Poor Autumn, the NASA researcher/Princeton alum. Not only do you have to compete with Botox-happy Christi and sweet, but desperate, cougar Tully, but Antonio thinks going to an Ivy prevented you from learning about “life!” Girl go back and get a Ph.D.—maybe then you’ll be able to match Antonio’s ravishing intellect. Fat chance, though. Brooke wrote her own

“love contract” for him, so unless you have some kind of pre-date pre-nup drafted, perhaps Houston is the better man for you.

3. Who wants to work for Diddy?

No one wants to work for Diddy. Diddy, go home. You’re trying too hard.

2. Tabatha’s Salon Takeover

If you know what I’m talking about, props to you for following Shear Genius all the way to its spin-off death. Perhaps observing the intricacies of hair cutting onscreen has taught you to recognize that La Flamme is where you go for assisted suicide. Watching this twice is also marginally understandable—once in awhile Harvard FML is slow to load, and, I mean, you have to look at something in the meantime, right? Dear devoted Tabatha fan and weekly viewer—buddy, you are so on your own that you should feel special in the worst way possible.

1. Real Housewives of D.C.

There’s a D.C. “Housewives?” Hell yeah. In fact, soon-to-be D.C. housewife Michaele Salahi got some great pub for the show last week with a super classy visit to the White House state dinner. I know it’s hard to follow the table flipping and stripper accusations of New Jersey or the spray-on tan recession woes of Orange County, but this girl really brought it. Meeting Obama is consequential. Being on the guest list and not freaking out the nation is not. Secret Service, you need to work on your bad boy rep after the press is done with you.

—Monica S. Liu is an incoming Campus Arts editor. She recommends you don’t ever try sushi plus iced fraps with extra shots of hazelnut from Lamont Cafe, or swallowing airborne tablets whole to save water for that matter.

TOP 5 PLACES TO PICK UP A HIPSTER

Who says you have to wait until Valentine’s Day for love? While the winter festivities tend to spread merriness all around, it might be a bit more difficult to get into the holiday spirit if you’re single. So if you’re itching to shake off the winter blues, cozy up to my picks for the best places to find your hipster soul mate. Looks like finding love at Harvard doesn’t have to be a Christmas miracle after all.

5. Herrell’s

While this establishment has since met its sad demise at the hands of the corporate machine, you might still be able to spot a plaid shirt and skinny jean-clad hipster or two roaming along Dunster Street. Be a sweetheart and treat him to a cone from J.P. Licks.

4. Crema Café

The next time you’re here, forget about bringing along cash. Bring a credit card to splurge a little on $10 worth of drinks and baked goods, because we all know that hipsters love their fair trade coffee and organic pastries.