1. Vampires

“Yeah, uh, I’m a society that wants to come to grips with the concept of ‘the other,’ but I’m not really interested in any of its interesting implications. I was thinking more, like, brooding sexual repression... Is there a series of books or movies based on those books that I could consume?” Bwoard! I’m so bwoard! Blahahaha!

—Ryan J. Meehan in the outgoing Books Editor and the incoming Arts Couch.

HARVARD’S TOP FIVE ARCHITECTURAL MONSTROSITIES

5. Holyoke Center

The home of Harvard’s bureaucracy and UHS, the Holyoke Center boasts an outward appearance as unpleasant as the experiences one can have inside it. This was Spanish modernist architect Josep Lluís Sert’s first contribution to Harvard, and one can only wish he had stopped there. Sadly, he didn’t, and his buildings populate 3/5 of this list.

4. Memorial Hall

Contrary to popular belief, Harvard’s taste for architectural monstrosities did not begin in the 1950s and ’60s. As early as 1865, Harvard was beginning construction on its most ostentatious and out-of-place building: Memorial Hall. While it is undeniably impressive on the inside—Annenberg’s resemblance to Hogwarts has probably added a couple of percentage points to the admissions yield—the exterior’s streaky bacon color scheme and remarkably ugly tower set it apart as an eyesore. Gothic arches this dramatic might have looked great in 13th century France, but with no softening contemporary features, they don’t work here.

3. Statue outside Boylston Hall

Statues may not really be architecture, but when they’re this big and obnoxious it’s fair to consider them as such. Except that this isn’t a statue. It’s a giant phallus. A 13.5 foot tall, 70-year-old phallus. Good for inappropriate pictures, not so good for architecture.

2. Peabody Terrace

Peabody Terrace’s greatest contribution to the campus’ architecture may be that it achieves the impossible: it makes its neighbor, Mather, look attractive. Sert’s graduate student housing complex, built in 1964, may have been lauded for its innovative combination of building size and community-oriented design, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is oppressively ugly. The concrete towers and multi-colored metal shutters on the river-side windows seem to go out of their way to ruin what is otherwise an impressive set of buildings and, unfortunately, they succeed.

1. Science Center

Undoubtedly the pinnacle of Harvard’s architectural missteps, the Science Center lurks just outside the Yard, completely at odds with its red brick surroundings. Of course variety is welcome, but not when it looks like this. Sert supposedly took the shape of a camera as his inspiration for the design. Cameras in the 60s certainly looked very different to today, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t look like this. My suggestion: Knock it down and rebuild it in the shape of a sleek modern camera. Imagine the giant digital screen. Amazing.

—Chris R. Kingston is the outgoing Campus Arts Editor. He actually thinks the Carpenter Center is kind of cool.