We pledge to create countless new tutor jobs
For their cousins, step-uncles, godmothers and dogs.
To dejected first-years whose "Assassins" got dissed,
We offer a keg and some lessons in whist.
To Marius, our favorite, a furlough in Nome.
We hope that he stays, leaving Expos alone.
To the misguided males who produce Inside Edge,
May each "babe" you seduce take a chastity pledge.
Peninsula's men prefer housewives instead,
So date Abigail Adams--oops, sorry, she's dead.
And while we discuss our Buchananite friends,
Their electoral savvy we'd like to commend.
Since they've stacked the Republican Club with their chums,
We'll get twice the hot air--and we'll really need Tums.
They've taken the pool, they've taken the 'shrooms
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