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{shortcode-b98c10946dec52d85827a9d045875b28f11f14b5}

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It’s TIIIMEEEEEE!!

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Yeah, it’s that time of year. All of us have lost it. We are officially exhausted. But… Mariah Carey has defrosted.

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That’s right – the holiday season has commenced. Now I know there’s “controversy” over when it becomes appropriate to start getting into the festive spirit but the answer to me is plain and clear: when mother Mariah says it’s time, it’s time. What better way to get out of the trenches and into the holiday cheer than with sampling some seasonal drinks? Given the fact that there is one remaining Starbucks in a close enough proximity to campus, we decided to make our way over to Broadway Street and give it a try.

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I had the chance to sample all the drinks with two of my lovely suitemates: Lauren “gets jittery from caffeine but drinks it anyway” T. Wong ’27, and none other than flyby icon herself Ava “if it’s not Yerba then I don’t want it” H. Rem ’27. Our approach was simple. We attempted to pour sip-size volumes in our respective d-hall glasses, cheers, give it a performative swirl, then ingest.

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Caramel Brulee Latte

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Starting off with a bang? It was not an unpleasant first taste but it was way too sweet. Ava, Lauren, and I discussed what exactly we were tasting, and a debate over notes of hazelnut, maple, and caramel ensued.

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“I don’t think it tastes like caramel brulee — that’s a hard syrup to nail down.” - AHR

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Overall, it was just okay at the moment but at the end of tasting, we found ourselves all ranking the latte relatively high. I would say it’s more of a sweet treat than a festive drink, but I would love to try it again with maybe half the amount of syrup.

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Peppermint Mocha

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“TOOTHPASTE.” Lauren and Ava shouted in unison immediately after the first sip. Not a great first impression. For whatever reason, peppermint chocolate is already tumultuous in the world of flavor dynamic duos. But for someone who enjoys that combo, Lauren even said that the artificial peppermint dominated the drink but did remind her of an Andes mint.

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On the other hand, I am a peppermint chocolate fanatic and was super excited to try it out. My first sip was an inaccurate taste as the remnants of caramel syrup lingered and were only followed by a hint of peppermint. Upon a second sip, I agree that peppermint is the main flavor in the drink. The mocha is there but you have to look for it. I thought this was a solid drink overall and definitely tis’ed the season accurately.

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Gingerbread Chai

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We were collectively intrigued about this drink. Was the cold foam flavored? Would it add to the drink that much? Is cold foam the same thing as whipped cream?? Lauren and I shared similar reactions. We were met with an overbearing wave of sugar which quickly subsided into pleasant notes of ginger, cinnamon, and ambiguous winter spice. Ava, on the other hand, was not a fan.

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“It tastes too cinnamony.” - AHR

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I don’t know if Ava is the best point of reference for this drink given her inherent bias against spice, but aside from the constant theme of Starbucks’ drinks being too sweet, the chai continued to grow on us and the star of the show was definitely the cold foam (which we shamelessly licked off the lid).

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Sugar Cookie Latte

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Once Ava knew that I would be sampling these drinks, she immediately asked to join just for the Sugar Cookie Latte. An important change to note, thanks to Wyatt C. Croog ’27, was that this was the first time that the drink was released as just a latte, as opposed to the “Sugar Cookie Almond Milk Latte.” Apparently, according to both Ava and Wyatt, the almond milk makes all the difference. Unfortunately, I am among the biologically inferior few and natural selection required me to order this drink with oat milk (I am allergic to almonds… don’t mention it). So, with the oat milk substitute and Ava’s request of ordering the latte hot instead of iced, I was curious to see how she would perceive the changes.

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Ava opened the latte and was first disappointed to not see any festive red and green sprinkles on the top. Wasn’t this half of the point of the drink?

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“It smells bad.” - LTW

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Through Ava’s multiple verbal affirmations of “mmmmmm,” Lauren and I were making faces at each other and finding it hard to love the flavor. Ava and I agreed that the flavor profile was most authentic to its name, with a nostalgic frosted sugar cookie coming to mind. But what she felt was nostalgic, I felt was chemical.

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Our Final Rankings

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From least enjoyed to most…

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1. Ava: Sugar Cookie Latte, Caramel Brulee Latte, Gingerbread Chai, Peppermint Mocha
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2. Lauren: Gingerbread Chai, Caramel Brulee Latte, Peppermint Mocha, Sugar Cookie Latte
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3. Me: Gingerbread Chai, Peppermint Mocha, Caramel Brulee Latte, Sugar Cookie Latte
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('

{shortcode-e18859ec13b583c033bca4c40628d2ac1765301e}

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1. What is your attendance rate?

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A: 95%. I had to miss one class because I had to go home for a wedding! I hope it counts as excused — I only emailed my TF 100 times about it!

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B: A little more than 50 percent? Maybe? I would say a solid 53 percent.

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C: I don’t even know… It has got to be in the negatives at this point.

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2. Is this a concentration-related class?

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A: This is a foundational course (what does this say about my life choices?). I hope the rest of my concentration classes aren’t this hard…right?

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B: Nope… a complete 180 from my concentration. I honestly don’t know what I am doing here anyways…I hope it fulfills some distributional requirement.

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C: This is a Gen Ed (it’s okay, we don’t judge…).

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3. How much did the Midterm cook you?

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A: My grade was much better than expected. I expected a 95, and I got a 96! Woohoo!

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B: I did alright. About as much as I expected to get given I started studying the night before.

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C: Toasted. I am the first in my bloodline to ever see a grade so low on an exam, and I hope I am the last.

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4. How hard does the professor make it to switch to P/F?

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A: I must attend office hours, and then stage an hour intervention with the professor in which I will be asked all of my extenuating circumstances (that don’t exist), and will be then subjected to extreme pressure from the prof listing all the reasons why I actually should not switch to P/F, and then at the end of it all be told…“but it’s your choice”, and then I’ll go home and cry a bit.

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B: I have to submit a Google Form with my excuses reasons; then I am pretty much good to go.

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C: Just request on MyHarvard. I don’t even have to talk to anyone.

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5. What is your grade…

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A: An A… maybe an A-? Man, I am really letting myself go.

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B: Good old solid B. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right?

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C: I am honestly too scared to check. What I don’t know can’t hurt me.

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6. When was the last time you went to a section?

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A: I have never missed. I actually host weekly game nights with all of my section friends.

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B: A couple appearances were made. I sort of know the kids in there… enough to smile at them in the Yard.

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C: I could not identify my TF in a police lineup.

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7. Do you sleep in class?

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A: No?! I pay attention to the classes I’m paying to attend.

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B: An occasional drift off. My trusty classmate normally shakes me back to my senses, and the cycle continues until it’s time to leave.

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C: I just sleep in my bed instead. Why sleep in a stiff, cold, wooden chair when I can sleep in my comfy bed?

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8. Are other people you know taking it P/F?

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A: I haven’t really asked. This idea came to me during a lecture yesterday and I haven’t let it go since.

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B: A couple… they are all from different concentrations, though. I don’t know who to consult on this issue…

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C: Everybody is…why??? Should I be concerned? Do I need to?

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9. What year are you?

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A: I’m just a freshman! I’ve never gotten an A- before! I’m freaking out!

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B: A tired first-semester junior. I don’t have the mental fortitude to worry about my grades anymore. I want to hang out with my friends and frolic somewhere.

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C: Just let me out of here. I am a senior and I yearn to leave already. My GPA is just a figment of my imagination.

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10. What are your plans after college?

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A: My dad secured me an entry-level position making $100,000 at his investment banking firm. Why do you ask?

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B: Maybe graduate school… of some sort. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I am starting to think I may just have to get into consulting.

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C: Pre-med. Please pray for me. Do you think going to Harvard will make up for my semester GPA that starts with a 2.

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Results:

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Mostly A’s: Just hang in there

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You don’t need to change anything. Chances are, the hassle of actually changing the course to pass/fail will be more effort than just locking in for the last couple of weeks. Sure, it would probably alleviate some stress on your end, but you aren’t in the worst shape. Just hang in there, soldier, the end is in sight.

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Mostly B’s: Maybe you can hold off…

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You might want to consider switching. You aren’t fully cooked, but you are getting there. If you were doing good at the start of the year, then had too much fun on Halloweekend and started going off the rails a little, reel it back in and reevaluate your life choices. Somewhere, deep down in your soul, is the academic weapon that got you in here, so start acting like one. If not… maybe start looking into petitioning .

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Mostly C’s: Start petitioning now before it’s too late.

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The deadline is now (Nov. 17…fyi) to change to pass/fail. This is a very viable option for you. Start making those emails, putting office hours in your calendar, and put on your biggest, most puppy-dog pleading eyes because you are going to need them. Go save that GPA!

', [ShortcodeImageGQL(key='{shortcode-e18859ec13b583c033bca4c40628d2ac1765301e}', image_url='https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.thecrimson.com/photos/2025/11/17/131348_1382251.png', nofilm=False, pos='center', size='large', byline=True, quote=False, quotebyline=False, theme='light', caption='This course is the bane of my existence.', hovertext=None, contributors=]>)])

('

{shortcode-59f1182e2b10a07476c55759404629d79962717a}

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On a gloomy and very, very cold November morning, shivering as we trudged to class, all Harvard undergraduates received an email that would change their lives forever. No, it wasn’t that we’re getting a shopping week. Or that Remy had become the official mascot of the College. No, no, no… it was better.

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FREE LAUNDRY? Oh wait…

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This email began with the fact that starting Spring 2026, laundry would be free. Our hearts rose with elation, the angels began to sing hallelujah, and the sun beamed brighter. But there was more. For those that had the attention span to keep reading (probably five percent of readers, if we’re being real), it soon took a turn. “We intend to\u202fmake the Student Activities Fee mandatory and increase the fee to $450, effective next academic year,” we read. Somewhere in the distance, someone screamed with agony, the babies under DeWolfe started to cry, and thunder, rain, and lightning poured. Doesn’t Harvard know the concept of a compliment sandwich? Free Laundry! (Mandatory $450 fee). But super clean clothing!

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Hmmm. Something doesn’t add up. As retaliation, here is my personal laundry policy that I will be putting into action in spring 2026 (Mather laundry machines, watch out.) I recommend you all take my advice as well.

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Washing all your clothes, separated by color and item, is now possible. Now, your white shirt won’t turn into the beige of something that’s quietly died in the corner (because you put it in the wash with your dollar store, last-minute costume after a sloppy Halloween). You can now also separate your socks from the rest of your clothing. If you have foot fungus, or unusually nice socks (?), this will be especially important for you.

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And if you want to maximize the efficacy of a wash further, you should now wash your clothing pieces one by one. Only one singular sock at a time will do. Washing both socks in a pair together would be simply catastrophic — you can’t risk the possibility of losing a sock in the midst of your other clothes, you would be ridiculed. You’d become one of the fools in bedtime stories used to scare children. Let’s not get too greedy, though. This laundry policy can also lead to acts of generosity. If someone’s left their laundry in the washing machine after the cycle is done, but hasn’t yet come to transfer it to the dryer, do them a favor and just start the wash again! They’ll thank you tremendously for how clean their clothes turn out to be.

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Now, laundry can also apply to things other than clothing. Does your dining hall’s Caesar salad have too much dressing on it? Slap that lettuce into the washing machine! Those leaves will come out with a fresh, authentic flavor. Do you have a friend who is heartbroken from a brutal breakup after a four-year relationship? Nothing that a fresh start can’t fix! Throw them in the laundry machine, along with some extra detergent.

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And the dryer! Oh, the dryer! The same rules apply. If you spill water on your computer, run it through the dryer. If you’re feeling sweaty after climbing four flights of stairs in Mather low-rise without an elevator, go curl up in the dryer and press start. Tired of water being wet? Put it in the dryer and you’ll never have to see it again.

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Repeat after me: “I will wash all my clothes one-by-one. I will do laundry twice a day. I will put my dry-clean-only clothing in the washing machine. I will wash myself to cleanse myself of my sins. I will take showers in the laundry machine, and my life will become laundry. Laundry. Laundry. LAUNDRY.”

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The possibilities are simply endless. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, as this will unite us all through laundry and lead to world peace. Only time will tell.

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And on that note, I’d better go check on my laundry.

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('

{shortcode-3b07c6ca8f43662fb99b902bccfc35aa275f8589}

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After 43 days (Oct. 1 to Nov. 12), the House finally passed a bill to end the nation’s longest shutdown. While Congress and the government may have been in a standstill, our lives most certainly were not. Here are a few things that you may have missed that happened during the government shutdown.

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1. The BerryLine Line is still berry long (from Day 1 until… who knows, really)

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After blowing up on social media over the summer, the line for BerryLine has extended into the street. Reportedly, on some nights, students and passersby have waited more than an hour for their froyo.

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2. Housing Day Moved to be After Spring Break (Day 6)

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The verdict is still out on if this is a good thing or not. This was, potentially, Harvard’s way of soft-launching “recentering academics.”

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3. PopUp Bagels Opened (Day 10)

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It’s already such a staple in our lives, we can’t even imagine the world before PopUp.

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4. Your ex-section crush got a girlfriend (Day 14)

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We unfortunately had to hear about it in excruciating detail.

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5. Collectively, we’ve probably taken thousands of midterms (and there are still more to come) (literally the entire shutdown was midterm season)

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As the name suggests, midterm exams should be mid-term. As in, singular. Not six to seven weeks of midterms back-to-back.

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6. The Louvre Robbery (Day 19)

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Heist, heist, baby. The world was left shocked after the Louvre was robbed in broad daylight.

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7. Canvas Shut Down (Day 20)

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The world ceased to function and my assignments piled up as Canvas shut down, thanks to the AWS outage. It was all super chill.

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8. Family Weekend (Day 22)

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There’s nothing better than having your family accompany you to Lamont so that they can watch you while you do your psets (sorry mom and dad <3).

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9. Recentering Academics (Day 26)

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They always talk about recentering academics, but what about recentering joy, whimsy, and love?? :(

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10. Two Halloweekends Have Flown By (Day 28)

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Candy wrappers lie discarded in my trash can, and my Halloween costumes are buried in my closet.

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11.Everyone Ran the Cambridge Half (Day 33)

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Suddenly, everyone and their mother showed up to run the Cambridge Half. Maybe this is a sign that Harvard students can run better than our government.

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12. Spring Course Registration Started (Day 36)

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We were faced with demands to register for courses while still in the midst of our current courses. And our midterms. Can’t forget about those.

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13. Student Activities Fee Increased, but… Free Laundry We Suppose? (Day 36)

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Still not convinced this is actually saving anyone money. But, thanks… I guess.

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14. Kyoyo Haus Opened Up in the Square (Day 41)

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Because there aren’t enough ice cream options already available. Maybe this will fix the BerryLine line.

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15. IOP elects student leadership in an uncontested election (Day 41)

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We do think this is a bit ironic.

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16. First Flurries of the Year; the Northern Lights Showed Up (Day 42)

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The Northern Lights put on a stunning show over Cambridge. Could you not already tell from the hundreds of Instagram story posts?

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17. THE PENNY DIED after 232 years :( (Day 43)

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Penny for your thoughts?? Oh wait… never mind. Guess I’ll have to pay you a dime.

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{shortcode-7dca23e35258a11551c16d1684dc6c296b6d79db}

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BoardPlus is the well-loved semesterly allowance that Harvard gives us to spend at various cafes and cafeterias across campus. That said, is $65 a semester truly enough? I think not (there’s been considerable inflation since 2007). As long as BoardPlus allocations remain stagnant, I will keep pleading with Harvard to recenter academics AND student well-being by beefing up our supply of snacks and caffeine.

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1. Free Sidewalks

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This is really just logistical. When students run out of BoardPlus, they have no choice but to outsource to the already congested streets of Harvard Square for their fix. Red Line commuters and overworked baristas alike would appreciate it if the line to Blank Street didn’t almost intersect with the line to Joe’s.

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2. More Student Jobs

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Speaking of baristas, we should have more of them! It’s not just intellectual vitality that Harvard is supposed to cultivate — every college student should have the opportunity to become a stylish barista with good music taste. And if a bigger BoardPlus budget means students are spending more at campus cafes, then surely we can pay more baristas and House grille workers. (That’s the kind of circular economic logic I can get behind.)

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3. Free us from Fogbuster! (or whatever the new thing is)

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When BoardPlus inevitably runs out, what are we left with besides our local shall coffee? I’m not even a major proponent of the Fogbuster hate campaign, but it is nothing compared to the espresso beans of Cafe Gato Rojo.

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4. Campus Exploration

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Nothing leads students on a quest quite like the promise of free food. Board Plus ensures that people at least know where Lamont is, or even the Law School Cafe, and will take walks around Harvard’s campus to spend all their cash.

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5. Penance for Barker Cafe

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This last one is personal. The death of Barker Cafe is one that shook most of campus, and I feel that people need a little more spending money to get them through this hard time, even if they have fewer places to spend it. RIP Barker Cafe, RIP Countway Connections, and long live BoardPlus.

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\r\nThis was my completely irrefutable plea to whomever it may concern to please increase Board Plus. As I write, the temperatures are dropping rapidly and the clouds are rolling in, signaling the start of a bleak winter. If there was ever a time for this message to make its impact, it is now. Anything helps.

', [ShortcodeImageGQL(key='{shortcode-7dca23e35258a11551c16d1684dc6c296b6d79db}', image_url='https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.thecrimson.com/photos/2025/11/12/144111_1382116.png', nofilm=False, pos='center', size='large', byline=True, quote=False, quotebyline=False, theme='light', caption='Recenter academics AND wellbeing.', hovertext=None, contributors=]>)])

('

{shortcode-b148081070aaa37ae9ae86baec085fda1df5cb7d}

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You’ve probably heard a thing or two about how Harvard students allegedly don't attend class. Well… let’s look at the facts: Students wouldn’t be here if they weren’t hard workers. So the real question is: What if professors graded based on what they’re actually mastering? Forget exams — here are 6 things that Harvard students are actually doing (a.k.a. the classes they cannot escape).

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Pursuing a Secondary in Waiting for the Shuttle

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The shuttle app has been — and will always be — the true syllabus of any class. In trying to catch the shuttle, students are developing advanced theories of time, motion, and despair while watching “Arriving in three minutes” sits on the screen for 15, which is just the amount of time the walk would have taken anyways. One senior is reportedly writing their thesis on “The Ontology of PassioGO!” See? Just because students are not in class doesn’t mean they aren’t learning. They’re simply expanding the classroom to include the shuttle but not by choice.

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Competing in Free Food Foraging

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A true interdisciplinary sport: Anthropology meets economics meets survival instinct. Students track every House email list, every Google Calendar alert, and every poster pasted on the wall, sprinting across campus to claim bagels, pizza, and sushi from talks they didn’t want to attend. And in the end, maybe they end up missing a class or two because the real event started and you can’t dine and dash…

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Running for just one more Board Position! (Hint: it’s their fifth)

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Students are running from their academics by applying to positions with acronyms no one understands: “I’m actually the VP of HCEBHRFM — it’s chill.” (“It’s chill” means it takes 40 hours a week on top of the four jobs they already have.) Harvard students don’t rest. They’re up until 4 a.m. doing their homework, then going on to change the world, write manifestos, and send follow-up emails. The grind never stops, it just refreshes its Gmail tab.

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…Speaking of Gmail

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Students are valiantly fighting to stay on top of the 15,000 emails that arrived in their inbox at 9 a.m. From professors sending messages about something (I forgot) to an email from their parents (yes, we have parents) to yet another notification from the New York Times (they can kiss my Harvard diploma) — it is a monster that just keeps growing.

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Re-centering their lives around the Fly-By Grab-and-Go line

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Who needs office hours when you can study the sociology of waiting in the lunch line that snakes through the Annenberg basement? Sixty students, one HUDS worker, zero chance of making it to lecture on time. Harvard’s truest community is forged in that 20-minute wait. The real section discussion happens there.

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Practicing mindfulness (of sorts)

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Harvard students are nothing if not self-aware. Between bursts of productivity, they make time for grounding exercises: five minutes of deep breathing in the Yard, nervously pacing walking the entire Quad lawn, or crying in the Lamont bathroom (yes, I’ve done this before). It’s all about balance. One minute, you’re reading Kant; the next, you’re practicing acceptance as your Canvas fails to load and you miss that 11:59pm deadline.

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So if professors really want to measure our academic commitment, they should stop counting attendance and start counting in terms of Flyby’s (obviously better) metric. A in shuttle philosophy. A- in inbox management. B+ in mindfulness (with extra credit for crying in Lamont).

', [ShortcodeImageGQL(key='{shortcode-b148081070aaa37ae9ae86baec085fda1df5cb7d}', image_url='https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.thecrimson.com/photos/2025/11/11/145440_1382079.png', nofilm=False, pos='center', size='large', byline=True, quote=False, quotebyline=False, theme='light', caption='Fly-By semantics.', hovertext=None, contributors=]>)])

('

{shortcode-db03104fd5651907472963bbf20831cd6ce73717}

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Harvard is in a new era (though not like Taylor Swift… thankfully) and with it, its leaders have a new set of priorities: recentering academics. Professors and TFs are about to crack down on grading and even consider awarding A+’s like we’re in high school again.

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Given how limited these grades are meant to be, faculty should consider more innovative options when it comes to awarding A+’s to those section kids to the most deserving students. Here are a few other ways to determine who gets the few A+’s Amanda Claybaugh will let us get each semester:

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A FitnessGram PACER Test Race.

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Instead of recentering academics, what if our professors focus on physical health and prowess instead? Let’s go down memory lane to elementary school P.E. (oh, what a simpler time). I hope you didn’t skip leg day. Obstacles will include tourists, turkeys, divots in the brick paths, and the occasional randomly closed gate, forcing you onto a detour. Ready, set… ding!

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Social Media Followers.

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Since influencing is more popular than ever, grades should be awarded to those who have the most Instagram or Tiktok followers in the class. That way, they can post about their stellar grades (while holding matchas and performatively studying in Widener) and lure more unsuspecting high schoolers into applying! Harvard’s acceptance rate will drop, profits from application fees will skyrocket (trickle-down effect leading to more funding), overall clout will increase, and professors won’t need to waste time on silly things like grading psets.

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Real-Life Application.

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This one’s for the GenEds — why take a class called Happiness if you aren’t truly happy? Why take Sleep if not to perfect the art itself? Happiness should just award A+’s to the students who are genuinely the happiest (which is probably less than the current number who earn As, come to think of it), not whose essay analyzing happiness is the best. Sleep can be a free nap. For every class whose name has some worldly application, this is the best way to deliver a truly transformative learning experience.

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Sidechat Karma.

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Sidechat karma is the true Harvard-esque measure of how witty and quick-thinking a person can be (or their Flyby writer profile, cough cough). Getting karma requires skill, not just good luck. It requires stellar reflexes and being chronically online. Arguably, collecting karma is more difficult than getting an A+ in this economy — which is why professors should award such effort!

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Harvard Trivia.

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Do you know your three lies? Can you name what Music 110R used to be called before this semester? Imagine a game-show style trivia round, with A+’s awarded only to the most knowledgeable. Awarding A+’s Jeopardy-style is at least rooted in some merit-based success. Since it’s the Harvard administration that’s cracking down on grading, it’s only fair that our trivia quiz is focused on Harvard knowledge, too.

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So there you have it — five foolproof ways to determine A’s without silly little things like psets, essays, and section attendance. Professors, take your pick. Personally, I’m looking forward to taking Sleep next semester and pulling up to class with a sleeping bag!

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Yesterday, I was sitting with William C. Mao ’27 and Veronica H. Paulus ’27 — our lovely Faculty of Arts and Sciences reporters — when they shared some news that made my jaw drop: this year, the FAS’s budget had run a structural deficit of 365 MILLION dollars.

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I don’t know about you, but I have no good way of conceptualizing how much money that really is — at least, no way other than bothering our unfortunate reporters for half an hour and listing all of the things the FAS could’ve done with that money instead. Without further ado, here’s what FAS Dean Hopi E. Hoekstra could’ve bought with this money instead:

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1. The name of the Harvard Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, back from Kenneth C. Griffin.

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In April 2023, the school was renamed after the billionaire hedge fund manager after he donated just $300 million. For $365 million? The FAS could probably get that and more.

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2. More than 1.8 million yearlong print subscriptions to The Harvard Crimson.

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I’d like to think the more than 420,000 Harvard alumni around the world — and their parents, and their grandparents, and their second cousins — would appreciate the gesture.

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3. At least seven years of quarterback Patrick Mahomes’ contract with the Kansas City Chiefs.

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I’ve now been to three Harvard-Yale games, of which we have won ZERO. Perhaps this is the type of out-of-the-box thinking needed to make sure that I — and the rest of the senior class — can finally experience what it’s like to rush the field when your team wins.

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4. One semester of tuition and fees for every single Harvard College student.

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Just one day ago, this might’ve said 730 academic years’ worth of laundry for students, but Harvard College Dean David J. Deming beat me to it. It’s not my place to tell Harvard how to spend its money, but…

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5. A new ballroom, attached to the White House where the old East Wing building once stood.

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U.S. President Donald J. Trump said construction was funded entirely by private donors. Is the FAS one of them?! Should The Crimson be looking into that? We probably already are.

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6. Almost three floors of the Science and Engineering Complex.

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This one’s a guess — but it’s probably not too far off? The SEC was projected to have cost about $1 billion, so if you assume each of the eight floors costs the same amount to build, then $365 million gets you a little over a third of the way there. And the first three floors of the building are the most important anyway, so basically, you have the entire SEC here.

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7. Enough computing power to train OpenAI’s GPT-4.

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Free laundry is cool and all, but giving students an AI tool that could, say, help with homework (sorry, Dean Claybaugh) might’ve been appreciated by students across campus. Not me, though.

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8. Triple the University’s publicly disclosed holdings in Bitcoin.

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Earlier this year, Harvard reported that it had purchased 1.9 million shares of the iShares Bitcoin Trust, which at the time was valued at $116.7 million. Today, that stake would be worth $8 million less. Buy the dip, right?

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9. Taylor Swift’s masters, according to Billboard.

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I’m not sure if Taylor Swift would’ve liked Harvard owning her masters any more than Scooter Braun (nor do I think she should!), but I can’t help but imagine what could’ve been. Yardfest would’ve been awesome.

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10 The Washington Post in 2013.

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All press is good press — unless you’re Harvard. By beating Jeff Bezos to the $250 million acquisition, the FAS could have bought itself an editorial page dedicated to personal liberties and free markets intellectual vitality and civil discourse. And maybe an Alan M. Garber ’76 presidential endorsement. What else can I say? Some friendly coverage would have gone a long way last year.

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And there you have it, all of the things that FAS could have done with this money instead. We know it’s too late for this $365 million, but Harvard, if you’re listening, consider these as tips for the next one!

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Forget Q Reports. An entire new butterfly species was named after Harvard’s beloved professor Andrew Berry — which says far more about how iconic he is than any other metric could. In the spirit of Euptychia andrewberryi, Flyby has chosen an assortment of more groundbreaking memorabilia that should be named after Harvard professors.

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1. Professor Joe Blitzstein: A Harvard Shuttle Line

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Professor Blitzstein, instructor of the beloved course “Stat 110,” has taught us many lessons to carry with us throughout our day-to-day lives. Why not apply these to everyone’s favorite Harvard amenity, the shuttles! Statistically speaking, if you have a bus that arrives randomly within a 10-minute time span, it will on average take just as long as one that is set to arrive every 10 minutes. Or, at least that’s what my eager roommates in this course tried to explain to me. So, you’ve heard of the “1636er” and the “Crimson Cruiser.” Now, get ready for “The Blitz-Bus.”

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2. Professor Stephanie Burt: A Taylor Swift Song

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Everyone has heard about Harvard’s Taylor Swift course “Taylor Swift and Her World” (“English 183”), and even more people have listened to Swift’s (long) discography. You know what we have not heard about yet, though? A song in honor of Professor Burt’s excellence. We would have loved to see this track included in Swift’s new album The Life of a Showgirl, but for now, we have a few ideas for some lyrics (to the tune of the song Wildest Dreams):

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Say you’ll take “English 183”

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It’s in your cart so say yes

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Accept the Okta request, babe

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Sad songs and Swift critiques

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Come bring your ballpoint pen

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This will be the class of your

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Wildest dreams, ah-ah, ah

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3. Professor Tara Menon: A City

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If you’re an English concentrator, it’s a commonly held truth that taking a course with Professor Menon is nonnegotiable – and life-changing. In honor of her popular class City Fictions this semester, there should be an actual city named after her. Imagine, you overhear: “Yeah, I’m traveling to Menon next summer to study abroad…” Isn’t the sound of that just absolutely luxurious and riveting? We think so, and you should too.

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4. Professor Michael Sandel: A Clothing Brand

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Professor Sandel’s course “Justice” has been viewed by tens of millions of people around the world and translated into 27 languages. Further, his books, like Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do and Public Philosophy: Essays on Morality in Politics, grapple with important questions facing the American public. Isn’t it a shame that his work is still getting confused with the children’s clothing brand Justice? How should we solve this problem, you might be wondering? By introducing Professor Sandel’s own clothing brand, of course! We would be excited to sport this attire, the real Justice clothing collection (on the way to the course “Justice” of course).

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5. Professor David Malan: A Duck Species

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The only thing we know about “CS50” is that everyone in it has a sticker of a cute little duck on their computer. In the class, you are encouraged to talk through your homework with a duck (unfortunately rubber, not real). Why doesn’t every class at Harvard have a mascot or encourage you to talk to an inanimate object? Professor Malan, you’ve done wonders for ducks by somehow making us feel FOMO for not owning merch of their kind. You deserve your own duck species for this.

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6. Professor Gregory Tucci: Balloons

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Professor Tucci and his courses are a quintessential part of the Harvard pre-med experience. If you have taken even one of the introductory life and physical science courses at Harvard, specifically “PS11,” you have seen Professor Tucci demonstrate a combustion reaction with balloons, fire, and multiple gas types. The only thing that could make this in-class experiment even more interesting? If the balloons that Professor Tucci explodes were special and of his own kind! Our hearts are exploding with excitement for this one.

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7. Professor Steven Levitsky: A Reading Light

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If you are an aspiring law school student, the chances are high that you will get the wonderful opportunity to take a course with Professor Levitsky. Not only will the government department teach you all you need to know about American democracy, but it will also teach you how to finish your (many) readings in all states of being: overcaffeinated, sleep-deprived, and all of the in between. We offer you a reading light in honor of Professor Levitsky, to illuminate the many pages of knowledge you are to absorb from now on, and your career as a future lawyer.

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From newly discovered species to apparel lines, names are a great way to honor our mentors, advisers, and midterm masterminds. Unlike Harvard’s buildings, Flyby’s musings don’t come with a price tag. Professors, we hope you know that you are all appreciated — here’s to you!

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve definitely heard about Harvard’s new report about grade inflation or, at least, seen posts on Sidechat about Amanda Claybaugh’s fated email. Flyby hears your concerns, and we also believe that there is more to the life of a college student than simply their GPA. So without further ado, here are some of the things that should actually be re-centered at Harvard.

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Re-centering Rest and Relaxation

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Let’s face it — when was the last time you got a full eight hours of uninterrupted sleep? Whether you’re staying up all night in Lamont with a Celsius and a dream (not the REM kind) or being woken up every morning by construction outside your window, chances are you are not getting nearly enough sleep. Or even, when was the last time you had a weekend all to yourself? Our point still stands. Maybe if we had a fall break… cough, cough.

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Re-centering Reasonable Coffee Prices in Harvard Square

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There comes a moment when you realize that you are less hesitant to spend more than six dollars on a cup of coffee than you used to be. While you might think that you have a spending addiction, when you need your daily pick-up and a sweet treat to go along with it, you truly have no choice here. And without an increase in what we get in BoardPlus, which hasn’t happened since 2007, the choice becomes all the more existential. It’s either eight dollars at a cafe or Fogbuster until the end of finals, and we know our choice is clear.

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Re-centering Sidequests

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One may wonder why there are so many things happening simultaneously on campus if not to be sidequests. We must embrace doing things to procrastinate homework for the plot and following our interests, even if they’re a bit out of left field. Join that knitting circle! Go to that language table for a language you haven’t taken in a year! Listen to that talk about German philosophy even though you’ve never studied philosophy! Let yourself wander! This seems like a truly transformative experience.

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Re-centering joy and whimsy

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Not every night should be spent with a pset open, nor every afternoon at office hours. Bring back frolicking through your House courtyard, watching the (way too early) sunset from Week’s Bridge, and having movie nights with your suitemates. Close those Canvas and Gmail tabs, even if only for an hour. Harvard needs happiness, and not just in the form of GenEd 1025!

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Re-centering reading Flyby

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Studies show that reading a Flyby article every day can actually increase your lifespan! Well, not really. But you should do it anyway!

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With such a vibrant campus, there are clearly so many things to take advantage of, and that could value re-centering. How could we pick just one, and how could that thing be GPA? Use your four years wisely!

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It’s 6:20 a.m. and it’s 37 degrees out. I stand, shivering in my spandex shorts and t-shirt, corralled with everyone who’s ever ventured out for a run on the Charles. I am suffering from my decision three short months ago to sign up for the Cambridge Half Marathon. I wished to be among the group of underground runners at Harvard who emerge once a year to post a Strava story of their 13.1 run, while you are just waking up after Halloweekend. Many asked: Why would you want to run for two straight hours? Don’t you get bored? Well, first of all, I ran it in 1:43 (not a brag), and was entertained by the crowds of people who have nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than cheer on a gaggle of masochistic runners. So here’s to the true heroes of the weekend: the best signs I saw running the half.

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Keep Chafing Your Dreams

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A direct call out to me slathering a stick of deodorant on my thighs as an attempt to avoid my worst enemy, chafing. Could a better (and more temperature-conscious) solution have been to wear leggings? Yes. Was my dream to finish the half in a cute running outfit? Also yes. So really, my dreams came at the cost of my inner quad (and the pictures were, in fact, worth it)

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Just Keep Running, Running, Running

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Accompanied by an artistic drawing of Dory from Finding Nemo. This one brought me back to my childhood whimsy, who probably would’ve enjoyed running. My aching knees brought me back to my present-day suffering, but it was a momentary lapse of enjoyment.

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Pain is Temporary, Strava is Forever

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Now this person had to be a runner. Because you cut right to the core of why 99% of people ran the half: to post on Strava (or Instagram, or Facebook if you’re 50+). We all crave validation, and so what if it comes in the form of kudos. You reminded me that there is no way I can slow down, lest my followers be disappointed with my finishing time.

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You’re Running Better than the Government

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Timely, accurate, and made me laugh – all good qualities of a running sign. I think that for every day the government is shut down, every single member of Congress should have to run a half-marathon. After the Cambridge Half, I could barely walk to class today and didn't even want to look at my sneakers. These senators would be rallied to an immediate solution through the miraculous power of hating physical activity.

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You’re Almost There

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Lies. You were at Weeks Bridge. I had four more miles to run. I was only 75% of the way there. Your encouragement was appreciated, but consider going three miles down the course. It would’ve been greatly appreciated then.

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Pain is Just French for Bread

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This one made me think (an enjoyable respite from only hearing my inner thoughts). I’ve never taken French before, so I can’t verify the validity or the pun of this statement. But you learn something new every day, and for that, I have this sign to thank.

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Run Like You’re Coming From the Louvre

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You really would have to be coming from the Louvre, given that Harvard is Heist-Proof. But this, similar to the one referencing the government shutdown, was timely, creative, and humorous. It added to the ambiance that I was running alongside a group of guys dressed as prison inmates — shout out to everyone who ran the half in costume.

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Therapy Was Also an Option

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The most truthful sign, cutting deep to the core of my midsummer decision to sign up for the race. Did I choose to do a long run instead of thinking about my Chem 17 midterm? Yes. Have I used training as an excuse to procrastinate? Yes. Do I think this coping mechanism was healthy? Also yes. I have absolutely zero regrets except that I have become codependent on running and will be dropping another $100 to sign up for a race (hey, it is cheaper than therapy at least).

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Whether you ran, cheered on, or were just rudely awakened by the Cambridge Half this past Sunday, be super proud of yourself. You either: A. completed a half, B. Was a supportive friend, or C. had the common sense to stay out of the whole shebang. I will personally be bed-bound until I can craft a stellar sign for the Boston Marathon in the spring.

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Daylight Saving Time ended on Sunday, which means we collectively gained an hour of sleep and lost all will to leave our dorm rooms and warm, cozy beds. However, the trees around campus are putting on a genuinely stunning fall display, with vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow peeping out.

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That said, take a moment to look up from your phone between sections and appreciate the foliage. There’s so much beauty around us... you just have to catch it before 5 p.m.

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1. Quad Lawn Trees

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2. Tercentenary Theatre Trees

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3. Tree by Lamont

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4. Lesley University Tree

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5. Tree Right by the River

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6. DeWolfe Street Trees

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7. Japanese Maple outside 14P

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8. William James Hall Trees

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9. Barker Center Tree

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10. Mount Auburn Cemetery Trees

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11. Quad Walk Tree

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12. Quincy Street Trees

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Trick-or-Treat! A midterm on October 31st? An excellent decision for student morale! But maybe it's about the friends we’ve made along the way (severe trauma bonding). Settle in, because this is Harvard’s version of trick-or-treating: the tricks are real, the treats are mediocre at best, and somehow we’re all still here for it.

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\r\n1. Trick: Chem 17 midterm on Halloween
\r\nTreat: Overindulging and starting Halloweekend immediately after at the Currier Heaven and Hell Party. What even is a chiral structure???

\r\n\r\n

2. Trick: The sun is setting at 5:39 p.m. today, before I get out of my last section. Reminder: Daylight Saving Time starts on Sunday.
\r\nTreat: Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yay!

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3. Trick: Running out of Board Plus
\r\nTreat: Getting an excuse to buy coffee in the Square

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4. Trick: Your classes all went tech-free
\r\nTreat: You get to rediscover your hidden talent for doodling!

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5. Trick: Missing the shuttle when PassioGo lies
\r\nTreat: Getting to look at the fall foliage on the walk to and from class

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6. Trick: Having a 10-page paper (that you have not started) due at midnight
\r\nTreat: Rewarding yourself with a sweet treat (or multiple) while you complete it

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7. Trick: Grade inflation report at Harvard saying that students don’t work hard enough
\r\nTreat: Complaining to all of your TFs and professors and having them secretly agree with you

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8. Trick: Accidentally oversleeping on Sunday after a weekend of festivities
\r\nTreat: Lowell Bells making sure you wake up before you get hit with a bad case of the Sunday Scaries

\r\n\r\n

9. Trick: Getting a Canvas notification posting your midterm grade
\r\nTreat: The perfect excuse to indulge in sweet treats to cope (or celebrate)

\r\n\r\n

10. Trick: Having class in the SEC
\r\nTreat: Romanticizing the long walk by the Charles and pretending you’re Rory Gilmore with the perfect fall playlist

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11. Trick: Having to wake up for a 9 a.m. class
\r\nTreat: Watching the Harvard Today Newsletter drop into your inbox :)

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Happy Halloween!

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Fall at Harvard is unlike any other. On one hand, beautiful fall foliage transforms this place into the aesthetically pleasing New England college campus you see in movies. On the other hand, we experience an endless midterm season (that will only get harder from here…), an endless Sidechat debate about finals clubs, and an endless series of 4:30 p.m. sunsets. Whether you decide to romanticize the season or revel in autumnal melancholy, Flyby presents to you a perfectly curated playlist for this rollercoaster of a Harvard fall.

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The Classic Fall Soundtrack

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First up, the signature autumn classics. Put on your best fall outfit, find some wired headphones (for the aesthetic), and live out your Gilmore Girls fantasy (in a better universe, where Rory chooses Harvard, of course). Pretend you’re the protagonist in a romantic comedy. Take the T and feel the rush of crossing the Charles River into the big city. You’re the main character — and the possibilities are endless.

\r\n\r\n

- Dreams by The Cranberries
\r\n- There She Goes by The La’s
\r\n- Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
\r\n- Built This Way (Slow Remix) by Samantha Ronson
\r\n- Sweet Marie by The Walters
\r\n- Her by The American Dawn
\r\n- Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House
\r\n- Eyes Without A Face by Billy Idol
\r\n- Linger by The Cranberries
\r\n- Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
\r\n- Duvet by bôa
\r\n- Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
\r\n- Rosyln by Bon Iver and St. Vincent
\r\n- All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (From The Vault) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- we fell in love in october by girl in red

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The Not-So-Rom-Com Moments

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Hopeless romantic with no one to do cute Halloween couple costumes with? Heartbroken victim of a debilitating situationship? These next songs are for you. Find a bench by the Charles River, sit (and imagine someone next to you), cry (because there’s no one next to you), and yearn your heart out. Double legacy isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.

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- Come Back…Be Here (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Sofia by Clairo
\r\n- (You) On My Arm by Leith Ross
\r\n- Steeeam by Shelly
\r\n- Heart to Heart by Mac DeMarco
\r\n- My Love All My Mine by Mitski
\r\n- Krystal by Matt Maltese
\r\n- Flower of Blood by Big Thief
\r\n- Savior Complex by Phoebe Bridgers
\r\n- Sad Beautiful Tragic (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Will I See You Again? by Thee Sacred Souls
\r\n- Meet Me in the Hallway by Harry Styles
\r\n- And I Love You So by Don McLean
\r\n- It Ain’t Me Babe by Joan Baez
\r\n- Lover, You Should’ve Come Over by Jeff Buckley

\r\n\r\n

For Chronic Thinkers

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Love might not be everyone’s source of inner turmoil – but there is always something to ponder about. Your loved ones back home… Your future plans (and how everyone won’t stop asking you about them).... Your nostalgic memories… Your PSET due Friday night… These songs are perfect for thinking, pondering, reflecting, contemplating – you name it – whether you’re on a mindless walk or imprisoned in Lamont during academic victim hours (emotions intensified on the third floor near any window).

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- Back to the Old House by The Smiths
\r\n- Cannock Chase by Labi Siffre
\r\n- Matilda by Harry Styles
\r\n- Juliet by Cavetown
\r\n- Augusta by Gracie Abrams
\r\n- this is me trying by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Can’t Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo
\r\n- Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
\r\n- What Once Was by Her’s
\r\n- 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins
\r\n- Simulation Swarm by Big Thief
\r\n- anything by Adrianne Lenker
\r\n- All I Wanna Do by The Beach Boys
\r\n- I think about it all the time by Charli xcx and Bon Iver
\r\n- Julia by SZA

\r\n\r\n

When Things Start to *Fall* Into Place

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Not every autumnal moment needs to be depressing. Maybe you saw a pretty tree with its vibrant colors shining through the light. Maybe you (finally) finished your last midterm. Maybe you went on a solo date or fun adventure with friends. Maybe you went on an actual date, and you’re one of the fortunate Harvard students in love. These final songs are for those precious moments when things somehow don’t feel overwhelming – and you want to savor every moment of a Harvard fall.

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- Just like Heaven by The Cure
\r\n- Apple Cider by beabadoobee
\r\n- Love You For A Long Time by Maggie Rogers
\r\n- You’re Still The One by Shania Twain
\r\n- So Easy (To Fall In Love) by Olivia Dean
\r\n- Margaret by Lana Del Rey and Bleachers
\r\n- About You by The 1975
\r\n- Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones
\r\n- Sweet Carolina by Lana Del Rey
\r\n- Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson
\r\n- The Boy by The Smashing Pumpkins
\r\n- Lamb by Coco & Clair Clair and Porches
\r\n- Meet Me At Our Spot - Live by THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, and Tyler Cole
\r\n- Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae
\r\n- Perfect Day by Hoku

\r\n\r\n

\r\nJust as there are many shades of autumnal colors, there are many ways to experience a Harvard fall. The best way to spend it? Listening to this meticulously curated playlist on Spotify – and telling everyone Flyby put you on.

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With Halloweekend on the horizon, almost every conversation in the dhall will bring up the question “what are you going to be?” Whether you have five costumes or haven’t bothered to come up with anything yet, we here at Flyby have compiled a list of the popular costumes we expect to see the most of — and, more importantly, what our takes on each are. Feel free to use these as inspiration, a warning, or a bingo card in spying the most trendy Halloween costumes prowling Tasty Basty.

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Hot: Coldplay Couple

\r\n\r\n

This is a low-effort, high-impact couple’s costume that’ll have you two feeling “Sparks” before the end of the night. If you’re a sophomore recruiting for finance, though, be careful — in 15 short years, you could likewise become a cautionary tale of internet shaming and the slow death of privacy. So, “Viva La Vida” and try to avoid any Megatron appearances.

\r\n\r\n

Not: The Lorax

\r\n\r\n

Wearing a Lorax costume in 2025 is the way to ensure an entire room knows how unfunny you are. We’ve seen it done thousands of times, and you’d think the “joke” would be over by now, but people are full of surprises. For all the self-assuming “funny” people out there reading this who are deciding to wear this as their “funny” Halloween costume, consider this a warning. I will find you, and I will make a Thneed out of you.

\r\n\r\n

Hot: Performative Male

\r\n\r\n

I know that for some of you, it’s not a costume, it’s a lifestyle. But if you’re looking for an easy, effortless outfit you can recreate with items you already have in your closet (right?), a performative male outfit is relevant and casual. If you need inspiration, just read Flyby Tries: Performative Male Contest — though I don’t know if you can do it better than SAB; third place is hard to beat.

\r\n\r\n

Not: G(a)linda & Elphaba

\r\n\r\n

Despite Wicked: For Good premiering in theaters this November, this costume has been drawn out too much. It’s trying to be the grown-up version of your 10-year-old self going as Dorothy, but it’s too “been there, done that.” Still, justice for the friend who got hoodwinked into painting themselves green “for the bit.” I know that it will take you multiple days to wash that paint out of your hairline.

\r\n\r\n

Hot: Sinners

\r\n\r\n

Honestly, if you’re planning on wearing a Sinners costume this Halloween of Remmick, Smoke, Stack, or Mary, it would be best if you stayed indoors. I’m not worried you’ll be too scary — I want to protect you guys… from admirers like me. These may be the hottest costumes of 2025, both in terms of the number of people wearing them and how attracted I will be when I see people in them. On second thought, I found a Halloween function for those scouring Sidechat: Sinners costume contest on Widener Steps — I’ll be the judge. See you guys there!

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Not: Boring Bald Cap

\r\n\r\n

A big trend that has been circulating the past year is people slapping on a bald cap and calling it a day. While this is admittedly funny for attending Pitbull concerts or cosplaying as your balding dad, I want to see more of this Halloween. Sure, slap on the bald cap, but make it more interesting. There are plenty more bald celebrities and characters that never get love, and I want to change that this year. If you happen to have a head shaped like a football, replace Pitbull’s suit with some overalls and boom: you’re now Stewie from Family Guy.

\r\n\r\n

At the end of the day, Halloween is the one time a year when people can go out, dress as someone else, and not feel pressured, judged, or just plain weird for it. Everyone should feel comfortable (maybe not physically, for those wearing corsets) in their own costumes, so do whatever makes you happy — whether it’s taking our advice and wearing that hot vampire costume (yes, I’m still thinking about Sinners) or rolling your eyes at this article as you slip into your Lorax onesie.

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Just make sure to have fun and, most importantly, be safe this spooky season. Happy Halloween!

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Raise your hand if you read about the Louvre Heist and thought that you could do the same. Everyone’s up? Now imagine if it were held on Harvard’s campus. Everyone’s hands should be down.

\r\n\r\n

Harvard is no stranger to thefts of grand magnitudes, like the exploits of the infamous Widener Gutenberg thief, the Fogg Museum’s coin thieves, the mastermind(s) of the Adams House break-ins, and that person who stole Carly’s Owala water bottle at the career fair (reveal yourself, please). But over the years, Harvard has implemented many measures to make its campus impervious to all thieves, even the Louvre looters. Don’t believe us? Well, here’s the proof:

\r\n\r\n

1. Dhall Staff

\r\n\r\n

Nobody takes security regulations as seriously as Harvard dhall staff. It doesn’t matter if you’re a reallyyyy hungry Quadling between classes before 1 p.m., or if you’re really craving an extra pack of Oreos in the FlyBy line — the HUDS workers will crack down on you. We have full confidence that if these thieves attempted a heist at Harvard on a Thursday during House community night, there would be no tale to tell. They would never even be able to get in to begin with, let alone leave with anything (and we aren’t quite sure they would want to steal anything anyway…).

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2. Okta Two-Factor Authentication

\r\n\r\n

This souped-up security feature will suspect identity theft even if you are the genuine user, which definitely proves that Harvard’s cybersecurity is top-notch when it comes to user impersonation. If a thief tried to steal emails or request access to forbidden information? They would be stopped at the very first push notification.

\r\n\r\n

3. PassioGO!

\r\n\r\n

AKA the most unreliable app on campus. The shuttle is quite literally never coming when this app says it is. If the thieves were planning to escape via shuttle, chances are they would have been left high and dry in broad daylight, waiting on Mass. Ave. The capriciousness of the Crimson Cruiser would be just enough to send our bold would-be bandits on a cruise in a police car.

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4. Turkeys in the Yard

\r\n\r\n

Unless your amygdala is the size of a pea*, we can agree that the turkeys in the Yard are absolutely terrifying. They not only refuse to move out of your way, but they will challenge you for space on the sidewalk. The confidence of these hulking feathered fiends would stop any thief in their tracks without a doubt. And probably cause them to drop an extra crown.

\r\n\r\n

*Which, to be fair, is not all that much smaller than the size of a typical amygdala.

\r\n\r\n

5. The Gates

\r\n\r\n

We can never plan our own exit from the Yard without being stopped by all of our favorite gates being closed, so we can confidently say that the same would happen to the naive Louvre thieves. Planning their escape would have to account for an extra five minutes of rerouting to Widener gate because, for some reason, Harvard believes that this is the only gate worth keeping open at all times. Justice for the gate connecting directly to the Smith Center.

\r\n\r\n

6. Tourists in front of John Harvard

\r\n\r\n

Ah, the greatest form of a human blockade: tourists and aspiring high schoolers waiting for a photograph in front of the wonderful Statue of Three Lies. This mass of people creates a blockade that consistently has made us late for class more times than we can count. If the thieves were ever trying to make a run for it (towards Widener gate, per my last point), they would be caught in the act as tourists snap their photos. Perfect evidence of the crime.

\r\n\r\n

7. The Recentering of Academics

\r\n\r\n

We all have seen that Harvard is passionate about recentering academics — having students spend more time in the classroom, less on extracurricular activities. The thieves were used to getting their attendance points from a classmate’s sharing of PollEVs, but now they actually have to be physically in class to get their credit? There would be no time for the Louvre thieves to even plan their heist… they’d be stuck in the clutches of Science Center Hall B.

\r\n\r\n

8. Scooter Thieves

\r\n\r\n

Even if the thieves were able to pull off a heist, there’s one last thing that would foil their plans. Unfortunately, thieves are still susceptible to other thieves, and without James Bond-worthy U-locks, there is a 100% chance a sneaky peer would steal their getaway scooters. What can we say? There’s always a bigger fish.

\r\n\r\n

And with that, we can all see that Harvard is truly un-heist-able. Next time you find yourself getting any ideas, stop there and remember not to get ahead of yourself — or reorient your schemes toward any fair where there are tons of free stuff up for grabs.

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