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Yesterday, I was sitting with William C. Mao ’27 and Veronica H. Paulus ’27 — our lovely Faculty of Arts and Sciences reporters — when they shared some news that made my jaw drop: this year, the FAS’s budget had run a structural deficit of 365 MILLION dollars.

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I don’t know about you, but I have no good way of conceptualizing how much money that really is — at least, no way other than bothering our unfortunate reporters for half an hour and listing all of the things the FAS could’ve done with that money instead. Without further ado, here’s what FAS Dean Hopi E. Hoekstra could’ve bought with this money instead:

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1. The name of the Harvard Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, back from Kenneth C. Griffin.

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In April 2023, the school was renamed after the billionaire hedge fund manager after he donated just $300 million. For $365 million? The FAS could probably get that and more.

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2. More than 1.8 million yearlong print subscriptions to The Harvard Crimson.

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I’d like to think the more than 420,000 Harvard alumni around the world — and their parents, and their grandparents, and their second cousins — would appreciate the gesture.

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3. At least seven years of quarterback Patrick Mahomes’ contract with the Kansas City Chiefs.

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I’ve now been to three Harvard-Yale games, of which we have won ZERO. Perhaps this is the type of out-of-the-box thinking needed to make sure that I — and the rest of the senior class — can finally experience what it’s like to rush the field when your team wins.

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4. One semester of tuition and fees for every single Harvard College student.

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Just one day ago, this might’ve said 730 academic years’ worth of laundry for students, but Harvard College Dean David J. Deming beat me to it. It’s not my place to tell Harvard how to spend its money, but…

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5. A new ballroom, attached to the White House where the old East Wing building once stood.

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U.S. President Donald J. Trump said construction was funded entirely by private donors. Is the FAS one of them?! Should The Crimson be looking into that? We probably already are.

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6. Almost three floors of the Science and Engineering Complex.

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This one’s a guess — but it’s probably not too far off? The SEC was projected to have cost about $1 billion, so if you assume each of the eight floors costs the same amount to build, then $365 million gets you a little over a third of the way there. And the first three floors of the building are the most important anyway, so basically, you have the entire SEC here.

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7. Enough computing power to train OpenAI’s GPT-4.

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Free laundry is cool and all, but giving students an AI tool that could, say, help with homework (sorry, Dean Claybaugh) might’ve been appreciated by students across campus. Not me, though.

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8. Triple the University’s publicly disclosed holdings in Bitcoin.

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Earlier this year, Harvard reported that it had purchased 1.9 million shares of the iShares Bitcoin Trust, which at the time was valued at $116.7 million. Today, that stake would be worth $8 million less. Buy the dip, right?

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9. Taylor Swift’s masters, according to Billboard.

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I’m not sure if Taylor Swift would’ve liked Harvard owning her masters any more than Scooter Braun (nor do I think she should!), but I can’t help but imagine what could’ve been. Yardfest would’ve been awesome.

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10 The Washington Post in 2013.

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All press is good press — unless you’re Harvard. By beating Jeff Bezos to the $250 million acquisition, the FAS could have bought itself an editorial page dedicated to personal liberties and free markets intellectual vitality and civil discourse. And maybe an Alan M. Garber ’76 presidential endorsement. What else can I say? Some friendly coverage would have gone a long way last year.

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And there you have it, all of the things that FAS could have done with this money instead. We know it’s too late for this $365 million, but Harvard, if you’re listening, consider these as tips for the next one!

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Forget Q Reports. An entire new butterfly species was named after Harvard’s beloved professor Andrew Berry — which says far more about how iconic he is than any other metric could. In the spirit of Euptychia andrewberryi, Flyby has chosen an assortment of more groundbreaking memorabilia that should be named after Harvard professors.

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1. Professor Joe Blitzstein: A Harvard Shuttle Line

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Professor Blitzstein, instructor of the beloved course “Stat 110,” has taught us many lessons to carry with us throughout our day-to-day lives. Why not apply these to everyone’s favorite Harvard amenity, the shuttles! Statistically speaking, if you have a bus that arrives randomly within a 10-minute time span, it will on average take just as long as one that is set to arrive every 10 minutes. Or, at least that’s what my eager roommates in this course tried to explain to me. So, you’ve heard of the “1636er” and the “Crimson Cruiser.” Now, get ready for “The Blitz-Bus.”

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2. Professor Stephanie Burt: A Taylor Swift Song

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Everyone has heard about Harvard’s Taylor Swift course “Taylor Swift and Her World” (“English 183”), and even more people have listened to Swift’s (long) discography. You know what we have not heard about yet, though? A song in honor of Professor Burt’s excellence. We would have loved to see this track included in Swift’s new album The Life of a Showgirl, but for now, we have a few ideas for some lyrics (to the tune of the song Wildest Dreams):

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Say you’ll take “English 183”

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It’s in your cart so say yes

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Accept the Okta request, babe

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Sad songs and Swift critiques

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Come bring your ballpoint pen

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This will be the class of your

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Wildest dreams, ah-ah, ah

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3. Professor Tara Menon: A City

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If you’re an English concentrator, it’s a commonly held truth that taking a course with Professor Menon is nonnegotiable – and life-changing. In honor of her popular class City Fictions this semester, there should be an actual city named after her. Imagine, you overhear: “Yeah, I’m traveling to Menon next summer to study abroad…” Isn’t the sound of that just absolutely luxurious and riveting? We think so, and you should too.

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4. Professor Michael Sandel: A Clothing Brand

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Professor Sandel’s course “Justice” has been viewed by tens of millions of people around the world and translated into 27 languages. Further, his books, like Justice: What’s the Right Thing to Do and Public Philosophy: Essays on Morality in Politics, grapple with important questions facing the American public. Isn’t it a shame that his work is still getting confused with the children’s clothing brand Justice? How should we solve this problem, you might be wondering? By introducing Professor Sandel’s own clothing brand, of course! We would be excited to sport this attire, the real Justice clothing collection (on the way to the course “Justice” of course).

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5. Professor David Malan: A Duck Species

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The only thing we know about “CS50” is that everyone in it has a sticker of a cute little duck on their computer. In the class, you are encouraged to talk through your homework with a duck (unfortunately rubber, not real). Why doesn’t every class at Harvard have a mascot or encourage you to talk to an inanimate object? Professor Malan, you’ve done wonders for ducks by somehow making us feel FOMO for not owning merch of their kind. You deserve your own duck species for this.

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6. Professor Gregory Tucci: Balloons

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Professor Tucci and his courses are a quintessential part of the Harvard pre-med experience. If you have taken even one of the introductory life and physical science courses at Harvard, specifically “PS11,” you have seen Professor Tucci demonstrate a combustion reaction with balloons, fire, and multiple gas types. The only thing that could make this in-class experiment even more interesting? If the balloons that Professor Tucci explodes were special and of his own kind! Our hearts are exploding with excitement for this one.

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7. Professor Steven Levitsky: A Reading Light

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If you are an aspiring law school student, the chances are high that you will get the wonderful opportunity to take a course with Professor Levitsky. Not only will the government department teach you all you need to know about American democracy, but it will also teach you how to finish your (many) readings in all states of being: overcaffeinated, sleep-deprived, and all of the in between. We offer you a reading light in honor of Professor Levitsky, to illuminate the many pages of knowledge you are to absorb from now on, and your career as a future lawyer.

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From newly discovered species to apparel lines, names are a great way to honor our mentors, advisers, and midterm masterminds. Unlike Harvard’s buildings, Flyby’s musings don’t come with a price tag. Professors, we hope you know that you are all appreciated — here’s to you!

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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve definitely heard about Harvard’s new report about grade inflation or, at least, seen posts on Sidechat about Amanda Claybaugh’s fated email. Flyby hears your concerns, and we also believe that there is more to the life of a college student than simply their GPA. So without further ado, here are some of the things that should actually be re-centered at Harvard.

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Re-centering Rest and Relaxation

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Let’s face it — when was the last time you got a full eight hours of uninterrupted sleep? Whether you’re staying up all night in Lamont with a Celsius and a dream (not the REM kind) or being woken up every morning by construction outside your window, chances are you are not getting nearly enough sleep. Or even, when was the last time you had a weekend all to yourself? Our point still stands. Maybe if we had a fall break… cough, cough.

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Re-centering Reasonable Coffee Prices in Harvard Square

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There comes a moment when you realize that you are less hesitant to spend more than six dollars on a cup of coffee than you used to be. While you might think that you have a spending addiction, when you need your daily pick-up and a sweet treat to go along with it, you truly have no choice here. And without an increase in what we get in BoardPlus, which hasn’t happened since 2007, the choice becomes all the more existential. It’s either eight dollars at a cafe or Fogbuster until the end of finals, and we know our choice is clear.

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Re-centering Sidequests

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One may wonder why there are so many things happening simultaneously on campus if not to be sidequests. We must embrace doing things to procrastinate homework for the plot and following our interests, even if they’re a bit out of left field. Join that knitting circle! Go to that language table for a language you haven’t taken in a year! Listen to that talk about German philosophy even though you’ve never studied philosophy! Let yourself wander! This seems like a truly transformative experience.

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Re-centering joy and whimsy

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Not every night should be spent with a pset open, nor every afternoon at office hours. Bring back frolicking through your House courtyard, watching the (way too early) sunset from Week’s Bridge, and having movie nights with your suitemates. Close those Canvas and Gmail tabs, even if only for an hour. Harvard needs happiness, and not just in the form of GenEd 1025!

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Re-centering reading Flyby

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Studies show that reading a Flyby article every day can actually increase your lifespan! Well, not really. But you should do it anyway!

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With such a vibrant campus, there are clearly so many things to take advantage of, and that could value re-centering. How could we pick just one, and how could that thing be GPA? Use your four years wisely!

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It’s 6:20 a.m. and it’s 37 degrees out. I stand, shivering in my spandex shorts and t-shirt, corralled with everyone who’s ever ventured out for a run on the Charles. I am suffering from my decision three short months ago to sign up for the Cambridge Half Marathon. I wished to be among the group of underground runners at Harvard who emerge once a year to post a Strava story of their 13.1 run, while you are just waking up after Halloweekend. Many asked: Why would you want to run for two straight hours? Don’t you get bored? Well, first of all, I ran it in 1:43 (not a brag), and was entertained by the crowds of people who have nothing better to do on a Sunday morning than cheer on a gaggle of masochistic runners. So here’s to the true heroes of the weekend: the best signs I saw running the half.

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Keep Chafing Your Dreams

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A direct call out to me slathering a stick of deodorant on my thighs as an attempt to avoid my worst enemy, chafing. Could a better (and more temperature-conscious) solution have been to wear leggings? Yes. Was my dream to finish the half in a cute running outfit? Also yes. So really, my dreams came at the cost of my inner quad (and the pictures were, in fact, worth it)

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Just Keep Running, Running, Running

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Accompanied by an artistic drawing of Dory from Finding Nemo. This one brought me back to my childhood whimsy, who probably would’ve enjoyed running. My aching knees brought me back to my present-day suffering, but it was a momentary lapse of enjoyment.

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Pain is Temporary, Strava is Forever

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Now this person had to be a runner. Because you cut right to the core of why 99% of people ran the half: to post on Strava (or Instagram, or Facebook if you’re 50+). We all crave validation, and so what if it comes in the form of kudos. You reminded me that there is no way I can slow down, lest my followers be disappointed with my finishing time.

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You’re Running Better than the Government

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Timely, accurate, and made me laugh – all good qualities of a running sign. I think that for every day the government is shut down, every single member of Congress should have to run a half-marathon. After the Cambridge Half, I could barely walk to class today and didn't even want to look at my sneakers. These senators would be rallied to an immediate solution through the miraculous power of hating physical activity.

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You’re Almost There

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Lies. You were at Weeks Bridge. I had four more miles to run. I was only 75% of the way there. Your encouragement was appreciated, but consider going three miles down the course. It would’ve been greatly appreciated then.

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Pain is Just French for Bread

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This one made me think (an enjoyable respite from only hearing my inner thoughts). I’ve never taken French before, so I can’t verify the validity or the pun of this statement. But you learn something new every day, and for that, I have this sign to thank.

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Run Like You’re Coming From the Louvre

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You really would have to be coming from the Louvre, given that Harvard is Heist-Proof. But this, similar to the one referencing the government shutdown, was timely, creative, and humorous. It added to the ambiance that I was running alongside a group of guys dressed as prison inmates — shout out to everyone who ran the half in costume.

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Therapy Was Also an Option

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The most truthful sign, cutting deep to the core of my midsummer decision to sign up for the race. Did I choose to do a long run instead of thinking about my Chem 17 midterm? Yes. Have I used training as an excuse to procrastinate? Yes. Do I think this coping mechanism was healthy? Also yes. I have absolutely zero regrets except that I have become codependent on running and will be dropping another $100 to sign up for a race (hey, it is cheaper than therapy at least).

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Whether you ran, cheered on, or were just rudely awakened by the Cambridge Half this past Sunday, be super proud of yourself. You either: A. completed a half, B. Was a supportive friend, or C. had the common sense to stay out of the whole shebang. I will personally be bed-bound until I can craft a stellar sign for the Boston Marathon in the spring.

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Daylight Saving Time ended on Sunday, which means we collectively gained an hour of sleep and lost all will to leave our dorm rooms and warm, cozy beds. However, the trees around campus are putting on a genuinely stunning fall display, with vibrant hues of red, orange, and yellow peeping out.

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That said, take a moment to look up from your phone between sections and appreciate the foliage. There’s so much beauty around us... you just have to catch it before 5 p.m.

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1. Quad Lawn Trees

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2. Tercentenary Theatre Trees

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3. Tree by Lamont

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4. Lesley University Tree

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5. Tree Right by the River

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6. DeWolfe Street Trees

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7. Japanese Maple outside 14P

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8. William James Hall Trees

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9. Barker Center Tree

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10. Mount Auburn Cemetery Trees

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11. Quad Walk Tree

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12. Quincy Street Trees

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Trick-or-Treat! A midterm on October 31st? An excellent decision for student morale! But maybe it's about the friends we’ve made along the way (severe trauma bonding). Settle in, because this is Harvard’s version of trick-or-treating: the tricks are real, the treats are mediocre at best, and somehow we’re all still here for it.

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\r\n1. Trick: Chem 17 midterm on Halloween
\r\nTreat: Overindulging and starting Halloweekend immediately after at the Currier Heaven and Hell Party. What even is a chiral structure???

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2. Trick: The sun is setting at 5:39 p.m. today, before I get out of my last section. Reminder: Daylight Saving Time starts on Sunday.
\r\nTreat: Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yay!

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3. Trick: Running out of Board Plus
\r\nTreat: Getting an excuse to buy coffee in the Square

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4. Trick: Your classes all went tech-free
\r\nTreat: You get to rediscover your hidden talent for doodling!

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5. Trick: Missing the shuttle when PassioGo lies
\r\nTreat: Getting to look at the fall foliage on the walk to and from class

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6. Trick: Having a 10-page paper (that you have not started) due at midnight
\r\nTreat: Rewarding yourself with a sweet treat (or multiple) while you complete it

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7. Trick: Grade inflation report at Harvard saying that students don’t work hard enough
\r\nTreat: Complaining to all of your TFs and professors and having them secretly agree with you

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8. Trick: Accidentally oversleeping on Sunday after a weekend of festivities
\r\nTreat: Lowell Bells making sure you wake up before you get hit with a bad case of the Sunday Scaries

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9. Trick: Getting a Canvas notification posting your midterm grade
\r\nTreat: The perfect excuse to indulge in sweet treats to cope (or celebrate)

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10. Trick: Having class in the SEC
\r\nTreat: Romanticizing the long walk by the Charles and pretending you’re Rory Gilmore with the perfect fall playlist

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11. Trick: Having to wake up for a 9 a.m. class
\r\nTreat: Watching the Harvard Today Newsletter drop into your inbox :)

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Happy Halloween!

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Fall at Harvard is unlike any other. On one hand, beautiful fall foliage transforms this place into the aesthetically pleasing New England college campus you see in movies. On the other hand, we experience an endless midterm season (that will only get harder from here…), an endless Sidechat debate about finals clubs, and an endless series of 4:30 p.m. sunsets. Whether you decide to romanticize the season or revel in autumnal melancholy, Flyby presents to you a perfectly curated playlist for this rollercoaster of a Harvard fall.

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The Classic Fall Soundtrack

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First up, the signature autumn classics. Put on your best fall outfit, find some wired headphones (for the aesthetic), and live out your Gilmore Girls fantasy (in a better universe, where Rory chooses Harvard, of course). Pretend you’re the protagonist in a romantic comedy. Take the T and feel the rush of crossing the Charles River into the big city. You’re the main character — and the possibilities are endless.

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- Dreams by The Cranberries
\r\n- There She Goes by The La’s
\r\n- Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
\r\n- Built This Way (Slow Remix) by Samantha Ronson
\r\n- Sweet Marie by The Walters
\r\n- Her by The American Dawn
\r\n- Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowded House
\r\n- Eyes Without A Face by Billy Idol
\r\n- Linger by The Cranberries
\r\n- Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
\r\n- Duvet by bôa
\r\n- Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
\r\n- Rosyln by Bon Iver and St. Vincent
\r\n- All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (From The Vault) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- we fell in love in october by girl in red

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The Not-So-Rom-Com Moments

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Hopeless romantic with no one to do cute Halloween couple costumes with? Heartbroken victim of a debilitating situationship? These next songs are for you. Find a bench by the Charles River, sit (and imagine someone next to you), cry (because there’s no one next to you), and yearn your heart out. Double legacy isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay.

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- Come Back…Be Here (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Sofia by Clairo
\r\n- (You) On My Arm by Leith Ross
\r\n- Steeeam by Shelly
\r\n- Heart to Heart by Mac DeMarco
\r\n- My Love All My Mine by Mitski
\r\n- Krystal by Matt Maltese
\r\n- Flower of Blood by Big Thief
\r\n- Savior Complex by Phoebe Bridgers
\r\n- Sad Beautiful Tragic (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Will I See You Again? by Thee Sacred Souls
\r\n- Meet Me in the Hallway by Harry Styles
\r\n- And I Love You So by Don McLean
\r\n- It Ain’t Me Babe by Joan Baez
\r\n- Lover, You Should’ve Come Over by Jeff Buckley

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For Chronic Thinkers

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Love might not be everyone’s source of inner turmoil – but there is always something to ponder about. Your loved ones back home… Your future plans (and how everyone won’t stop asking you about them).... Your nostalgic memories… Your PSET due Friday night… These songs are perfect for thinking, pondering, reflecting, contemplating – you name it – whether you’re on a mindless walk or imprisoned in Lamont during academic victim hours (emotions intensified on the third floor near any window).

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- Back to the Old House by The Smiths
\r\n- Cannock Chase by Labi Siffre
\r\n- Matilda by Harry Styles
\r\n- Juliet by Cavetown
\r\n- Augusta by Gracie Abrams
\r\n- this is me trying by Taylor Swift
\r\n- Can’t Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo
\r\n- Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
\r\n- What Once Was by Her’s
\r\n- 1979 by The Smashing Pumpkins
\r\n- Simulation Swarm by Big Thief
\r\n- anything by Adrianne Lenker
\r\n- All I Wanna Do by The Beach Boys
\r\n- I think about it all the time by Charli xcx and Bon Iver
\r\n- Julia by SZA

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When Things Start to *Fall* Into Place

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Not every autumnal moment needs to be depressing. Maybe you saw a pretty tree with its vibrant colors shining through the light. Maybe you (finally) finished your last midterm. Maybe you went on a solo date or fun adventure with friends. Maybe you went on an actual date, and you’re one of the fortunate Harvard students in love. These final songs are for those precious moments when things somehow don’t feel overwhelming – and you want to savor every moment of a Harvard fall.

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- Just like Heaven by The Cure
\r\n- Apple Cider by beabadoobee
\r\n- Love You For A Long Time by Maggie Rogers
\r\n- You’re Still The One by Shania Twain
\r\n- So Easy (To Fall In Love) by Olivia Dean
\r\n- Margaret by Lana Del Rey and Bleachers
\r\n- About You by The 1975
\r\n- Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones
\r\n- Sweet Carolina by Lana Del Rey
\r\n- Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson
\r\n- The Boy by The Smashing Pumpkins
\r\n- Lamb by Coco & Clair Clair and Porches
\r\n- Meet Me At Our Spot - Live by THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, and Tyler Cole
\r\n- Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae
\r\n- Perfect Day by Hoku

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\r\nJust as there are many shades of autumnal colors, there are many ways to experience a Harvard fall. The best way to spend it? Listening to this meticulously curated playlist on Spotify – and telling everyone Flyby put you on.

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With Halloweekend on the horizon, almost every conversation in the dhall will bring up the question “what are you going to be?” Whether you have five costumes or haven’t bothered to come up with anything yet, we here at Flyby have compiled a list of the popular costumes we expect to see the most of — and, more importantly, what our takes on each are. Feel free to use these as inspiration, a warning, or a bingo card in spying the most trendy Halloween costumes prowling Tasty Basty.

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Hot: Coldplay Couple

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This is a low-effort, high-impact couple’s costume that’ll have you two feeling “Sparks” before the end of the night. If you’re a sophomore recruiting for finance, though, be careful — in 15 short years, you could likewise become a cautionary tale of internet shaming and the slow death of privacy. So, “Viva La Vida” and try to avoid any Megatron appearances.

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Not: The Lorax

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Wearing a Lorax costume in 2025 is the way to ensure an entire room knows how unfunny you are. We’ve seen it done thousands of times, and you’d think the “joke” would be over by now, but people are full of surprises. For all the self-assuming “funny” people out there reading this who are deciding to wear this as their “funny” Halloween costume, consider this a warning. I will find you, and I will make a Thneed out of you.

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Hot: Performative Male

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I know that for some of you, it’s not a costume, it’s a lifestyle. But if you’re looking for an easy, effortless outfit you can recreate with items you already have in your closet (right?), a performative male outfit is relevant and casual. If you need inspiration, just read Flyby Tries: Performative Male Contest — though I don’t know if you can do it better than SAB; third place is hard to beat.

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Not: G(a)linda & Elphaba

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Despite Wicked: For Good premiering in theaters this November, this costume has been drawn out too much. It’s trying to be the grown-up version of your 10-year-old self going as Dorothy, but it’s too “been there, done that.” Still, justice for the friend who got hoodwinked into painting themselves green “for the bit.” I know that it will take you multiple days to wash that paint out of your hairline.

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Hot: Sinners

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Honestly, if you’re planning on wearing a Sinners costume this Halloween of Remmick, Smoke, Stack, or Mary, it would be best if you stayed indoors. I’m not worried you’ll be too scary — I want to protect you guys… from admirers like me. These may be the hottest costumes of 2025, both in terms of the number of people wearing them and how attracted I will be when I see people in them. On second thought, I found a Halloween function for those scouring Sidechat: Sinners costume contest on Widener Steps — I’ll be the judge. See you guys there!

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Not: Boring Bald Cap

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A big trend that has been circulating the past year is people slapping on a bald cap and calling it a day. While this is admittedly funny for attending Pitbull concerts or cosplaying as your balding dad, I want to see more of this Halloween. Sure, slap on the bald cap, but make it more interesting. There are plenty more bald celebrities and characters that never get love, and I want to change that this year. If you happen to have a head shaped like a football, replace Pitbull’s suit with some overalls and boom: you’re now Stewie from Family Guy.

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At the end of the day, Halloween is the one time a year when people can go out, dress as someone else, and not feel pressured, judged, or just plain weird for it. Everyone should feel comfortable (maybe not physically, for those wearing corsets) in their own costumes, so do whatever makes you happy — whether it’s taking our advice and wearing that hot vampire costume (yes, I’m still thinking about Sinners) or rolling your eyes at this article as you slip into your Lorax onesie.

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Just make sure to have fun and, most importantly, be safe this spooky season. Happy Halloween!

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Raise your hand if you read about the Louvre Heist and thought that you could do the same. Everyone’s up? Now imagine if it were held on Harvard’s campus. Everyone’s hands should be down.

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Harvard is no stranger to thefts of grand magnitudes, like the exploits of the infamous Widener Gutenberg thief, the Fogg Museum’s coin thieves, the mastermind(s) of the Adams House break-ins, and that person who stole Carly’s Owala water bottle at the career fair (reveal yourself, please). But over the years, Harvard has implemented many measures to make its campus impervious to all thieves, even the Louvre looters. Don’t believe us? Well, here’s the proof:

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1. Dhall Staff

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Nobody takes security regulations as seriously as Harvard dhall staff. It doesn’t matter if you’re a reallyyyy hungry Quadling between classes before 1 p.m., or if you’re really craving an extra pack of Oreos in the FlyBy line — the HUDS workers will crack down on you. We have full confidence that if these thieves attempted a heist at Harvard on a Thursday during House community night, there would be no tale to tell. They would never even be able to get in to begin with, let alone leave with anything (and we aren’t quite sure they would want to steal anything anyway…).

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2. Okta Two-Factor Authentication

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This souped-up security feature will suspect identity theft even if you are the genuine user, which definitely proves that Harvard’s cybersecurity is top-notch when it comes to user impersonation. If a thief tried to steal emails or request access to forbidden information? They would be stopped at the very first push notification.

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3. PassioGO!

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AKA the most unreliable app on campus. The shuttle is quite literally never coming when this app says it is. If the thieves were planning to escape via shuttle, chances are they would have been left high and dry in broad daylight, waiting on Mass. Ave. The capriciousness of the Crimson Cruiser would be just enough to send our bold would-be bandits on a cruise in a police car.

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4. Turkeys in the Yard

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Unless your amygdala is the size of a pea*, we can agree that the turkeys in the Yard are absolutely terrifying. They not only refuse to move out of your way, but they will challenge you for space on the sidewalk. The confidence of these hulking feathered fiends would stop any thief in their tracks without a doubt. And probably cause them to drop an extra crown.

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*Which, to be fair, is not all that much smaller than the size of a typical amygdala.

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5. The Gates

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We can never plan our own exit from the Yard without being stopped by all of our favorite gates being closed, so we can confidently say that the same would happen to the naive Louvre thieves. Planning their escape would have to account for an extra five minutes of rerouting to Widener gate because, for some reason, Harvard believes that this is the only gate worth keeping open at all times. Justice for the gate connecting directly to the Smith Center.

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6. Tourists in front of John Harvard

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Ah, the greatest form of a human blockade: tourists and aspiring high schoolers waiting for a photograph in front of the wonderful Statue of Three Lies. This mass of people creates a blockade that consistently has made us late for class more times than we can count. If the thieves were ever trying to make a run for it (towards Widener gate, per my last point), they would be caught in the act as tourists snap their photos. Perfect evidence of the crime.

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7. The Recentering of Academics

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We all have seen that Harvard is passionate about recentering academics — having students spend more time in the classroom, less on extracurricular activities. The thieves were used to getting their attendance points from a classmate’s sharing of PollEVs, but now they actually have to be physically in class to get their credit? There would be no time for the Louvre thieves to even plan their heist… they’d be stuck in the clutches of Science Center Hall B.

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8. Scooter Thieves

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Even if the thieves were able to pull off a heist, there’s one last thing that would foil their plans. Unfortunately, thieves are still susceptible to other thieves, and without James Bond-worthy U-locks, there is a 100% chance a sneaky peer would steal their getaway scooters. What can we say? There’s always a bigger fish.

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And with that, we can all see that Harvard is truly un-heist-able. Next time you find yourself getting any ideas, stop there and remember not to get ahead of yourself — or reorient your schemes toward any fair where there are tons of free stuff up for grabs.

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Harvard can be a scary place on any day, but there are, without a doubt, ill omens you can spot from a mile away that will tell you just what you’re in for. Without further ado, here are some surefire omens that guarantee misfortune at Harvard.

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1. Morning Construction

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Waking up to an alarm is bad enough, but when the tune you’re starting your day with is the repeated sound of a jackhammer at 7 a.m., you know it’s going to be rocky from there on out.

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2. Today’s Menu: Fresh Catch of the Day

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There is no better way to begin your morning routine than to be subscribed to Flyby’s Harvard Today. We provide the forecast for the day’s events, weather, and dining options, but even we can’t put a positive spin on fish for the third time in a week. Knowing that your day will culminate in Red’s infamous fresh catch is bound to put a damper on your spirits.

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3. Tour Buses

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Harvard is one of the top sights to see in Boston, and it shows. There are days when the tourists seem to outnumber students, and the paths seem to get narrower along with them. Spotting a group of tourists is an everyday occurrence, but when its buses lining Mass. Ave.? I shudder thinking about it.

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4. Rat Sighting

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Harvard’s version of a black cat is definitely the unnaturally large rodents that are native to Cambridge. We know they’re here, but there is nothing more indicative of bad fortune than to see one scuttle before you on your walk to class, or worse, your walk home.

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5. Canvas Notification: Your instructor has updated the course website

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This may not even be an omen, but a genuine jumpscare. Whether it is a submission post, a grade change, a comment, or a new assignment created, it is rarely a fortuitous sign to see at any point in the day.

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6. Elevator Out of Service

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This may be a personal one, but I immediately know the day will be at least 10% worse when I see the elevator out of service in any building, anywhere. If it is a dorm (cough, Quincy), or in a building with too many stairs (cough, Sever), it feels like a dark cloud has been cast.

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7. Sorry, we’re out of (insert your favorite item)”

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Going to any of our amazing student-run cafes is usually a positive experience, until you get to the register and see that they are out of every item you would even consider getting. Immediately, the day is worse, and you still end up buying something out of social anxiety.

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These omens are frightening, anxiety-inducing, and common when you’re a Harvard student. Broken mirrors and ravens have nothing on HUDS paper plates and all the convenient gates being shut in the Yard. Exercise caution, however, because once you’ve started to notice the signs, you may see them everywhere.

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It’s that beautiful time of year again, when midterms never seem to end and Halloweekend is an impending blur. Family weekend is scheduled in the midst of all this chaos, and you completely forgot that your parents are coming to town. But don’t fret, little one. Your friends at Flyby are here to save the day with our guide on how to get your life together before that.

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Clean your room

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The most important thing on the list. You can’t have a dirty room when your parents come to visit — you’ll never hear the end of it! Vacuum the floor. Clear your desk (throw out those dirty coffee cups). Take out the trash (please).

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Empty your backpack

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This isn’t even about impressing your parents; it’s just good advice. Get rid of the bulky papers and notebooks you don’t need to avoid developing premature scoliosis. God forbid you find a rotten banana at the bottom.

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Eat fruit… or eat breakfast

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Eating fruit (or even just breakfast) this one time will give you a boost of energy. It will make up for all the malnourishment you’ve endured this midterm season. You’ll seem so happy, energetic, and lively to your parents.

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End your evil situationship

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You don’t want any awkward text messages popping up while you’re trying to show your parents cute photos of you and the roommates from FDOC. Also save yourself the pain of having to go through the equally awkward “what are we” conversation right before Thanksgiving break.

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Clean your water bottle

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Rinsing your bottle out with water before you fill it doesn’t count. Get Dawn and go scrub that thang. Or, just run it through the tray return. There’s a colony of microorganisms growing in your water bottle, and it’s begging you to be cleaned. Drink some water while you’re at it, too.

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Wash your sheets

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In addition to cleaning your room, you need to wash your sheets. And no, don’t just do this for Sidechat karma — actually go downstairs and do it. You don’t want your parents to die of a stink bomb when they can smell your sheets. Eek.

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Stage a fake encounter with friends

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This will leave a great impression on your parents. Stage a run-in with a peer and make it look as accidental as possible. It will make you look well-socialized and hip to your parents (even though you aren’t).

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Display your Vitamin C supplements on your desk

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This will make your mom happy. You’re taking charge of your own wellbeing (ha!).

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Iron your clothes

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Consider folding your clothes and putting them away? Or at least pick them up from the floor so there’s space to stand. You really won’t hear the end of this if you don’t.

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Buy them gifts

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Just shove Harvard family merch into their hands as soon as they arrive. This will hopefully distract them from asking about how midterms are going.

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Subscribe to the Flyby mailing list

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This way, you’ll be well aware of campus activities and meals, and have plenty of funny jokes to tell your parents to earn their love and validation.

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If you follow these tasks carefully, you can convince your parents that you are a well-functioning member of society. Act vigilantly. Present yourself in the best light possible. Don’t give them more material to gossip about over Thanksgiving dinner, while you sit in the corner and try your best not to get ragebaited. Just remember that hey, you belong here. And you are doing your best, even if your life is sort of a mess right now. So lock in, and get your life together for the weekend, and make your dear parents proud.

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It was a bright, sunny morning — which should have been my first red flag, because nothing good ever happens in broad daylight. But there I was, on my way to class from Mather, acting like I had my life together. I was running on a solid six hours of sleep, my papers were turned in (on TIME, might I add), and I actually woke up on time for breakfast. Peak performance, honestly.

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Everything was going as planned… until I caught a glimpse of him across the street.

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Road Rat. The notorious 13-inch-long rat had finally made an appearance in my life.

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He was right there, in the flesh. But I fear I was too late for this short-lived reunion.

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Before me lay Road Rat, knocked out cold in the middle of Mass Ave. An unfortunate case of jaywalking, looking more lifeless than the people leaving the Stat 110 midterm.

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I was no stranger to the tiny fella’s tales detailing his exploits — terrorizing freshman dorms at 3 a.m., outsmarting the most skilled rat traps, and allegedly joining the IOP.

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But now, his cold, beady, red eyes stared directly into my soul. I could feel him judging me. Judging my choice to (almost) go into consulting. Judging my decision to be premed. Judging the fact that I was wearing the same sweatshirt from the day before. I was trapped in purgatory, and purgatory looked suspiciously like the intersection across from CVS.

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I tried pulling myself together, but I just couldn’t look away. This right here was proof of what happens when you fly too close to the sun. When you reach for grandiose dreams — like attempting to sneak into meet your friends at Adams for lunch, or trying to take five pset classes in a semester, or believing you could do all three readings AND go to that concert Sunday night. Road Rat reached for the stars while trying to amass his mass, only to get absolutely *bodied* by some of the worst drivers in America.

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I thought about Road Rat’s dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Did he have a family? Friends back in the Yard he was trying to impress? A hometown sewer far away that he longed to return to? Did he think he would ever make it to the big leagues in the big city rat race? So much potential, but such a shame it fell short.

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It was like looking at a mirror image of myself and everyone I knew and loved. Road Rat was an omen, a cautionary tail (tale) of the pitfalls of ambition. A memento mori in rat form. A physical manifestation of my academic validation complex. He was like all of us — striving, scrambling, and ultimately getting flattened by forces beyond our control (capitalism, climate change, three midterms scheduled back-to-back). It’s expensive to fly so high. You burn out. You fry the machine.

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The traffic light switched to “Walk.” I scurried away to Lamont, carrying with me Road Rat’s story as cautionary advice. Also, I was late to section.

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Here’s a haiku in tribute:

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Small king of Mass Ave

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Your dreams too big for this world

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RIP Road Rat

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Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street. Live with love and whimsy right now, because the Goldman Sachs offer can wait. Road Rat wouldn’t want that for you.

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As we’re officially in Spooky Season, Harvard’s campus vibes have changed. Of course, students are haunted by midterms and poor technology (shoutout to Canvas being down for a day, but my essay deadline is not getting extended). Still, beyond the annual scares of midterm season, there’s also some new frights at Harvard this fall.

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The Eliot Construction.

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As a Kirkland resident, I would like to personally highlight the primary reason for my atrocious sleep debt this semester. It’s not psets or readings: no, it’s the Eliot construction. Nothing wakes you up better than a wrecking ball outside your window at 7 a.m. every weekday. Nothing makes you more terrified to live in River West than when it’s so loud that the tutors are handing out earplugs. My Halloween costume might just have to be an Eliot construction worker, because they scare us Kirkland residents even more than our pset deadlines.

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Lines.

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Not lines in a book, but rather the endless parade of lines on the street. Lines outside Berryline. Lines outside PopUp Bagels. Lines to get free Dunkin’ gift cards in the Square. Every time I see a collection of people in a line, I’m filled with dread (I dream of the days we could get fro-yo in 15 minutes, rather than an hour). The sheer number of people willing to wait for up to an hour for a snack of any kind is new to Harvard this fall, and it’s rather frightening to see.

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Okta Verify.

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Is it crazy to say I miss Duo? The emails leading up to the transition to Okta were so ominous, and setting it up on all of my devices was exhausting. I still don’t even think I did it right. Even worse, Okta loves to glitch when I try to open my.harvard to doomscroll over what courses to take next semester.

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Coughing in Class.

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The droves of people downed by the freshman flu and the resurgence of Covid (oh yes, Covid is back — or maybe it never left?) means that I can’t walk into a room without hearing at least one raspy cough. This is a PSA: stay home if you’re sick! There’s nothing quite as scary as the prospect of being the next victim of illness right before your midterm.

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Harvard Influencers.

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It seems like every other person I met last year is giving the noble career of Instagram Influencer a try (or starting a Substack). Yes, we go to Harvard. Does that mean we can explain exactly how to be successful, happy, or also get into Harvard? (I’d like to note that these things are possibly mutually exclusive, and at any rate, probably not correlated). Yet, at least once a day, I find myself ducking out of the way of a camera or selfie stick in the dhalls or Yard, as yet another prospective influencer rates HUDS, records themselves in Ec 10A, or time-lapses their Lamonster moments.

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“What’s Your Halloween Costume?”

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As someone with no costume creativity and a healthy ability to procrastinate, getting asked this classic October question makes me break out in a cold sweat. I’ve scrolled Pinterest, debated group fits with my blockmates, and am still no closer to a Halloween costume than I was before. Luckily, Flyby has some ideas if (like me) you need them!

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Evidently, Harvard’s spooky season goes beyond your run-of-the-mill Halloween myths — here are the other scary things around the Yard right now to contemplate instead of your looming deadlines! Stay safe out there, folks. If you lock in hard enough for your midterms, you might be lucky enough to miss these things entirely … though that might be an even scarier prospect.

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Every year brings new changes — and new freshmen! (I think Thoreau said that?) Often, the changes the College makes serve to create a better, safer environment for the incoming students, but sometimes they just really miss the mark. To make sure the freshman know what they’re missing out on, here are some great things about Harvard that unfortunately don’t exist anymore. I’m sorry in advance.

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1. Gatekept River Run

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With the recent decriminalization of River Run, students younger than the current senior class no longer know the thrill of dodging security guards, climbing fences, and utterly failing to passably imitate an upperclassman swiping into their house. Although the new River Run is admittedly much safer, thrill-seeking Harvard students may be disappointed.

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2. Un-Gatekept HUDS Takeout Boxes

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Every day I miss the convenience of the previous disposable takeout boxes. It was so easy to just grab one, get some food, and immediately dodge any and all social interaction. Now, you have to wait and register the box, potentially hold up the scan in line, and repeat the whole process when returning it. Shout-out to HUDS for the eco-consciousness of the new choice, though… I guess.

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3. Barker Cafe

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Imagine sunlight streaming through windows, a pleasant smell of coffee in the air, opportunity for BoardPlus (a.k.a. free) matcha, and a bunch of fashionable students chatting around you. No, it’s not heaven, it was Barker Cafe. Unfortunately, new students will never be able to experience the atmospheric magic of the cafe, which was closed due to budget cuts.

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4. Correct CS Course Names

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As a CS major, this is very personal to me. The CS department last year added a 0 to the end of all course names, a decision that I can and will ignore. However, I recently met a freshman who pronounced CS124/1240 (pronounced CS1-24) as CS 12-40. After intense questioning, I further discovered that CS120(1-20) was 12-hundred, CS181(1-81) was 18-10, and so on. WHAT! Do I have dust as bones? How is it possible to feel this old?

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5. Taking GenEds Pass/Fail

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Although this doesn’t personally affect me, I do sympathize with future Harvard students who no longer have the cop-out called taking a Gen Ed pass/fail. Whether Harvard’s decision will ultimately be a correct one is beyond me, but I will say that there will likely be many more stressed students in Gen Eds going forward.

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6. That Gate Near Canaday

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You know that gate to the Science Center near Canaday that has a vent that always spews suspicious hot air at you? No? Because it’s always closed so you never use it? Well, if it was ever open, you would really miss it. I promise. I blame this gate closure for adding at least a minute to my daily commute to the Science Center.

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7. The Inn

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I heard someone say recently that they saw a turkey by “The Dome.” Honey, this is Harvard, not Las Vegas. Dome from Domus? Very original… totally missed out on the opportunity for the name Hotel-iot. Or Eliotel. Until I’m able to walk down Mass Ave and see flashing lights and a giant LED sphere, I don’t want it.

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8. Ice Cream

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Before there was Dole Whip there was Oatly soft serve, and before that there was even fro-yo. I don’t miss the fro-yo… but the Oatly made for a great topping on a microwaved brownie. Wow, I miss those days of glory… and you should too (even if you weren’t here to experience them)!

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9. Some of the Trees in Harvard Yard

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I just want to bring attention to the fact that every year I see at least one tree cut down… but I never see them planted… I think my deforestation class taught me about this…. or maybe I’m just missing the forest for, you know, the trees.

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And the list goes on. Without Tasty Basty and even the real Queen’s Head Pub, the future generations of Harvard will truly never know it like us old folk do. Take this as your sign to savor the moment, even if that moment is a paper to-go box, before future classes cannot!

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This weekend brought perfect fall weather, the emergence of pumpkin spice treats, and thousands of people descending upon the Charles in their Patagonias, Vineyard Vine vests, and L.L. Bean boots to watch the Head of the Charles — because wearing anything else to a rowing event in New England would be classified as a felony.

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Armed with our free TopoChico drinks, we wandered along the Charles to watch HOCR, grab as many free items as possible, and eavesdrop on all the conversations happening. Here is our collection of our favorite quotes from random passersby during HOCR — because no one is truly ever safe from our *crew.*

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“Aw… look at that future investment banker!! He has a better shot at getting a Goldman Sachs offer than I do,” upon seeing a three-year-old child dressed in Patagonia head-to-toe.

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“A very emotionally mature man is like a mid female at best… I would never go for any of the rowers here.” Honestly… we agree… but we have questions. So many questions.

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“Cigarettes over crack? Really??”

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“Well, which one do you think is more economical?” This calls for a Pareto efficiency curve.

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“I hate podcasts… why would I want to listen to more voices in my head?” Should we check in?

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"I'm feeling really row-mantic right now." Unfortunately for this young chap, chivalry is in fact dead. His girlfriend, whom he tried to hold hands with while saying this, proceeded to walk away. Womp womp.

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“Do you think a tornado is rigid or flexible?” You’re confused??? Us too. Honestly, I’d place my bets on rigid.

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“Wait, so the boats just… go? And then come back? And that’s it?” Two guys who were a bit confused about why thousands of people came to watch random kids in boats race.

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Here at Flyby, we had a great time listening to the Head of the Charles crowd make waves. Hope you did too, and see you by the river next year.

', [ShortcodeImageGQL(key='{shortcode-27b1f290ac048343b735845444b13f09ae0b9dec}', image_url='https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.thecrimson.com/photos/2025/10/20/045815_1381333.png', nofilm=False, pos='center', size='large', byline=True, quote=False, quotebyline=False, theme='light', caption='Whatever floats your boat.', hovertext=None, contributors=]>)])

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{shortcode-810371be614581f3a87ac2762a1c923efdbb5359}

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Your resident Danoff Dean expert is back and ready for more. More embarrassment, more glaze, more blackmail content for my friends to lord over me twenty years down the line. But momentary cringe is a small price to pay for the immersive, on-the-ground journalism you are all yearning for.

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That’s right: I’ve decided to take one for the team and return to my humble beginnings of recreating Harvard dean photos that somehow rival the cringe factor of your grandma’s posts on Facebook. Hey, on the bright side, at least nothing can be worse than that one time I willingly got on all fours to recreate former Dean Khurana’s Harvard-Yale photos…

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Ok, but back to the task at hand. Ah, Dean Deming. I must admit, I’m still kind of riding the high of seeing my “DMing with Deming” idea come to life on your Instagram. And boy, has it taken over your page. Potentially to my own detriment, I must say, because attempting to find still shots of you to recreate was as challenging as snagging a drink at Cafe Gato Rajo at 11:47 a.m. (iykyk). So, until we can diversify your content mediums a bit and put that selfie stick of yours to good use, please forgive the fact that most of these “photos” are just screenshots from your videos.

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Nonchalant Male in the Wild

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In the heart of Harvard Yard, the dean moves with ease. Every step is measured. Calculated. He leaves his University Hall sanctuary, ready to extend a helping hand to overwhelmed freshmen during move-in. A burst of speed, a moment of chaos, and a tipped-over box fan. A flurry of welcomes and handshakes with eager parents leaves him in need of a reprieve… That’s where the nonchalant persona kicks in.

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During these unprecedented times marked by an epidemic of nonchalant performative men, Dean Deming’s authentic, photo-op-ready self is a beacon of hope. No matcha or bell hooks in sight — just an appreciation for the stunningly crimson PAF move-in shirt and a classic pair of sunglasses. Absolutely no frills or fuss about it, just the way it should be. I urge you all to try striking this too-cool-for-school pose whenever you’re down in the dumps and starting to veer off into chalant territory. It works wonders.

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Breakfast Mukbang

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{shortcode-547b895452566c966fc25aa21c478c3cb03e1e48}

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Well, well, well. If it isn’t a hot breakfast sandwich in the wild, trying — and failing — to make people forget that Quincy’s the only house with hot breakfast (#besthouseforareason). But hey, I couldn’t knock it ‘til I tried it, and that I did. Do I regret the experience? Perhaps, but that’s mainly my fault for trying to recreate a breakfast sandwich during dinner hours when the only sandwich bar offerings were cheese and lettuce. Yes, you read that correctly: that sandwich I’m eating only had cheese and lettuce. Cheese. And. Lettuce. 0.2/10.

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In the end, though, my lack of panini press knowledge does not truly matter. I will happily continue to be spoiled with my hot, non-sandwich options even if that means putting up with a crowded dhall. And yes, Quincy’s dhall is still packed even after the introduction of these breakfast sandwiches, so what does that really tell us… Maybe it’s time for another Deming in the dhalls video to get to the bottom of this? Put me in coach!

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The Mannequin Challenge

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{shortcode-e3a99b07e16d8ecf3aad132ba289b5a28ab8d50d}

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The longer I look at these photos side by side, the harder it is to tell them apart in my totally humble and unbiased opinion. I mean, aside from the purple karaoke mic and white wall, the essence of the original photo is there. Look at all those happy faces! Rest assured, my other roommates behind the camera are smiling too. Nothing screams joy quite like street-style interviews — just ask any of the content creators you see in the Yard.

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Tonight, We Steal the Moon Ivy League Championship

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Now, it was getting way past my bedtime. My outfit changes were taking longer and longer, and my cheeks were hurting more and more from having to retake every photo. Safe to say, I was gaining a newfound appreciation for those college TikTokers and influencers. They truly are a different breed. In serious need of rallying, it was time to do what Harvard students do best. Show some school spirit.

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Ok, but I am totally a hypocrite because the only Harvard merch I could find was my Housing Day shirt circa 2024. That and the “One Crimson” sweatshirt that somehow becomes every freshman’s uniform of choice from October to March (#canonevent). While the jersey numbers certainly do not match, it’s the thought that counts. 24 or 29? Potato, Potahto. It’s all the same in my books. As for the stadium full of fired-up students, Quincy’s Qube library is basically the equivalent, but with more fluorescent lighting and blood, sweat, and tears shed by the students trapped inside. New Harvard-Brown 2026 location??

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Invisible String

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Before you come for me, I know this is definitely a cop-out since it’s not a recreation but rather an original in the flesh. But as part of the post that started it all for @deandeming (peep yours truly in the top right corner), I couldn’t leave it out.

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In the same way a third-grade teacher would gush over her students’ class pictures, I feel like a proud mother knowing that this is the first completely leveled, head-on photo of the student body on a dean’s Instagram in a while. With a bar already this high, I cannot wait to see what other major achievements lie in Deming’s chronically online future. You already know that it’ll be the first to report on (cough cough recreate) them.

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If these five photos tell you anything, it’s that the fun has only just begun. Creative ideas are a-brewing, and videos are already being pumped out faster than students flocking to a “free food in the dhall” email. So while we may have mourned the loss of the Khuranagram, it seems like the Demingram will be just as strong and entertaining. Happy scrolling, folks!

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