MP: i meant e 1st. it's also like water buffalo fat wch indians use 2 fry bread. much as i'd like 2 kp on talkg abt u, cn u nm me e futr stars tt will brk out of hrvrd?

SC: Harvard has a lot of talented people. Just calling it as I see it, I think OTI's Jim Augustine '01 and IGP's Sarah Haskins '01 are the two most consistently funny performers. I'm biased but Jody Flader '02 will kick Gwyneth Paltrow's ass out of Hollywood. Also, Christian Roulleau '01 is a damn good actor, I think Fink Fank Funk is the best band at Harvard and I'm keeping my eye on the BJ show this weekend. It could be the best thing all year or the biggest train wreck since well, I won't name the show. Let's just say, it wasn't one of the choicer moments in Harvard theater.

MP: i assume u r lvg my nm out of e grp so as not 2 embrrss me. v classy. im goin 2 b e ministr of plumbg in singapore. wat is art?

SC: Art is anything that has a Madonna in it.

MP: wat do u think of livg wage?

SC: Oh Lord. Politics and pop culture do not mix. Look what happened to Barbara Streisand, Warren Beatty! They're laughing stocks. All I have to say, Diva, is that someone should have grabbed the cane Gwyneth was walking on because of her broken toe and given her a big fat whack.

MP: hv u evr seen ganesh in a drm?

SC: The Indian God of Auspiciousness? All 2.5 of my Indian friends are totally irreligious. Sorry to disappoint you.

MP: well then, do u spk hindi in ur slp? ich spreche deutsch. i also sing until i wk myslf up. talk some more, soman. im hvg 2 tell stories abt myslf 2 kp e readrs intrstd.

SC: Have you noticed how this column gets wider and wider every week? First The Crimson, then the world! My mother will be so proud. She thought I was a little "slow" when I was a child. I used to sit in the corner and take my shoes on and off for hours at a time and make action figures out of toilet paper. They tried to buy me GI Joes, but I was like, "No, no, two-ply will be fine." They didn't bother with babysitters, they just gave me a couple of pots, some Puffs paper and a couple pairs of shoes. I didn't read till I was six. I wore velcro until I was 14 because I couldn't tie my shoes. I learned to tie a tie this summer. I remember that every time I got an A in school, my mother cried.