So this is it, the last In the [K]now of the year, perhaps the last In the [K]now ever. It was pointed out to me that this might be my last chance to ever explain myself. And so, without further ado, I present to you the Interview of all Interviews.

SOMAN CHAINANI BY MEI PIN

MP: bng a big celbrty, do u evr get stoppd in e st?

SC: [sighs] You know, I love having fans and I love the support, but it's hard. I totally understand what Ricky Martin means when he says he needs his "alone time." Every day, I need that hour of silence where I do Ashtanga Yoga in my Maharishi pants and I chant "Om" into the silence of my darkened dorm room. When I'm doing promotional tours and junkets in Asia, it really gets out of control. The States aren't such a zoo, but I get no privacy here either. The other day, this woman comes running up to me and thrusts her newborn into my face. It was a nice baby, nothing extraordinary. And she's like, "Please, please hold my baby. This has been my life's dream." So I hold it, and it smells like most babies. And then she starts crying. "I'm like, please. Really. Stop crying and pllleassee take your stinky baby." She stammers, "Will you, uhh, please be this child's godfather? That's all I've ever wanted. For you to be my child's godparent." And I just sighed and was like, "You know, I can't. I'm just sooooo busy."

MP: wat r ur plans 4 e rest of ur life?

SC: To go and be an ascetic on the top of Mount Meru. I have been so materialistic all these years. I need to go figure out what my place in the world is. I'll take my yoga mat and my Evian and I'll see you once I attain nirvana. Either that or go into consulting.

MP: wat r ur plans 4 e rest of my life?

SC: To get far, far away from you. Your no-vowels thing is starting to get on my nerves.

MP: kiss my ass. btw, y is ur ass so skinny?

SC: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. I was a Jabba the Hut baby for like two days and ever since then, I've been a lean, mean, pop culture machine. (Don't you love fat babies? You can knock them over and they'll stay there for days!) Actually, every one is holding their breath in anticipation because my mom has been a toothpick since birth and my dad started out a twig and got his healthy gut around age 20 or 21. So it's 50-50-am I gonna be a size 30 waist and have a flat stomach forever? Or will I finally get to buy an extra large T-shirt and drink a beer without getting full? My grandfather used to buy me weight gainer as a present every Christmas, but now the whole family is worried I might actually get fat. In the meantime, I'm all about pistachio milkshakes from Ben & Jerry's.

MP: wen r u tking me out agn, u lousy toad? ive nvr hd a pistachio milkshk. i dnt know if my asian digestv tract cn tk it. wat do u think?

SC: Lactose intolerance is all in your head. Don't let your stomach be your enemy.

MP: do u hv a girlfren?

SC: Somewhere my publicist is about to scream. If I told you that, then you'd know everything, right? I'll just repeat the words of William Shakespeare (I can't remember which play it's in), "When it comes to thy romantic life, keep thy mouth shut."

MP: wat mks u such an xpert on pop cultr?

SC: Because I'm not above it. You won't find many Harvard students who actually can say, "I watch Dawson's Creek because I think it's damn good." Instead, you get, "Oh, it's such a wonderful example of postmodern irony," etc. etc. Some boys like cars, others like baseball, others play with Barbies-my hobby is the culture of the masses. I'm reading fifteen magazines a week, surfing the net for an hour a day, instigating blocking group arguments over Britney Spears' fake boobs just so I can figure out where our culture is going. It's all about predicting the next big thing. I'm just calling it like I see it-when I say Jennifer Lopez is a whore, I mean it with all sincerity.

MP: do u agree wit e statmnt tht all indians sound like servants?

SC: What a truly excellent question. We've been subjugated all these years, what do you expect? I hear that we're no longer even considered "Asian." We're "Sub-Continental." Bah.

MP: hv u evr drunk ghee? or bathed in it? did u like it?

SC: Someone is blasting Billy Ray Cyrus into the courtyard. Let me regain my bearings. Hmmm, ghee? I don't know what you're talking about. Let me check Webster's. ghee: n. 1. A buttery milk concoction popular in Indian households 2. The sound one makes when they accidentally turn on the shower tap to hot, scalding water, i.e. "Gheeeeeeeee!" I'm assuming you're talking about the second one, Moop. And no, I'm too smart to do something like that.

MP: i meant e 1st. it's also like water buffalo fat wch indians use 2 fry bread. much as i'd like 2 kp on talkg abt u, cn u nm me e futr stars tt will brk out of hrvrd?

SC: Harvard has a lot of talented people. Just calling it as I see it, I think OTI's Jim Augustine '01 and IGP's Sarah Haskins '01 are the two most consistently funny performers. I'm biased but Jody Flader '02 will kick Gwyneth Paltrow's ass out of Hollywood. Also, Christian Roulleau '01 is a damn good actor, I think Fink Fank Funk is the best band at Harvard and I'm keeping my eye on the BJ show this weekend. It could be the best thing all year or the biggest train wreck since well, I won't name the show. Let's just say, it wasn't one of the choicer moments in Harvard theater.

MP: i assume u r lvg my nm out of e grp so as not 2 embrrss me. v classy. im goin 2 b e ministr of plumbg in singapore. wat is art?

SC: Art is anything that has a Madonna in it.

MP: wat do u think of livg wage?

SC: Oh Lord. Politics and pop culture do not mix. Look what happened to Barbara Streisand, Warren Beatty! They're laughing stocks. All I have to say, Diva, is that someone should have grabbed the cane Gwyneth was walking on because of her broken toe and given her a big fat whack.

MP: hv u evr seen ganesh in a drm?

SC: The Indian God of Auspiciousness? All 2.5 of my Indian friends are totally irreligious. Sorry to disappoint you.

MP: well then, do u spk hindi in ur slp? ich spreche deutsch. i also sing until i wk myslf up. talk some more, soman. im hvg 2 tell stories abt myslf 2 kp e readrs intrstd.

SC: Have you noticed how this column gets wider and wider every week? First The Crimson, then the world! My mother will be so proud. She thought I was a little "slow" when I was a child. I used to sit in the corner and take my shoes on and off for hours at a time and make action figures out of toilet paper. They tried to buy me GI Joes, but I was like, "No, no, two-ply will be fine." They didn't bother with babysitters, they just gave me a couple of pots, some Puffs paper and a couple pairs of shoes. I didn't read till I was six. I wore velcro until I was 14 because I couldn't tie my shoes. I learned to tie a tie this summer. I remember that every time I got an A in school, my mother cried.

MP: last qustion. who is my father?

SC: See, here's the dilemma. I still haven't figured out these Asian names. Is your official name Mei Pin Phua or Phua Mei Pin? We've tried to settle this but you always change the subject with a random piece of advice like, "Do not mistake Honey Mustard for Creamy Caesar in the dining hall." So to answer your question, your father is either Mr. Mei Pin or Mr. Phua.

MP: actually, my fa thinks he's elvis. in recent yrs, he's decidd 2 bcm a canto-pop star.

SC: I remember the day I decided to become a pop star. Packed up the bags, headed West, never looked back. And you know what they say about me now, baby. Once you pop, you can't stop.