MP: wen r u tking me out agn, u lousy toad? ive nvr hd a pistachio milkshk. i dnt know if my asian digestv tract cn tk it. wat do u think?

SC: Lactose intolerance is all in your head. Don't let your stomach be your enemy.

MP: do u hv a girlfren?

SC: Somewhere my publicist is about to scream. If I told you that, then you'd know everything, right? I'll just repeat the words of William Shakespeare (I can't remember which play it's in), "When it comes to thy romantic life, keep thy mouth shut."

MP: wat mks u such an xpert on pop cultr?

SC: Because I'm not above it. You won't find many Harvard students who actually can say, "I watch Dawson's Creek because I think it's damn good." Instead, you get, "Oh, it's such a wonderful example of postmodern irony," etc. etc. Some boys like cars, others like baseball, others play with Barbies-my hobby is the culture of the masses. I'm reading fifteen magazines a week, surfing the net for an hour a day, instigating blocking group arguments over Britney Spears' fake boobs just so I can figure out where our culture is going. It's all about predicting the next big thing. I'm just calling it like I see it-when I say Jennifer Lopez is a whore, I mean it with all sincerity.

MP: do u agree wit e statmnt tht all indians sound like servants?

SC: What a truly excellent question. We've been subjugated all these years, what do you expect? I hear that we're no longer even considered "Asian." We're "Sub-Continental." Bah.

MP: hv u evr drunk ghee? or bathed in it? did u like it?

SC: Someone is blasting Billy Ray Cyrus into the courtyard. Let me regain my bearings. Hmmm, ghee? I don't know what you're talking about. Let me check Webster's. ghee: n. 1. A buttery milk concoction popular in Indian households 2. The sound one makes when they accidentally turn on the shower tap to hot, scalding water, i.e. "Gheeeeeeeee!" I'm assuming you're talking about the second one, Moop. And no, I'm too smart to do something like that.