July 28

New Board of Overseers member John Lithgow '67 announces plans to film the deliberations of the board for a poignant three-part television mini-series. Lithgow will star as a member who is silenced for his proposal of divestment from companies that dump sewage into Boston Harbor, and Fred Grandy '70 will portray the stern President Bok in the film, to be called, "Divestment Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry."

August 3

Pornography protestors bomb the site of shut-down Maven's Deli, owned by Penthouse columnist and Harvard civil libertarian Alan M. Dershowitz. They are featured on Nightline when Dershowitz sues them for $21,000 in leftover pastrami costs. But he reminds Ted Koppel, "I still defend their right to free expression."

August 14

Harvard Management Company dissolves after a bungled attempt to double the University's $4 billion endowment by spending it all on MegaBucks tickets. Money management efforts are turned over to Donald Trump in exchange for renaming two graduate schools, the Trump School of Business Ethics and the Ivana Trump School of Tasteful Design.

August 28

As the beginning of school nears, the Harvard faculty brainstorms new courses that won't be too taxing on students or the teaching fellows assigned to devise the curricula: "Class Struggles in the Saturday Morning Cartoon", nicknamed "Pee Wee's Politburo;" "Your Friend the Immune System," otherwise known as "Cells are Swell" and "The Concept of Adonis in Southern California Beach Volleyball"--nicknamed "California Coolers."

September 1

In a bold move, Harvard offers all 3400 support staff tenure, thus solving simultaneously the contract issues and problems of female underrepresentation on the faculty.

September 5

President Bush, in an address beamed by satellite to televisions across the world, speaks of "a new era of economic prosperity." Idaho is subsequently sold to the Japanese to help America pay off its foreign debt.

September 21

After a difficult search for polically correct appointees to the Corporation--all were taken by the Bush administration--Harvard finally fills a vacant spot with one who has some extra time on his hands. "Grandma was right, I could get into Harvard, if I tried hard enough. Thanks, Dad," says Vice President J. Danforth Quayle. The Corporation's other vacancy is soon filled, when Gov./Rep./Mayor Joseph P. Kennedy II decides he needs the prestigious post for his resume.

October 15