DEEP in the musty catacombs of the Skull and Bones mausoleum, beneath the deteriorated remains and cufflinks of William Buckley, a rat raced over a stack of crumbling copies of the Yale Daily News. The top copy, the 1989 Year in Review/Swimsuit issue, was knocked off and opened to the comics page. Scrawled into the margins with the blood of nubile young oarsmen was a list of the secret cabal's top news events of the year. The Crimson's crack squad of investigative reporters/archaeologists, fresh from a screening of "Rambo XXIII: Rambo Meets Indiana Jones" starring Mike Tyson Jr. and Ron Reagan III, happened upon the site. They were able to salvage the following fragments for their readers.

January 31

The day before the Harvard semester begins, computer hacker Robert T. Morris '87-'88 breaks into the registration files and red dots the entire student population.

February 6

President Derek Bok announces his intention to serve as Secretary of Labor in the Bush Administration, insisting that the three days a week he will spend in Washington will not detract from his ability to perform the duties of Harvard's presidency. "Anything Graham Allison can do, I can do better," he tells the Harvard Gazette.

February 7

Vice President and General Counsel and Official Pointman and Union Candy Store Manager Daniel Steiner '54 takes on responsibility for approving tenure, selecting deans, greeting foreign diplomats and ingratiating himself with freshmen at Dean Moses' weekly teas. He denies that the additional responsibilities are an attempt to relieve President Bok's workload, explaining that he merely had to fill extra free time now that the anti-union drive is over.

February 11

In order to counter the University's celebrity-laden slate for the Board of Overseers, the Harvard-Radcliffe Alumni/ae Against Apartheid nominates Jack Lemmon '47, Talking Heads keyboardist Jerry Harrison '70 and folksinger Tom Rush '63. Michael S. Dukakis (Law School '60) attempts to place himself on the ballot as a write-in candidate, however he cannot find the requisite 293 alumni to recognize him.

February 14

President Bush, in a gesture of Valentine's Day spirit, announces that he will personally adopt all unborn, unaborted children, of all races, even the "little brown ones." He tells the nation, "I want to be like George Washington, the Father of My Country. Besides," he adds, "Barbara loves kids."

February 21

The Law School dean search continues, garnering mention for its longevity in the Guinness Book of World Records. Honorable mentions are given to the Kennedy School dean search and Radcliffe president search.

March 1

In a new twist to the housing lottery system, freshmen are all assigned to rooms in William James Hall. Assistant Dean for the House System Thomas A. Dingman '67 assures the Committee on House Life, "It's o.k. None of them were here last year, so they don't know about the asbestos."