In a suprise move, all nine final clubs agree to admit women to their current facilities. In a subsequent statement, the clubs' counsel Melvin Belli announces their hostile takeover of the Charles Hotel and plan to move all offices and open bars into their new headquarters. Radcliffe College, which has already started using the old club buildings as offices, is startled to find itself responsible for $300,000 in newly increased taxes on the club properties, which lost their tax easement privileges when the men moved out.

May 4

As the Core Curriculum marks its 10th year, professors of Core courses hold a colloquium on paper extensions, lotteries and pushy brown-nosers who frequent office hours--and decide that these traits should be officially incorporated into the Core's philosophy. An 11th division called "Modes of Inquiry" is created to foster these qualities in Harvard academic life.

May 17

On the first anniversary of the Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers victory, administrators and union officials come to the table again. "This time it's for real," says Thayer H. Cabot Jr., director of the Anti-Union Relations Hit Squad, which replaced the former personnel office after the April 1 incident. T. H. Cabot lays out the University's new benefit package--privileges on the Villa I Tatti golf course in Florence, Italy and reduced health care costs at University Health Services.

June 8

After the administration promises all 25,000 Commencement guests that this year's ceremonies would not be rained out, snow that SASC members had covertly prevented from falling all winter is unleashed upon the crowd. SASC said the chill in University attitudes toward divestment inspired this protest strategy, though a small faction of SASC members declines to participate due to the fact that all of the snow is white. Barbara Bush nevertheless gives an impassioned Commencement address about "A Thousand Point Spread" in the next Harvard-Yale Game, due to her husband's refusal to set foot in "that liberal boutique."

June 9

In the site of the former gelato/hot dog/bagel store on Mt. Auburn St., a new clothing store opens, calling itself "That Liberal Boutique." Grand opening ceremonies feature pork rinds and pate. Business soars due to the proximity of Eliot House.

June 29

Harvard Real Estate reveals that its plan to build a hotel on Mass Ave. is only the first step toward turning the campus and Harvard Square into a giant theme park. "We've already got the cobblestone sidewalks, an exciting ride below the street, a pastel-colored information booth and a pool of 6500 eager, clean-cut part-time workers to staff it," officials say. Plans are in the works for Michael Jackson to film a 3-D promotional spot for "Six Flags Over Harvard."

July 4

Drug Czar William Bennett commemorates Independence Day by exploding 1604 kilos of confiscated drugs over the Washington Monument instead of fireworks. When the smoke clears, it is discovered that President Bush has painted the White House in day-glo paisley, and the Pentagon has given out free chemical weapon souvenirs to tourists. D.C. Mayor Marion Barry is found wandering dazed through the downtown streets, but no one finds that out of the ordinary.

July 17

Harvard finally announces its selection for Law School dean and manages to fill the spot with a female minority. "I'm looking forward to the new post," says Matina S. Horner, who is Greek.