March 11

Joseph P. Kennedy II announces his candidacy for the Cambridge City Council in hopes of being the first seasoned politician to garner the mayoral seat and the governorship of Massachusetts at the same time. In a related event, Robert Healy is appointed city manager for life.

March 15

In anticipation of Spring Break, hundreds of reservations have been sent to the vacant lot on Mass Ave. where Harvard plans to build what it has advertised as a "sunny resort hotel." The Elks Club of Grand Forks, North Dakota and the I Tapa Keg Fraternity of the University of Anchorage are disappointed to find that they have been turned down by the management in favor of a delegation from Luxembourg--consisting of the country's entire population--which will be hosted by the Harvard Model Nuclear Superpower Conference in 1991.

March 20

Harvard's hockey team advances to the NCAA finals against Michigan State. A freak accident involving a drunken Zamboni driver and five upperclassmen in bunny suits leaves the starting line-ups of both teams unable to compete.

March 22

Hundreds of students sign up for pre-vacation plagiarism courses sponsored by Harvard Student Agencies. For a fee of $45, including drinks in the last session (with valid i.d.), students learn how to plagiarize more effectively without getting caught. Former head of McLean Hospital Shervert Frazier serves as special guest lecturer.

March 27

The Harvard and Michigan State hockey teams meet for a rematch only to find that the Undergraduate Council has scheduled an Iron Maiden concert in Bright Arena for the same evening.

April 1

Harvard administrators sit down with Harvard Union of Clerical and Technical Workers leaders to embark on contract negotiations. Suddenly, Harvard announces pay increases, a new network of child care facilities and fair job classifications for all support staff. The union negotiators eagerly sign the contract, before the Harvard officials get a chance to utter, "April Fools!"

April 9

On the 20th anniversary of the student takeover of University Hall, the Conservative Club comandeers the Business School's Baker Library demanding admission to Goldman Sachs' two-year analyst training program. After an unexpected scuffle over transcript files erupts, Harvard police fax the protestors a memo urging them to stop the violence. The demonstrators finally agree to leave the building in exchange for the restoration of ROTC on campus and the Pledge of Allegiance made mandatory at the beginning of each class.

April 20