It's almost June, and still no Commencement speaker, but Aloian is confident: "Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. We've got time." Regrets so far include A. Bartlett Giamatti, Jerry Falwell, George C. Marshall, John McEnroe, Paul "Bear" Bryant, George's Pompadour, Buzz Aldrin, and Megan Marshack.

A regular Administrative Board session is cancelled when Dean Fox fails to show up. "He was off practicing his jump shot," explains secretary Marilyn Nelson.

June

Commencement speaker John DeLorean, ringed by federal marshals, calls for "creative answers to budgetary problems," adding, "It's the real thing, baby." Bok awards him an honorary M.B.A.

Former Secretary of State Alexander M. Haig Jr. calls a press conference to announce that "Even though I resigned a year ago today. I'm still in control."

The second battery of renovations of the undergraduate Houses gets underway, but it immediately runs into snags in Eliot House. "We're having trouble getting the fairway between the clubhouse and K-entry," a workman explains.

Reminding America that "I'm still the greatest." New York Senator Ali announces his candidacy for President, pledging to use his "Dump-a-Chump" strategy. "We Democrats won't take no dive/That actor Reagan's goin down in five," he adds.

Senator Helms carries an are onto the Senate floor, explaining that it is time "to bury the hatchet" and end his five-month filibuster, the longest in American history.

July

Polish Premier Jaruzelski, saying he acted too hastily in withdrawing martial law, puts the Polish people on "disciplinary probation--the type with teeth."

Boxing results: Leonard and Peretz out point Hagler and Cock burn, respectively, before a sellout in Madison Square Garden. "Everyone has a God-given talent." Leonard tells the press afterwards. "Mine happens to be mauling the hell out of other human beings' faces." Peretz, behind on two judges' scorecards, is named the winner when Cock burn is docked points for hitting below the belt.

The Major League baseball owners, meeting to choose a replacement for ousted baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn, unanimously elect Harvard Vice President and General Counsel Daniel Steiner '54. Steiner had been at best a dark-horse candidate, but the owners explain. "We winked someone who doesn't take any nonsense from labor. Dan's no softie."

Harvard Campaign officials, pleased with the results of their Lesser Developed Countries Phase, kick off their Repressive Regimes Phase with gals fundraisers for alum in EJ Salvador, Chile and South Africa.

Meanwhile, President Reagan certifies further improvement in EJ Salvador's civil rights record. "No dissenter has been heard from all year," says the gratified President.

August