A giant food-scare spreads through Harvard, as the sudden deaths of seven freshman are blamed on tainted Halibut Cheese Casserole in the Union. Seeking to quell the crisis, University officials announce the introduction of a new "Halibut-lock" on portions of the dish, and offer tuition discounts to those who brave it. But some officials privately speculate that the real culprits are Bulgarian terrorists. Asked about the crisis, Presidential candidate John Glenn, on a campaign swing through Cambridge, calls for "research and development, of course."

Admitting that "I wasn't really qualified anyway," New York Senator Allophones D'Amato resigns his seat. In a special election for the vacant spot, former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali defeats Republican drugstore heir Lewis Lehrman handily. Ali runs on the slogan: "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee/ Lehrman got whapped once before, now I'll put him down in three."

Alumni Association officials begin gearing up early for June's Commencement. Director David A. Aloian '49 promises that the '83 Commencement speaker won't be "a clunker like the last two, nosier."

In a widely criticized move that has sportswriters dumbfounded, the directors of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Coopers town, N.Y. unilaterally elect the Toronto Blue Jays' 1979 bullpen to the Hall of Fame. In an exclusive Crimson interview, the Hall's director explains: "We were all just sitting around having some drinks and a good time, and we decided to have some fun. We didn't expect it to turn out like this."

The English Department announces that three of its tenured faculty members have been dead since 1975.

April

A highly placed White House source discloses that the President is considering a plan to tax homeless orphans. The revelation brings on a firestorm of criticism, and the official retreats. "It's actually just one of several policy options we've been talking over, he says. The others include beating, torching and dismembering the orphans, he reveals.

It's Academy Awards time, and Dustin Hoffman wins again. This time, he's awarded Best Actor for his performance in Bison, in which he dresses as a lonely buffalo whose federal funding has been eliminated and whose range is being plundered by oil magnates. The elated Hoffman reveals that his next movie will be Dullsie, the story of the political career of John Glenn.

Harvard Campaign workers, seeking alumni donations abroad in the fundraising drive's Lesser Developed Countries Phase, accidentally stumble across former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, who has been in hiding. They immediately hire Amin as an assistant to campaign head Thomas Reardon. "Dada's a great fundraiser," says President Bok. "Everyone he solicits comes through on his pledges."

With Commencement two months away, there's still no speaker, but the Alumni Association isn't worried. "We're gonna milk the old boy network for all it's worth," says Aloian. Negative R.S.V.P's so far. President Reagan, the Cabinet, 12 Senators, 42 Congressmen, 33 foreign heads of state and Georgia halfback Herschel Walker.

May

Seeking to dispel rumors that he doesn't have the stomach for an extended Presidential campaign, former Vice President Walter F. Mondale appears on CBS' "60 Minutes" and downs two full bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol.

New Jersey Senator Bill Bradley throws his hat in the Presidential ring for 1984,daclaring: "With Fritz laid up, I'm the best we've got." The Soviet news agency Tass observes. "Only in America could a spaceman and a basketball player be fighting for the chance to run against a former unemployed actor for President."

Unemployment hits a post-war high of 14 percent. Vice President Bush is sent to Haiti in search of voodoo economists.

Flamboyant Law Professor Alan M. Dershowitz, fresh from his successful defense of Lynette "Squeaky" Frame in her legal appeal, begins working to "clear the name" of Samuel Mudd, the Maryland doctor found guilty of assisting John Wilkes Booth by giving the assassin medical succor during his escape. In return, grateful NBC anchorman Roger Mudd--a descendant of the doctor--promises Dershowitz "all the air time he wants."