APRIL

Elizabeth Taylor, "out of my mind" after several months on her own, marries David Stockman, "out of my mind, period." In an interview in Parents magazine, Stockman says, "Our kids are going to get enough to eat. None of this ketchup stuff. Oops, the boss may use the buckle end this time."

Transferring to a geological time scale, the Dowling implementation committee promises to finish its deliberations "sometime before the end of this eon, or maybe the next."

In an effort to bolster Core enrollments, Dean Rosovsky announces the public execution of several freshman for failure to pass their Quantitative Reasoning requirement. "If you want to have an educational revolution, you have to break a few eggs," the rotund functionary announces. Cornell, Columbia and Bob Jones University immediately announces capital punishment programs of their own.

Saying he is bored with t.v. editorials, Oscar Handlin, Pforzheimer University Professor, announces he will produce a Broadway musical based on the great wave of immigration that marked the end of the nineteenth century. "It will be called 'Nativism as a Response to Large-Scale Population Influx,'" the historian/entrepreneur says. He adds that he has yet to find a backer for the project.

MAY

In a landmark ruling, Justice Rehnquist declares the federal Drug Enforcement Administration unconstitutional. "Maybe if the Justice Department attorney had only had two eyes, the result would have been different," Rehnquist says.

In preparation for his June-July vacation period, President Reagan announces he will take the month of May off "to practice." Citing "security reasons," Reagan advisers say the chief executive will spend the vacation in Tripoli. "All their gunmen are fomenting troubles overseas," Edwin Meese says.

On campus, Quincy House master David Aloian announces he will play for the House baseball team. Several curveballs into the opener, however, Aloian develops tendinitis. To salvage the season, he asks several Associated Harvard Alumni friends to purchase Fernando Valenzuela from the Los Angeles Dodgers.

University officials announce that Billy Walsh, a local condominium advocate, has agreed to serve as Commencement speaker. Sources say Walsh was not the first choice for the job; "in fact, we went right down the Fortune 500," one official discloses.

JUNE

An early morning blizzard worries Commencement officials, but sunshine breaks through and the temperature climbs into the low 40s for the ceremony. Actualy, ceremonies, since seniors A-M are graduated on the University Hall side of the Yard canyon. Honorary degrees are awarded to Albert "Dapper" O'Neill, Ed McMahon, Fred Jones (founder of S&H Green Stamps), Jack Webb ("crimefighter and character actor, he has contributed to the growth of UHF television"), and Timothy Leary ("ahead of his time, he has served the Supreme Court well this winter").

Arriving at Harvard several months behind schedule ("this is a troubled world"), Billy Graham converts almost half-a-dozen students to Christ at a Memorial Church service. "Sin pervades this campus," the famed video preacher said, citing the Science Center men's room and Tommy's Lunch as particular heathen-breeders. WHRB, whose president announces he has "seen the lights," switches to 24-hour sermonette programming.

Adopting the slogan, "A Fat Man for Lean Times," Sen. Edward M. Kennedy '54 kicks off his reelection campaign. Several advisers privately recommend that he not announce his candidacy from the bridge at Chappaquiddick. "Nonsense," Ted replies. "It will get lots of publicity."

JULY