"Not mellow, gentleman, not mellow at all. We've got to do something to salvage our competitive position before we miss the boat.

"What's gone down in popular music in the last three years hits us where we live. But we have a plan. Our special operations team has a series of memos about these 'new wave' bands that will have every parent in the country quaking, every John Bircher in arms, and every god-fearing American writing a letter to his congressman demanding action.

"In two weeks these memos will be on the desks of every lobbyist, every newspaper editor, every publisher, and every media manager in the country. I can see the slogans now--'Smash the New Wave,' and 'No New Wave' on every auto bumper, slapped over all the 'No Nukes' stickers. Here are the memos:

Memo #1. New Wave Music Promotes Neurosis Among Today's Youth

I know the animals are laughing at us

They don't even know what a joke is

I won't follow animals' advice

I don't care if they're laughing at us

They say they don't need money

They're living on nuts and berries

They say animals don't worry

You know animals are hairy?

They think they know what's best

They're making a fool of us

They ought to be more careful