Congratulations on your acceptances, Class of 2018! As you may already know, one of the main privileges of getting into Harvard is getting to use the 2018 class Facebook page. Here’s some advice on how to get ahead of the curve and become a celebrity on campus without ever leaving your bedroom.
Your Standardized Test Scores and GPA
Why be subtle in your pursuit to let everyone know how smart you are? There’s no better way to make friends than shamelessly posting your SAT, ACT, and GPA on the 2018 page. For added bonus points, also post SAT II, AP, IB, IQ, A-Level, and placement test scores!
All of Your Other College Acceptances
The more modest way of doing this is to ask the group to help you come up with pros and cons of attending Harvard instead of Yale, Princeton, Stanford, MIT, Cal Tech, Wharton, and all the other Ivies you got into. But why be humble? Posting the whole list of your acceptances will help you make friends because everyone obviously likes confident, successful people.
Let Everyone How Much You Are Slacking and Partying
The flip side of aggressively letting everyone know what a genius you are is aggressively letting everyone know how much of a second semester senior you have become. This is a good strategy because nothing shows you are chill like posting three times a day in order to make friends with people you have never met.
They say a picture is worth a thousands words. Pictures are also great ways of showing your future classmates how smokin’ hot you are! For added selfie awesomeness try taking a picture while you are “getting swole” at the gym or out partying! This is a great, totally not awkward, way of getting acquainted with your new classmates.
Overly Personal Stories or Information About Yourself
You can feel comfortable sharing the deepest, darkest secrets of your life that you wouldn’t even share with your best friends in high school because you can trust your 1,600 new best friends. You may not know them all yet, but that certainly shouldn't stop you for being overly comfortable sharing personal information on the internet. What could possibly go wrong?
Declare Your Candidacy for President… of the United States
It’s never too early to kick off your campaign! You got into Harvard, so you're obviously the chosen one, right? Flatly announcing your candidacy for the 2036, 2040, or 2044 election is a great way to let your classmates know you are a social juggernaut who will soon sit atop the national and (more importantly) campus hierarchy.
Uninteresting Things You Are Currently Doing
Not everything has to be as deep. Sometimes people need a refreshing “I am watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, you guys.” To be extra cool and hipster do something non-mainstream, like going to Starbucks.
The Video of Your Valedictorian Speech
This is a fun and not-at-all egocentric way of letting everyone know what a deep and thoughtful person you are. Your classmates will really absorb the insights you are sharing with them. You can also get more YouTube views. It’s a win-win situation you can create by posting effectively!
Totally Random Things You Found on the Internet
No one will be annoyed by the endless notifications they get when you do this. In fact, all 1,600 of your new friends are probably psyched to watch that 20 minute vine compilation you just watched! For extra fun try posting CAT BOUNCE! because it serves literally no purpose at all, and people will appreciate that.
Finally, post this article right now. Someone else posted it already? Post it again! You want to show people you know what’s going on around campus even though you’re a prefrosh. When you post this article you show you’re in the loop, you have a sense of humor, and I get to be on The Crimson’s most read articles! Everyone wins!