She shrugs and opens the nozzle on a bottle of boxed wine, guzzling it between her words.

ABBY: Drunk in—hiccup—we be all night.

Cut to Tree A. Palmedo ’16 and Will Holub-Moorman ’16. They are sitting alone in a corner, going through photos on Will’s phone and speaking in hushed nervous tones, trying to put the events of the night together.

TREE: Last thing I remember is—

WILL: Our beautiful bodies... grinding up in the club?

They quickly look over their shoulders to make sure they have not been overheard but only see Neha Mehrotra ’15, asleep next to someone with a sticker reading “Hello. My name is Chris.”

Pan to Brian B. Kim ’15, Grace E. Huckins ’16, Emma R. Adler ’16, and Erica X Eisen ’16 who are coming to the party after a long night of production. They take in the scene and shake their heads in disdain.

BRIAN, GRACE, EMMA, and ERICA: Arts boart.

Fade to black.

—Abby L. Noyes is the outgoing Columns Executive and incoming Arts Chair. When she isn't desperately trying and failing to be funny She can be reached at abbigaile.noyes@thecrimson.com.