The scene: An indistinguishable room in Kirkland in dim light. The camera pans to reveal a floor and tables littered with PBR cans, empty boxes of wine, and sleeping writers who simply cannot hang. The camera finds Alan R. Xie ’16, who sits staring dejectedly out of the window, wearing a bro tank.

ALAN: I've been drinking, I've been drinking.

POV shot of Alan’s phone screen. He is on Tinder and swipes right on every photo. A single teardrop falls onto the screen.

ALAN: I get filthy when that liquor get into me.

Cut to Natalie T. Chang ’15, who is seated on the Throne. She is holding a cigarette that appears to have gone out some time ago in one hand. She is staring at her other hand, which holds a can of PBR. She looks up at the camera.

NATALIE: I've been thinking, I've been thinking.

She looks back down at the can and squeezes it, crushing it.

NATALIE: Why can't I keep my fingers off it, baby? I want you, na na.

She raises the crushed can into the air. But then lowers her hand, defeated, and begins to gulp the PBR. This is the closest she’ll ever come to kicking any of her habits.

Cut to Jude D. Russo ’16. He is lying on his side atop a table, holding a copy of “Paradise Lost,” and looking down with scorn like a god at the cooler full of ice and beer below him.

JUDE: PBR on ice, PBR on ice. I sung of Chaos and Eternal Night,                                 Taught by the heav'nly Muse to venture down, The dark descent, and up to reascend.

The camera pans to David J. Kurlander ’17, who is sprawled on the floor. He opens a Snapchat from Adela and begins to take one in return, only to realize that someone has drawn a penis and the words “pastiche this” on his forehead in black Sharpie.

DAVID: We woke up in the Sanctum saying, "How the hell did this shit happen?"

Cut to Abby L. Noyes ’16. She is holding a baby but does not seem to know where it came from. It does bear a striking resemblance to—

ABBY: Oh, baby?

She shrugs and opens the nozzle on a bottle of boxed wine, guzzling it between her words.

ABBY: Drunk in—hiccup—we be all night.

Cut to Tree A. Palmedo ’16 and Will Holub-Moorman ’16. They are sitting alone in a corner, going through photos on Will’s phone and speaking in hushed nervous tones, trying to put the events of the night together.

TREE: Last thing I remember is—

WILL: Our beautiful bodies... grinding up in the club?

They quickly look over their shoulders to make sure they have not been overheard but only see Neha Mehrotra ’15, asleep next to someone with a sticker reading “Hello. My name is Chris.”

Pan to Brian B. Kim ’15, Grace E. Huckins ’16, Emma R. Adler ’16, and Erica X Eisen ’16 who are coming to the party after a long night of production. They take in the scene and shake their heads in disdain.

BRIAN, GRACE, EMMA, and ERICA: Arts boart.

Fade to black.

—Abby L. Noyes is the outgoing Columns Executive and incoming Arts Chair. When she isn't desperately trying and failing to be funny She can be reached at abbigaile.noyes@thecrimson.com.