The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (New York)

It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Michigan)

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. (Connecticut)

CULTURAL CATASTROPHE: BIG DIET

Everybody wants a piece of that rich, creamy Reality TV pie. And come next summer, that pie will be especially frothy in the house that becomes the national stage for ten "Big Diet" contestants. And you thought "Survivor" was sketch! For "Big Diet," two producers have put together the most reprehensible premise for a television show in the history of the world - and it begins, intriguingly enough, with ten hapless overweight contestants. The creators will gleefully stuff these fatties into their booby-trapped lair and monitor their every move until the weekly climax where the contestant who has lost the least weight is ceremoniously booted from the house. The "Big Dieter" who loses the most weight wins that weight in gold. But alas, there must be a catch. And in the "Big Diet" house, our overstuffed contestants will have to not only survive each other, but also survive a house stocked with everything but carrots and celery. In every corner, there will be pies and pastries, sausage and spam, cotton candy and candy corn, oil-dripping pizza, luscious string cheese, buttered popcorn, greasy potato chips, hot chocolate fudge, marshmallow stashes, twinkies, ho-hos, lard, etc. And to make things even more intriguing, the house also carries a complete indoor gym and a jogging track. After all, even the producers are alert to the fact that the most dramatic moments of the show will come when contestants indulge in melancholy, desperate eating binges, subsequently feel remorse and then frantically run around the jogging track until they vomit and cry. Hooray for anorexia! Cheers for bulemia! It's a morally bankrupt idea and it makes even a cynical bastard like me sort of queasy, but I'm also slightly intrigued by the possibilities of sabotage once the field is narrowed to two or three. Just think of the potential scenarios! Instead of Survivor-esque alliances, you'll have feisty individuals strategically placing Goobers and Slim Jims under each other's pillows, toothbrushes, shoes, etc. I would hate to be the crew member monitoring that house's bathroom cam.