Stromile Swift: This 6'9 All-American forward from Louisiana State has two things going for him: a great wingspan and a cool name. In addition to being able to block his taller opponents' shots, Swift also boasts the best name left in the tournament. Of course, the name "Stromile" doesn't even compare to that Providence guard of several years ago, the venerable God Shammgod.

University of North Carolina: UNC is the benevolent counterpart to "Shu-shef-skee" and his evil Dukies. Coached for years by Dean "The Dean" Smith, and now by the adequate Bill Guthridge, the Tar Heels have a special gambling place in my heart: every year I predict they'll make the Final Four, and every year they lose in the early rounds to the likes of Weber State. Who? Yeah, you don't know either. This year I corrected that and predicted they'd lose to a stronger Stanford in the second round. Instead, they appear to be on their way to the Final Four. Oops.

Harvard: Unfortunately, your Crimson won't be in the NCAA tournament until 2002. Mark my words.

I hope this glossary gives you a better sense of March Madness and all its wonderful aspects and traditions. Now you can participate in those fun dinnertime discussions and say intelligent things like "Well I had Iowa State going to the Four but I realized Fizer couldn't contain the mad ups of MSU's Pederson."

In closing, remember one thing: if you happen to run into Mike Krzyzewski one day, make the sign of the cross and run like hell.