The Final Four: The best four teams have valiantly fought their way through the tournament, earning the right to bask in the limelight of Indianapolis, Indiana. Saturday night features the two semifinals, culminating in the final battle on Monday. But there's one problem--what cute moniker can be attached to that final championship game? "The Tenacious Two"? "The Titillating Two"? "The Pre-Ordained Michigan State-Duke Final"? If you have a better idea, mail your suggestion to: The NCAA Commission on Nicknames, Fines & Suspensions, 14 Plympton St., Cambridge, MA 02138.

So now you've got a pretty good idea of different terms you're going to see during the course of the last two weeks of the tournament. But what about specifics? Do you know about the schools involved or anything about the players? Probably not. So read on:

Duke University: This southern school's team is nicknamed the "Blue Devils" because it represents the evil of all college basketball. This deceitful institution consolidates its power by recruiting most of the best high-school players with promises of "an education and a free ticket to the worst NBA team." Duke is coached by Beelzebub himself, a.k.a. Mike Krzyzewski (strangely pronounced "Shu-shef-skee"). The Duke fans--dubbed Cameron Crazies--are nothing more than deluded Satanists that religiously worship Krzyzewski.

Kenyon Martin: This Cincinnati basketball player gets the award for Unluckiest Player Ever. A consensus All-American, Martin injured himself the week before the beginning of the tournament, costing his team the No. 1 seed. Cincinnati then lost to Tulsa in the second round. That means the evil Duke has the best chance of advancing to the finals. Coincidence? I think not.

Gonzaga: This school is just weird. Out of the national picture for 49 weeks of the year, this small Jesuit college in Spokane, Wash., plays well for three weeks and messes with every expert's tournament prediction. The "Zags" rely on their three-point shooter, Matt Santangelo. Sources tell me the team also gets added inspiration upon learning that I pick them to lose in the first round every year.

Ball St.: Despite the fact that this Muncie, Ind., school has already been eliminated, it's still funny that there's a school called Ball State.