(Note: This column should not be construed as encouraging illegal sports gambling, despite the fact that it is an enjoyable, easy way to make lots and lots of cash.)

So you're sitting in the dining hall one night when one of your friends asks the inevitable question: "So, how are your NCAA brackets looking?" You freeze and drop your General Wong's chicken. You're the kind of person who thinks March Madness refers to the pre-Spring Break midterm rush. How do you respond?

Ordinarily, you'd be screwed. But not this time.

To help you, I present The Handy Dandy NCAA Men's Basketball Dictionary--your guide to the crazy world that is college hoops.

NCAA: The National College of Arbitrary Admonishers. This secret society, based in Kansas City, Mo., dishes out random penalties and suspensions without adequate explanation, similar to the New York State judicial system. The NCAA "Clearinghouse" assures that young athletes don't start committing felonies until they are in the NFL.

A Pool: This is the most popular way to wager money on the NCAA tournament. Usually twenty educated basketball enthusiasts pay $5 for the right to lose it to some lucky idiot who guessed that Seton Hall would beat Temple.

Sweet Sixteen: This is one of the many cute nicknames that correspond to the decreasing number of participants in the tournament, despite its usual use in reference to a high school sophomore's birthday party. Other cute nicknames include "The Elite Eight" and "The Final Four" (see below).

Mad Ups: College basketball players run about 6'3, which of course is way too small in a sport dominated by mini-Goliaths. They make up for this by having "mad ups", which means they can jump really high. But don't expect to hear Billy Packer of CBS Sports using this slang on TV: he's busy telling his female co-workers to "go find a WNBA game".