No, I am not a writer. If you look carefully at my short "stories," you will see that they are actually nothing but black marks on paper, abstract drawings. People only think they are stories! I have fooled everyone!
When did you first learn about the power of imagination?
I used to bring a Snoopy lunchbox to school. It was light blue and plastic and had a red thermos inside. After a while it broke, and I got a metal Little House on the Prairie lunchbox with pictures of Laura and Mary and Ma and Michael Landon all over it. After I lost that, I brought my lunch to school in a brown paper bag. Then we ran out of food at my house, but I told everyone I had a magic invisible lunch, and they all thought I was the coolest kid in the second grade.
That's a nice story.
Thanks. I made it up myself.
What do you plan to do after you graduate?
I'm planning to produce a feature film based on my life. I'm working on the script right now, and Tarantino has agreed to direct (we are old friends). We are already working out the casting: perky Winona Ryder will play me as a wide-eyed idealistic freshman, and the 400-pound transvestite actor Divine will play me as the bitter, disillusioned senior (yeah, I know Divine is dead but I'm sure we can prop him up or something. They can do anything with dead people in the movies these days--didn't you see The Crow?). My Roommate will be played by Peter Falk. The staff of the Crimson will be portrayed by Fraggles. The staff of the Lampoon will be played by the Jawas from the first Star Wars movie, except for Rebecca Kirshner, who will be played by Courtney Love. Courtney Love will be played by Rebecca Kirshner. David Spiegel will fill the underwear role. Winsome Brown will appear as herself.
The film will have lots of fancy MTV-style montage editing, shameless product endorsements and poorly-acted director appearances. The kids will go crazy for it. McDonald's will put scenes from it on their Happy Meal packages. I'll be able to retire before I'm 30, and I will live in a Beverly Hills mansion with 17 pools, and Van Goghs on the walls, and beautiful naked dancing men in every room.
What are you really going to do after you graduate?
I just told you.
What are you really going to do after you graduate?
Leave me alone.
Will you miss cartooning?
Yes, there's nothing as exciting as creating something--an image, a face, a character--out of nothing at all, and bringing it to life.
Like me?
Yes, you phantom interviewer. Like you.