Monday, 28--U.S. Judge Robert Bork announces today that he will team up with international songstress Charo in a charity benefit on behalf of the homeless. In an unrelated disclosure, Bork confirmed that he seldom wears any clothing beneath his robes.
September
Monday, 11--The Corporation votes to divest of all South Africa related stocks.
Tuesday, 12--Armed conflict erupts in the streets of Pretoria.
October
Wednesday, 3--In perhaps the greatest prank of all time, students put chisels to the John Harvard Statue, scratching the "o" from "founder", changing "1638" to "1636", and adding after "John Harvard" the inscription "--as modeled by Sherman Hoar, student".
November
Tuesday, 8--In a surprising development, write-in candidate Mikhail S. Gorbachev, though a communist, is elected President of the United States.
Following his acceptance speech, President-elect Gorbachev approaches failed Democratic candidate Leo Buscaglia with arms spread wide in a gesture of post-election reconciliation. Dr. Buscaglia, who responds by smacking Gorbachev in the kisser, is siezed and taken away by a cadre of special body guards whose appointment had been the new president's first official act.
Wednesday, 9--George Bush emerges from his Houston Residence, the Sheraton Hotel, to address his supporters. "I don't care what anybody says, I didn't cry when they told me, I didn't. And if anybody says I cried, I'll kick 'im right in the rear end. I mean it. War heroes don't kid around."
Buscaglia cannot be found for comment.
Thursday, 17--The Rose Bowl Committee awards bid to undefeated Crimson football squad.
December
Monday, 5--The publishing world was shocked today be the revelation that Stephen King does not in fact exist and is the nom de plume of a trio of idiot savants working out of a basement workship in Cleveland.
Thursday, 15--University of Chicago professor Allan Bloom today announced that he was taking back all the criticism of contemporary American society that he levelled in his unexpected blockbuster book The Closing of the American Mind. "What can I say?" he said in an announcement addressed to the American people. "I was drinking a lot back then, my significant other was giving me a hard time and my stomach was acting up. I was in a pretty bad mood and I took it out on you all. I'm really sorry. Really."
Wednesday, 21--In a simultaneous announcement, Harvard and the Public Broadcasting System reveal that Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III will replace the venerable Alastair Cooke as host of PBS's "Masterpiece Theater." When reached for comment, Epps said, "I feel this exciting new post is the culmination of my long, if not varied, career. I look to the future with my head held high and my hat doffed to those who will succeed me."