Saturday, 7--International hostilities peak when Libyan strongman Moammar Khaddafy sends bombers out to blow the Mather House Booze Cruise out of the water. "We have stated time and time again that our territorial waters extend into Boston Harbor," the Libyan leader says. "If those smart-alecky Harvard kids don't respect The Line of Death ... well, tough nuggies."

Khadaffy's isolation in the world community was broken only by a congratulatory telegram from Cambridge City Councilor Al Velluci.

Monday, 11--Tired of charges of that he is a carpetbagger, Rep. Joe Kennedy today announced that he was moving his family to a home within the city limits of Cambridge. "I am pleased to announce that as of this moment, Ich Bin Ein Cantabrigian."

June

Thursday, 9--Commencement Speaker Woody Allen refuses to speak to the gathered assembly, but does treat the audience to a clarient rendition of "Harvard, Fair Harvard".

The University grants honorary degrees to nine old men and one old woman, as usual. No one recognizes any of the names but everyone is very impressed.

Wednesday, 15--In response to concern among graduating seniors that the market's sustained downturn since Black Monday and deteriorating economic indicators will keep Wall Street firms from hiring in large numbers, President Bok issues an emergency Open Letter. "Somehow, Harvard men and women always manage to prevail," Bok writes. "Our alums at all the major brokerage houses tell me that their organizations will be able to find jobs for recipients of Harvard's great liberal arts education."

July

Wednesday, 6--Securities and Exchange Commission investigators arrive at the Boston office of Walter M. Cabot and remove Harvard's top money man in handcuffs, charging him with responsibility for Black Monday. "I was just playing with the new computer, and then, suddenly, I had sold the entire endowment short," Cabot said. "Sorry," he added.

Friday, 22--Following Columbia's lead, Harvard decides to relax admission standards for athletes.

Thursday, 28--Declaring his undying love for everyone in the Atlanta convention hall as well as those at home in front of their television sets, Dr. Leo Buscaglia today accepts the Democratic Party's nomination for the presidency of the United States of America. "Just as Ike promised to go to Korea, I pledge to you today, my fellow Americans, that I will traverse the land for as long as it takes until I have hugged each and every one of you, thus uniting the entire nation--metaphorically speaking, of course--within my loving embrace. If you don't vote for me, you can all drop dead."

Friday, 29--The 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul open without a hitch, thanks to tight security and promised political and economic reforms. ABC wins kudos for its "Up Close and Personal" segment on the country's leader Rae Tah Woo, entitled "My Brilliant Korea."

August

Thursday, 11--Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush today accepted the nomination of his party and immediately lashed out at his opponent, Dr. Leo Buscaglia. "I'm not one for this huggy-wuggy touchy-feely stuff. I'm a man's man, and if you doubt it, I'll kick you right in the fanny. I was a war hero, you know."

Tuesday, 22--Mysteriously, football coach Joe Restic spends entire athletic budget on 1988 Trans Ams before recruiting trip to the South.