Merry Christmas to You Wayne Newton
Instead, I made do with this one. "What is this?--Alvin and the Chipmunks?" my friend asked.
"No...."
"Anne Murray?"
Close. This was Wayne Newton, actually cited in some circles as the most popular entertainer, revenue-wise, in the universe. I listened to all 20 songs, trying to figure out why. I even ruled out comic value--Wayne is definitely too bad to be funny. I also hear that both the Mafia and the FBI are after this man, which does not seem unreasonable, given the lengths those organizations have gone to in the past to exterminate annoyances.
Regardless, there is no reason whatsoever to purchase this collection, unless you are 63 years old, have pink hair and purple lips and turn on to the thought of spending Christmas with Andy Williams and a slot machine.
ELVIS sings The Wonderful World of Christmas
This album was recorded by the time Elvis had become pathetic. You buy it expecting to hear a great voice sing the old classics; what you get is an overproduced record by a fat man in a white jumpsuit who had stopped believing in anything but throwing wilting leis and sweaty hand-kerchiefs to 37-year-olds. The King belts out every line as if it were the climax of the song and the ultimate tribute to the Most High:
The-uh ferrrrr-erst Noh-oh-ellllll! ! ! !
Theee-eee Anngels DID saaaaay! ! ! !
Was to cer-ten poor shep-erds! ! ! !
In feeeeelds as they laaaaaay! ! ! !
This is pretty embarrassing, as is the fact that the song "I'll Be Home on Christmas Day" is directly followed by a tune called "If I Get Home on Christmas Day." Here are the people who probably have this album in their collection: Richard Nixon, Reggie Jackson, and Slim Whitman.
John Denver & The Muppets: A Christmas Together
Why are these folks spending the holidays together? A man whose face looks like a pumpkin and a dozen stuffed puppets. Similarly congruous alliances might include the The Clash and Olivia Newton-John or maybe Chrissy Hynde and the Archies.
Oh, there are some cute, cute ditties on this album, all right, like Kermit the Frog singing "The Christmas Wish" and John Denver telling the tale of "Alfie the Christmas Tree." But the whole thing is ruined when you hear Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem singing the Beach Boys "Little St. Nick." It reminds you that only some children's toys--and never the Malibu Five--could ever get away with singing that song in 1981, now that we are all sexually liberated and well into the nuclear age.
Phil Spector's Christmas Album
Seriously:
Take $3.49 right now, put on your jingle bells, and RUN to buy this album, probably the greatest Christmas rock 'n' roll collection every recorded. First released in 1963 (and again this year), it features