April 13: As expected, Senator Kennedy trounces Carter and Brown in the New Hampshire Democratic Primary. Amy Carter, prompted by her grandmother, tells the Washington press corps that she hoped no one would mention Kennedy's dating habits as it might upset his troubled wife.

April 15: Major oil companies register record first quarter profits with industry leader Mobil weighing in with a 200 per cent jump over 1979. The seven largest oil copmpanies agree to ease the fiscal crunch faced by the U.S. Government by buying the Interior Department.

April 29: President Bok, dismayed by the lackluster results of Harvard's capital fund drive announces his conversion to born-again Christianity. Singer Bob Dylan donates all the profits from his last album and asks that the next available library be named after Him.

May

May 12: Salt II treaty remains on the Senate floor as Southern senators filibuster. Sam Nunn of Georgia declares that his colleagues' latest demand was to exchange SALT II for the death of Soviet Premier Leonid Brezhnev. Meanwhile, facing growing criticism on the left, Kennedy announces that he will solve the urban mass transit crunch by placing the MX subterranean missile system on city subways.

May 21: Faced with near total international isolation, the Iranian government appoints Harvard's Rev. Peter Gomes honorary Ayatollah. Gomes is the first black, non-muslim to serve in Iran's Revolutionary Council.

May 24: The investigating committee headed by Earl Warren brings in its report on the Connecticut Yankee meltdown. The report claims that a single neutron which passed through all 54 graphite damping rods, the containment vessel, the cooling system and 3 technicians caused the chain reaction leading the the meltdown.

June

June 5: The Shah of Iran is the surprise speaker at Harvard's Commencement. Clutching a Harvard honorary degree in his withered claw, the cancerridden ex-dictator cites the moral decline of the West as the reason for his downfall, calling for the re-instatement of ROTC at Harvard. President Bok dinies rumors that the Shah was chosen only after both Hubert Humphrey and John Wayne turned down invitations to speak.

June 12: Margaret Thatcher, dubbed Attila the Hen by critics, loses a vote of confidence in the House of Commons. A mysterious fire sweeps through the Parliament building. Citing the danger of ceding control of new American missiles in Europe to the "pink forces within the Labor Party," Thatcher imposes martial law and seizes power for an indefinite period.

June 19: Indira Gandhi consolidates her hold on the Indian electorate. Pointing to the dangers posed by Vietnamese troops who have expanded their drive to include an advance on Bangladesh, she reimposes martial law and orders a speedup in nuclear weapons production, threatening to "turn Hanoi into a parking lot."

June 24: As candidates scramble for last minute support before the nominating conventions, Harold Stassen, with three committed delegates, is termed key to Republican contest. Campaigning for the crucial gay vote, Kennedy drives a male campaign worker safely across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan.

July

July 2: Menachem Begin, piqued into action upon learning that six of the American hostages in Iran are Jewish declares martial law and seizes the Dome of the Rock Mosque--the third holiest spot in Islam--in Jerusalem.

July 18: Carter announces second cabinet shakeup, to prepare for his campaign. He removes all current officeholders. Kim Jae Kyi, former head of the Korean CIA is made head of Justice Department. Former Philadelphia Mayor Frank Rizzo becomes Secretary of Defense, Idi Amin is named Secretary of State. Miz Lillian takes over the U.N. Ambassador slot.