3) Play lucky numbers. One of the oldest systems for losing and usually very effective.

4) Play lucky names. Requires no knowledge of horses whatsoever. Yankee Go Lucky came in dead last in the fifth race at Foxboro Sunday.

5) Play the post positions. Posts one through three win more often than four through eight, but not often enough to stop the cash flow. A good losing proposition.

6) Play the Superfecta. If you can pick the first four hourses in the correct order you are too lucky ever to be a successful loser.

7) Play the program. Pick a sure winner and watch it trip.

8) Play the tips. Forget betting and dump your dough on code books and breeder's guides. Then spend the change on tootsie-fruitsie.

CHAPTER 6: HOW TO HIDE YOUR LOSSES

Act like a winner. Here are two surefire techniques:

1) Pick up someone at the track. There are enough bettors who are overweight, alcoholic, and divorced to keep you busy til all your assets are gone.

2) Take your partner to Wonderland Dog Track on Wednesday nights. The Butterfly Lounge across the street has an amateur striptease night with $100 top prize. Patrons occasionally get shot for "talkin' down on somebody's woman," providing colorful material for short stories and New Yorker profiles.

CHAPTER 7: WHAT TO LOSE FOR IN THE FUTURE.

Dostoevski, a compulsive gambler, once wrote that he had had an orgasm while losing a large sum of money on a bet. To each his own....