Joe Restic, new coach of the Cincinnati Bengals, is asked how he plans to use split end Pat McInally '75. "McInally?" Restic answers. "Didn't he get a Rhodes?"

Asked why his establishment is the only one in Harvard Square that gives pinball players three balls per game instead of five, Thomas Stefanian, owner of Tommy's Lunch, replies: "Let me tell you something. These guys, some of them, with their feet up when they sit there, and using all these napkins for a raspberry lime rickey, who come in the door all the time wanting stuff they can't get at no other place because I've been in business here longer than any of 'em. But seriously."

Stephen S.J. Hall orders his cold-zone program suspended for the remainder of the summer. "Let's face it," he says, "even where we've got air-conditioning it's costing a fortune to keep these buildings at 40 degrees."

September

The women of the Class of 1980, Caroline Kennedy and Sissela M. Bok, move into their suite in Thayer North. Deane Lord, director of Harvard's news office, comments, "This'll shut up all the malcontents who say the president doesn't know any freshmen."

Krister Stendhal steps down as dean of the Divinity School, saying, "If God had intended me to stay on, He wouldn't have had President Bok ask me to retire." In his search for Stendhal's successor, Bok is reported to be considering Robert Moses, Deane Lord, Jesus Alou, Isaiah Robertson, Frank Church, Adam Clayton Powell and Yves Montand.

In honor of its centennial, the Lampoon donates $100 to eight major charities. A letter accompanying the $12.50 check to the United Jewish Appeal reads in part, "We at Harvard's humor organization know full well that poverty and suffering are nothing to laugh about, although Jews are, if you know what we mean."

The Department of English and American Language and Literature announces that six senior members of its faculty have been dead since the spring of 1973. "It's high time we faced up to it," a department spokesman says.

October

In an open letter to the Harvard community, Dean Rosovsky announces that he has cut his salary to $40,000 and expects all Harvard workers to do the same.

The New Republic prints an article by someone Martin H. Peretz does not know. "What can I say-it just slipped by," says managing editor David Sanford. "The guy told us he met Marty at a cocktail party in New York, and, of course, a thing like that is very hard to check. It won't happen again."

Caroline Kennedy '80 invites her freshman classmates on a "Get to Know You" cruise aboard the Onassis yacht. "I mean, don't you just hate mixers?" she says.

E.O. Wilson tells a press conference that the only way to produce a mule is to mate a horse with a donkey. "You can't mate two mules," he says. "It just won't work."

Acting on advice from James Q. "Lock 'Em Up" Wilson, his new Minister of Justice, Generalissimo Gorski mines all walkways in the Yard. "We've got to do something about trespassers," he says, "and I'm sick and tired of being Mr. Nice Guy."

November