b.) During a one-year moratorium on washing dining utensils.

2.) Shut off heat in all Houses, with the exception of designated warm zones to be inhabited by students in Groups I and II.

Field Marshall Gorski arrests Archie C. Epps III, dean of students, for no visible means of support. Gorski says, "What really puzzles us is where he gets those suits."

The editor of the Harvard Law Review defends his decision not to suspend Spiro M. Pavlovich from the Review staff. "You can say whatever you want about him," he says, "but you can't deny he's got the grades."

Edward O. Wilson calls a press conference to announce his discovery that chickens continue to run around for several seconds after their heads are cut off. Wilson tells reporters that this could have profound consequences for historians studying the French Revolution.

Wallace supporters storm The Boston Globe to protest the newspaper's headline, "Wallace Rolls to Victory in Mass Primary."

April

Harvard admits 1478 men and two women to the Class of 1980. "They wanted equal access and we gave it to 'em," chortles Jack Reardon '60, director of Admissions as he dresses for a squash game with L. Fred Jewett '57, dean of admissions. "Yeah," says Jewett, snapping a towel at Reardon, "look at it this way: Radcliffe's loss is Pine Manor's gain, if you know what I mean."

A mob of angry females and female sympathizers occupies the admissions office to demand Jewett's resignation. In response, General Gorski declares the Radcliffe Quad a free-fire zone. "I see light at the end of the tunnel," he says.

FBI agents searching a New Jersey dump uncover the body of Rep. Hale Boggs. "All right, who's the wise guy?" says an FBI spokesman. "Now I suppose we'll find Hoffa in Alaska."

The Class Day Committee invites Senator Robert Byrd to speak at Commencement after the seniors' first two choices, Ambassador George Bush and Nguyen Van Thieu, both decline. "Let me put it this way," says Class Day chairman Ron Wade, "The Senator is no prize, but a Byrd in hand is worth Thieu and Bush."

The Harvard Independent announces that it stopped publishing two years ago.

May

A week after Harvard grants tenure to Doris Kearns, Cosmopolitian begins serializing her psycho-history of Lyndon Johnson, All the Way With LBJ. "Lyndon Johnson was a man of contradictions," the first installment reveals. "He was kind and cruel. Cheerful and morose. Refined and crude. Young and old. Smart and dumb. Tall and short." "Well," Harvey Mansfield, chairman of the Government department, remarks, "this isn't the first time I've been bamboozled by a broad, and it probably won't be the last."

Calling for an end to elitism and privilege everywhere, a Crimson editorial headlined "Down With the Fly" proposes a college-wide boycott of the Fly Club Garden Party.