August

Sissela Bok, former research fellow in Medical Ethics, sees The Taking of Pelham One Two Three four times and hijacks the Harvard-Radcliffe shuttlebus, demanding its collected fares. Told that the bus is free, Bok demands to be driven to Cuba. The driver lies and tells her there is not enough fuel, and she is captured attempting to parachute out the rear emergency door. "We can't all be Einstein," she shrugs, as she is led away.

At a hastily called press conference, President Bok labels his wife "cute," but lays off the Germanic Languages Department in retaliation. "If you went to the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, Mich., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok adds, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." In Washington, President Gerald Ford is laid off.

In a special ceremony at George Wald's bedside, Leonard Bernstein '39 awards him the Nobel Peace Prize. Bernstein also awards himself the first Nobel Prize for Music. "It's about time," Bernstein remarks. Bok squelches merger rumors by selling Radcliffe to Libya. Libyan premier Col. Muammar Qadaffi closes the school down. "As the leader of progressive Third World anti-imperialist forces everywhere," Qadaffi announces, "I do not believe in education for women. Back to the bedroom." F. Skiddy von Stade comments, "Me too."

Overdue at Philadelphia Eagles' training camp, Pat McInally issues a statement from his home in California, saying that he "still can't make up my mind between a Rhodes and the pros."

September

Chanting "Martin Bormann, we see you: it's time to pay for six million Jews," 15,000 NAM protesters attempt to confront Bormann at the Harvard Club as he accepts the Harvard Republican Club's Teddy Roosevelt Award for Service to a Superior Race. Bormann leaves by the back door, unnoticed.

In a second trial of Martin Peretz's investigative reporting policy, an Independent editor discovers that Stephen S.J. Hall's third name is Jose, and that Hall is still working, two months after Bok laid off all people with Spanish surnames. Hall agrees to go quietly. "If Roberto Ungar counts, so do I," he says. "El pueblo unido jamas sera vencido."

After his team loses its first game, to MIT, Bok lays off football coach Joe Restic. "His plays were just too complicated," Bok remarks, "and his teeth were just too white." Bok also lays off all of Harvard's famed dollar-a-year men. "They were overpaid," Bok quips.

October

In a tragic third trial of Martin Peretz's new investigative reporting policy, an Independent editor is dispatched to check rumors that the Lampoon's Ibis has been electrified to prevent theft. He never returns. "Things were going so well," Peretz moans, announcing the end of the investigative policy. "Liberals like myself are very concerned about human life. Besides, we already have our Pulitzer."

In a hastily called press conference, Bok announces that the nation's 38 per cent unemployment rate is "rather serious." "If you went to Yale College in New Haven, Conn., then you might have to worry about a job," Bok continues, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." A million garment workers, grape pickers, bank tellers, and Yale alumnus Charles U. Daly, vice-president for Government and Community Affairs, are laid off. "Bulldog, bulldog, bow, wow, wow," Bok chuckles.

Kuwait buys the Law School, the Medical School, and the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences. David L. "Maxim" Gorski, the new chief of University police, sees Death Wish 15 times and shoots seven students bicycling in the Yard through the knees. "Dave has a lot to learn about how we do things at Harvard," Robert Tonis, Gorski's predecessor, comments.

To celebrate Halloween, Bok dresses up as Kingman Brewster and announces that there is no money to continue building the Pusey Library. "The only point of it was to name something after Nate," Bok says. "Now, instead of the Nathan M. Pusey Library, it'll just be the Nathan M. Pusey Hole In The Ground." In another effort to save money, Bok cancels all classes.

November