Louis E. Martin, director of the Harvard College Library, sees Death Wish eight times and gouges out the eyes of 23 students with overdue library books. "If they won't let others read them, they won't read them either," he remarks. Two hundred fifty thousand miners and Martin are laid off.

I.M. Pei, architect of Boston's John Hancock Building, submits a new design for the John F. Kennedy Memorial Library, without windows. The Environmental Protection Agency takes it under advisement, but Stephen S.J. Hall files a protest. "We already ordered nine-track windows," Hall quips. "Now I'll have to lay off all the window-washers." In a hastily called press conference Bok tells Hall to "shut up."

May

To celebrate May Day, Bok eats dinner with Wendell Furry, professor of Physics, and lays off all women employed at Harvard. "I take this action out of respect for the time-honored tradition of good labor relations," Bok says. "Last hired, first fired," "Back to the bedroom," F. Skiddy von Stade '38, master of Mather House, chuckles.

Jean Mayer, professor of Nutrition, expresses anger at student opposition to meatless days, and orders the Food Services Department to serve turkey tetrazzini every day for a month, "to break them." Half a million teamsters and Mayer are laid off. Bok announces that Sen. Peter I. Dominick (R-Colo.), "an expert on Third World nutrition," will fill Mayer's chair.

The Rev. Sun Myung Moon buys the Divinity School.

June

In a first trial of Martin Peretz's new program of investigative reporting, an Independent editor discovers Archie C. Epps III, dean of Students, working, three months after Bok laid off all blacks. "They never noticed me before," Epps moans. "We had a beautiful relationship: I didn't bother Harvard, and it didn't bother me." Peretz awards himself a Pulitzer prize. "Liberals like myself excel at investigative reporting," he comments.

In a televised symposium on the 18 per cent unemployment rate, Bok modifies his previous position. "If you went to Whittier College in Whittier, Calif., you might have to worry about a job," Bok says, "but here at Harvard you have nothing to worry about." Accepting the Harvard Republican Club's Charles Manson Award for Mass Murder, former President Richard M. Nixon announces his simultaneous retirement from politics and organized crime. Nixon stops by the Coop to autograph copies of his memoirs, Requiem for a Dike Bomber.

Martin Bormann, last-minute stand-in as Class Day speaker for Henry A. Kissinger '50, is met by 9000 demonstrators organized by the New American Movement. As the protesters chant, "Martin Bormann, you can't hide: you've committed genocide," Bormann slips by them unnoticed.

The Palestine Liberation Organization buys the John F. Kennedy School of Government.

July

As the national unemployment rate reaches 24 per cent, President Ford announces that "Prosperity is just around the...uh..." but quickly recovers, calling for "a turkey tetrazzini in every pot." Bok lays off all teaching fellows, Native Americans, professors with foreign accents, and "to be fair," Harvard employees with Spanish surnames.

Richard J. Herrnstein, professor of Psychology, sees The Godfather 11 times and and wakes up with a bloody pigeon's head under his pillow. Bok sees The Godfather II 18 times and lays off all Italians. "I tried laying off the Scotch also," Bok explains, "but beer makes me gain weight, and it's bad for my image."

The Federal Bureau of Investigation cracks open the case of the Fogg Museum ancient coin robbery. "It suddenly came to me why someone would want an ancient coin," Clarence Kelley, FBI director, says. "Then it was just a matter of finding an ancient vending machine."