President Gerald Ford, in his first address to the nation, announces that he is not President Bok. "I've never even been dean of a law school," Ford quips.

Stephen S.J. Hall, tired of student jokes that because of his preoccupation with automation and efficiency he may only be a computer, ends his career by short-circuiting two wires in his forehead.

AUGUST

Passing over three well-known Marxist economists, including two black women, the Economics Department grants tenure to the Guru Maharaj Ji. Department Chairman James S. Duesenberry announces that the Guru will teach Economics 1010c, "Microeconomics and Macrobiotics," and Social Sciences 96ts, "Who Is Guru Maharaj Ji?"

Former New York Gov. Nelson A. Rockefeller announces that as a public service to the nation, he is organizing a National Commission to Make Me President If I Decide I Want to Run. Rockefeller also declares that Standard Oil will boycott the United States. Japan, Western Europe, and Harvard if President Ford fails to offer him a cabinet position.

President Bok announces that "in keeping with Harvard's long-standing sensitive commitment to Afro-American scholarship." he has requested that Lamont Library order three new copies of Up from Slavery and asked W. Burriss Young, associate dean of freshmen, to organize an Amos 'n Andy film festival in the Straus Common Room.

Construction begins again on the Nathan Marsh Pusey Library after a Buildings and Grounds maintenance man discovers that the floors underground have been installed upside down. "They told me to walk down three flights to clean the skylight on the floor!" the workman reports.

SEPTEMBER

The English Department appoints Julia Child its guest lecturer for the fall to teach a course on St. Augustine's Confections, Virginia Woolf's Legume of One's Own, and The Bread Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway.

Walter J. Leonard, special assistant to the president, announces a new "open hiring plan" under Harvard's affirmative action program. "We will hire any woman who applies as long as she is a man," Leonard reports.

Four hundred and twenty biology majors enroll in Guru Maharaj Ji's Soc Sci course after "Required for premies" is misprinted in the catalogue as, "Required for premeds."

The Overseers announce that in honor of his first ten years in the administration, Archie C. Epps III, dean of students, will finally be permitted to make a decision.

David Halberstam returns to Cambridge to push his latest best-seller, a new way to determine if you have lung cancer or cataracts, entitled The Chest and the Eye Test.

OCTOBER

Burglars enter the home of Robert Tonis, chief of Harvard police, while the chief is leading a sensitivity session for rookie policemen. In hopes of updating its image, Harvard Magazine is changing its name to My Weekly Reader, John T. Bethell, editor of the magazine, announces.