In return for a free subscription to the CRIMSON for the coming year, the priestess of the oracle at Delphi has sent us by registered mail the following predictions for 1964:
JANUARY
Appearing in Western-style dress to give his State-of-the-Union message to Congress, President Johnson urges that the moon be renamed "Kennedy" and then invites all legislators and their wives to a "real slambang" pit barbecue on the White House Lawn. The Bell Telephone Company announces that five-digit postal ZIP codes will be substituted for three-digit area codes "in order to lessen the number of codes a person must remember."
The Harvard University Press sends a letter to all retail book stores authorizing a reduction in price to thirty-nine cents for President Pusey's Age of the Scholar "as a means of increasing sales of this timely book." Discovery of the inscription "Guaranteed Puncture-Proof" on a piece of liver served in the Lowell House Dining Hall sparks a University investigation of Central Kitchens practices.
FEBRUARY
Dean Sert reveals plans for the tenth House: a sixteen-story windowless inverted pyramid "gaily painted with colors reflecting the spirit of our times." Refuting charges of structural instability, Sert points out that "even the ancients knew the triangle was the most stable geometric form, and my pyramid will contain many triangles."
In an unprecedented move, Pope Paul VI flies to Johnson City, Texas, to visit President Johnson at the LBJ ranch. To his evident enjoyment the entire Johnson family welcomes him to a barbecue with a chorus of "Deep in the Heart of Texas" sung in Latin. In New York, Richard Nixon holds a press conference to announce his selection of a staff of advisers "who will help me formulate plans to avoid becoming a candidate for public office."
MARCH
Senator Barry Goldwater, a declared candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, comes out in favor of selling the armed forces to a private corporation. "Then, if the Federal government so desires, it can rent troops and equipment from the new owners," he explains.
In a letter to the parents of undergraduates, Dustin M. Burke '54, Director of Student Employment praises as "a boon to underprivileged students" the new Harvard Student Agencies Tutoring School. A CRIMSON editorial pointing out that the University banned tutoring schools in 1940 draws a fiery reply from Dean Monro, who accuses the paper of "continued unfounded badgering of the HSA and yellow journalistic tactics."
Attempting to promote sales of President Pusey's Age of the Scholar, the Harvard Cooperative Society advertises a "special fifteen percent patronage refund on cash purchases of this timely work."
APRIL
At a speech opening the New York World's Fair, Governor Nelson Rockefeller suggests sarcastically that Senator Goldwater might like to buy up the armed forces himself and use them "to subjugate the emerging nations of Asia and Africa." Apparently missing the sarcasm, sixteen Asian and African nations close their pavilions and withdraw their delegations.
In a precedent-shattering move, Pope Paul VI jets to Kennedy International Airport in order to open the Vatican Pavilion, but when his limousine is delayed in traffic, Richard Cardinal Cushing, Archbishop of Boston, presides in his stead. Richard Nixon, pausing to chat with reporters at the opening of the Nixon Pavilion, hints that his personal advisory staff is drafting a final report.
The President and Fellows of Harvard College narrowly escape serious injury when the Harvard University Pavilion, designed by Dean Sert as a miniature version of the tenth House, topples over during the opening ceremonies.
