In return for a free subscription to the CRIMSON for the coming year, the priestess of the oracle at Delphi has sent us by registered mail the following predictions for 1964:
JANUARY
Appearing in Western-style dress to give his State-of-the-Union message to Congress, President Johnson urges that the moon be renamed "Kennedy" and then invites all legislators and their wives to a "real slambang" pit barbecue on the White House Lawn. The Bell Telephone Company announces that five-digit postal ZIP codes will be substituted for three-digit area codes "in order to lessen the number of codes a person must remember."
The Harvard University Press sends a letter to all retail book stores authorizing a reduction in price to thirty-nine cents for President Pusey's Age of the Scholar "as a means of increasing sales of this timely book." Discovery of the inscription "Guaranteed Puncture-Proof" on a piece of liver served in the Lowell House Dining Hall sparks a University investigation of Central Kitchens practices.
FEBRUARY
Dean Sert reveals plans for the tenth House: a sixteen-story windowless inverted pyramid "gaily painted with colors reflecting the spirit of our times." Refuting charges of structural instability, Sert points out that "even the ancients knew the triangle was the most stable geometric form, and my pyramid will contain many triangles."
In an unprecedented move, Pope Paul VI flies to Johnson City, Texas, to visit President Johnson at the LBJ ranch. To his evident enjoyment the entire Johnson family welcomes him to a barbecue with a chorus of "Deep in the Heart of Texas" sung in Latin. In New York, Richard Nixon holds a press conference to announce his selection of a staff of advisers "who will help me formulate plans to avoid becoming a candidate for public office."
MARCH
Senator Barry Goldwater, a declared candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, comes out in favor of selling the armed forces to a private corporation. "Then, if the Federal government so desires, it can rent troops and equipment from the new owners," he explains.
In a letter to the parents of undergraduates, Dustin M. Burke '54, Director of Student Employment praises as "a boon to underprivileged students" the new Harvard Student Agencies Tutoring School. A CRIMSON editorial pointing out that the University banned tutoring schools in 1940 draws a fiery reply from Dean Monro, who accuses the paper of "continued unfounded badgering of the HSA and yellow journalistic tactics."
Attempting to promote sales of President Pusey's Age of the Scholar, the Harvard Cooperative Society advertises a "special fifteen percent patronage refund on cash purchases of this timely work."
APRIL
At a speech opening the New York World's Fair, Governor Nelson Rockefeller suggests sarcastically that Senator Goldwater might like to buy up the armed forces himself and use them "to subjugate the emerging nations of Asia and Africa." Apparently missing the sarcasm, sixteen Asian and African nations close their pavilions and withdraw their delegations.
In a precedent-shattering move, Pope Paul VI jets to Kennedy International Airport in order to open the Vatican Pavilion, but when his limousine is delayed in traffic, Richard Cardinal Cushing, Archbishop of Boston, presides in his stead. Richard Nixon, pausing to chat with reporters at the opening of the Nixon Pavilion, hints that his personal advisory staff is drafting a final report.
The President and Fellows of Harvard College narrowly escape serious injury when the Harvard University Pavilion, designed by Dean Sert as a miniature version of the tenth House, topples over during the opening ceremonies.
MAY
Alarmed at growing rumors among undergraduates that Johnson's Glo-Coat Floor Wax will induce mystic visions if it is heated and its fumes inhaled, Dana Farns worth and Dean Monro issue a stern warning against "this new form of sin." The Postmaster-General announces the discontinuation of the ZIP code system "because our own employees cannot learn it." Bell Telephone, having just completed the nationwide substitution of ZIP codes for area codes is reported annoyed" but says it is confident its employees can learn five simple numbers.
JUNE
President Pusey is reportedly "disturbed" by the resignations of five senior members of the Government department who have accepted posts at Southwest State Teachers College in Texas. One of the group tells a reporter that "Southwest State seems to us an up-and-coming institution."
The Doty Committee on General Education issues a statement reading, "We are deadlocked, no report in sight," and appeals to the Harvard Council on Undergraduate Affairs for help. The chairman of the HCUA agrees to arbitrate, commenting, "This is a grave responsibility."
In Independence, Missouri, former President Harry S Truman reveals that Harvard has offered him an honorary degree. He adds, "I'd really love to accept it, but, unfortunately, Southwest State Teachers College is giving me one on the same day."
JULY
The Harvard University Press says it is "astounded" to learn that the Office of National Security has ordered the purchase of all existing copies of Age of the Scholar "for free distribution in Indonesia and Thailand." Asked why the book is being sent to non-English speaking countries, McGeorge Bundy, Director of the Office, replies tersely, "The reason is obvious to me."
Margaret Chase Smith, Republican presidential nominee by acclamation, surprises the convention in San Francisco by asking for Barry Goldwater to be her running mate. Goldwater accepts, saying, "I am convinced that the youth of the country want me to take the position." President Johnson, also nominated by acclamation, leaves the choice of a running mate up to the convention, and says he is "pleased as punch" at the selection of Governor George Wallace, who, he thinks, "will sure steal the thunder from those two Republicans."
AUGUST
The Harvard Corporation announces that on the recommendation of Jose Luis Sert, Dean of the School of Design, it has commissioned architects Sert, Jackson, and Gourley to construct the tenth House in the form of a "windowless inverted pyramid." Sert applauds the Corporation on its "forward vision," adding, "I see no conflict of interest in my position."
Despite protests from College and civic groups the Metropolitan District Commission begins removal of sycamore trees along Memorial Drive preparatory to building a "futuristic underpass" in front of Eliot House. "We live in an age of progress," says one commissioner.
SEPTEMBER
At the invitation of French President Charles de Gaulle, Pope Paul VI prepares to move the Holy See "to a small city in southeast France," the first Pope to do so since the Fourteenth Centry. "We do not see why we should be bound by precedent," Pope Paul explains.
After removing all of the sycamore trees along Memorial Drive, the MDC decides to abandon its plans for an underpass, and promises to plant "as many sturdy saplings as we can afford" to beautify the drive. "We live in an age of progress," says one commissioner.
OCTOBER
President Pusey "accepts with regret" the resignation of Dean Monro, who has been named the new president of Southwest State Teachers College. Announcing that he will become acting Dean of the College, Mr. Pusey comments, "I'd like to find out what's really happening in the College." As a Hallowe'en boax, the Lampoon distributes a parody of the Harvard Lampoon, which is, however, instantly spotted as a fake because, as one student says, "it was funny."
NOVEMBER
Johnson and Wallace sweep to victory at the polls. Margaret Chase Smith, in tears, promises to carry on the fight for the women of America. Goldwater says simply. "I am convinced the youth of America want me."
On a warm Thursday night, thousands of Harvard men turn out for an Architecture Riot to protest the design of the tenth House. The vibrations of so many people running through the streets cause the giant steel framework of the Sert pyramid to topple into the Charles.
DECEMBER
Charles de Gaulle is said to be "irked" by attempts of President Johnson to lure Pope Paul VI and the Holy See to Johnson City, Texas. Johnson refuses to comment but announces an executive order directing the Bell Telephone Company to drop ZIP codes "because I can't remember them." Richard Nixon calls a press conference to disclose the report of his advisory staff. Its conclusion, he says, is that "I should not become a candidate for public office."
President Pusey, inspired by his experience as acting Dean of the College, says he is writing a book of "advice to undergraduates in this troubled age." The Harvard University Press declines comment.
