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Raise your hand if you read about the Louvre Heist and thought that you could do the same. Everyone’s up? Now imagine if it were held on Harvard’s campus. Everyone’s hands should be down.

Harvard is no stranger to thefts of grand magnitudes, like the exploits of the infamous Widener Gutenberg thief, the Fogg Museum’s coin thieves, the mastermind(s) of the Adams House break-ins, and that person who stole Carly’s Owala water bottle at the career fair (reveal yourself, please). But over the years, Harvard has implemented many measures to make its campus impervious to all thieves, even the Louvre looters. Don’t believe us? Well, here’s the proof:

1. Dhall Staff

Nobody takes security regulations as seriously as Harvard dhall staff. It doesn’t matter if you’re a reallyyyy hungry Quadling between classes before 1 p.m., or if you’re really craving an extra pack of Oreos in the FlyBy line — the HUDS workers will crack down on you. We have full confidence that if these thieves attempted a heist at Harvard on a Thursday during House community night, there would be no tale to tell. They would never even be able to get in to begin with, let alone leave with anything (and we aren’t quite sure they would want to steal anything anyway…).

2. Okta Two-Factor Authentication

This souped-up security feature will suspect identity theft even if you are the genuine user, which definitely proves that Harvard’s cybersecurity is top-notch when it comes to user impersonation. If a thief tried to steal emails or request access to forbidden information? They would be stopped at the very first push notification.

3. PassioGO!

AKA the most unreliable app on campus. The shuttle is quite literally never coming when this app says it is. If the thieves were planning to escape via shuttle, chances are they would have been left high and dry in broad daylight, waiting on Mass. Ave. The capriciousness of the Crimson Cruiser would be just enough to send our bold would-be bandits on a cruise in a police car.

4. Turkeys in the Yard

Unless your amygdala is the size of a pea*, we can agree that the turkeys in the Yard are absolutely terrifying. They not only refuse to move out of your way, but they will challenge you for space on the sidewalk. The confidence of these hulking feathered fiends would stop any thief in their tracks without a doubt. And probably cause them to drop an extra crown.

*Which, to be fair, is not all that much smaller than the size of a typical amygdala.

5. The Gates

We can never plan our own exit from the Yard without being stopped by all of our favorite gates being closed, so we can confidently say that the same would happen to the naive Louvre thieves. Planning their escape would have to account for an extra five minutes of rerouting to Widener gate because, for some reason, Harvard believes that this is the only gate worth keeping open at all times. Justice for the gate connecting directly to the Smith Center.

6. Tourists in front of John Harvard

Ah, the greatest form of a human blockade: tourists and aspiring high schoolers waiting for a photograph in front of the wonderful Statue of Three Lies. This mass of people creates a blockade that consistently has made us late for class more times than we can count. If the thieves were ever trying to make a run for it (towards Widener gate, per my last point), they would be caught in the act as tourists snap their photos. Perfect evidence of the crime.

7. The Recentering of Academics

We all have seen that Harvard is passionate about recentering academics — having students spend more time in the classroom, less on extracurricular activities. The thieves were used to getting their attendance points from a classmate’s sharing of PollEVs, but now they actually have to be physically in class to get their credit? There would be no time for the Louvre thieves to even plan their heist… they’d be stuck in the clutches of Science Center Hall B.

8. Scooter Thieves

Even if the thieves were able to pull off a heist, there’s one last thing that would foil their plans. Unfortunately, thieves are still susceptible to other thieves, and without James Bond-worthy U-locks, there is a 100% chance a sneaky peer would steal their getaway scooters. What can we say? There’s always a bigger fish.

And with that, we can all see that Harvard is truly un-heist-able. Next time you find yourself getting any ideas, stop there and remember not to get ahead of yourself — or reorient your schemes toward any fair where there are tons of free stuff up for grabs.