While Harvard stopped providing its students with build-your-own bomb shelters and an inescapable sense of dread decades ago, at least one Cold War relic has stuck around: the red phone. These crimson clunkers, lovingly placed in each room by Dorm Crew at the start of the year, go tragically underused. Luckily, we’ve come up with a few ways to warm up to your hotline.

{shortcode-5dbfac0a085178e9856221deb65c2429a66e24c8}1. Cockroach bludgeon. Pest problem? Smash away, but be careful: like a matador’s cape, waving the red phone around too much may further aggravate your roaches.

{shortcode-71cb495ba13952e58d9085c81d30efd878d219bb}2. Double-sided spoon. Forgot to Annenburgle some silverware to go with those Frosted Mini Spooners? Your iPhone can't hold cereal like this.

{shortcode-5756a6aa5811e4811faf95684edaaeb31229d343}3. An avant-garde accessory. It’s a real conversation piece.

{shortcode-c09a80728d20f14c9a3936b55488f6d336cc63c8}4. Souvenir. Seniors, the red phone makes a great memento of your time at Harvard! Plus, you can pick up the line from anywhere in the world and hear HUPD demanding that you return it immediately.

{shortcode-ec4a28f59f8d65cdfbd7ca6df815fe8421d06b44}5. Shower mic. Put down that bottle of shampoo, grab your red phone receiver, and belt out "Pocket Full of Sunshine" like you're at TD Garden and not in a three-square-foot stall. Note: do not plug the red phone in. 

{shortcode-8ae3178e6a3ad1d6955b20cea42bc3e85b67c8ad}6. Emergency health care. Sick between the hours of 10:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.? Give triage a try – the red phone can get you (exactly none of) the help you need.