While Harvard stopped providing its students with build-your-own bomb shelters and an inescapable sense of dread decades ago, at least one Cold War relic has stuck around: the red phone. These crimson clunkers, lovingly placed in each room by Dorm Crew at the start of the year, go tragically underused. Luckily, we’ve come up with a few ways to warm up to your hotline.

{shortcode-0674f2b39ba89881c2113cf1320881a57c4d22ec}1. Cockroach bludgeon. Pest problem? Smash away, but be careful: like a matador’s cape, waving the red phone around too much may further aggravate your roaches.

{shortcode-3145e032c0d399dbbf875f78215e98496b564735}2. Double-sided spoon. Forgot to Annenburgle some silverware to go with those Frosted Mini Spooners? Your iPhone can't hold cereal like this.

{shortcode-cec13a5a9d2c4320a5bf3fb116de3efd0191a31d}3. An avant-garde accessory. It’s a real conversation piece.

{shortcode-8d1e31806410c0b4570c4d37804c544868b5b15c}4. Souvenir. Seniors, the red phone makes a great memento of your time at Harvard! Plus, you can pick up the line from anywhere in the world and hear HUPD demanding that you return it immediately.

{shortcode-39b60d132828314eae886a840694e8ef2ca8feb9}5. Shower mic. Put down that bottle of shampoo, grab your red phone receiver, and belt out "Pocket Full of Sunshine" like you're at TD Garden and not in a three-square-foot stall. Note: do not plug the red phone in. 

{shortcode-85698dfa35ce5f421c8e40c2a547075bc7b60649}6. Emergency health care. Sick between the hours of 10:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.? Give triage a try – the red phone can get you (exactly none of) the help you need.