While Harvard stopped providing its students with build-your-own bomb shelters and an inescapable sense of dread decades ago, at least one Cold War relic has stuck around: the red phone. These crimson clunkers, lovingly placed in each room by Dorm Crew at the start of the year, go tragically underused. Luckily, we’ve come up with a few ways to warm up to your hotline.

{shortcode-aa77102113127d614cc2966047f49cc7efee4773}1. Cockroach bludgeon. Pest problem? Smash away, but be careful: like a matador’s cape, waving the red phone around too much may further aggravate your roaches.

{shortcode-66e0add86ac963b5d8efaf0177f2525325d9397b}2. Double-sided spoon. Forgot to Annenburgle some silverware to go with those Frosted Mini Spooners? Your iPhone can't hold cereal like this.

{shortcode-b5a93b66d7008855cc1cb8c9eaa9140832e58cd3}3. An avant-garde accessory. It’s a real conversation piece.

{shortcode-d053fac4b539fcd1c960a8e2f26dcd84b10bca15}4. Souvenir. Seniors, the red phone makes a great memento of your time at Harvard! Plus, you can pick up the line from anywhere in the world and hear HUPD demanding that you return it immediately.

{shortcode-2210fb7f245711df265f50638041b8d723a1aa12}5. Shower mic. Put down that bottle of shampoo, grab your red phone receiver, and belt out "Pocket Full of Sunshine" like you're at TD Garden and not in a three-square-foot stall. Note: do not plug the red phone in. 

{shortcode-d32fd57b486c8c4042a8da9103f2d4e9643da37d}6. Emergency health care. Sick between the hours of 10:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.? Give triage a try – the red phone can get you (exactly none of) the help you need.