One culinary question you'll never hear debated is where in the United States to go for a bagel. The supremacy of the New York bagel is a closed case—an accepted tenet of foodie-ism that is about as up for discussion as Avogadro's number.

After I decided to come to Harvard, my mom bought me an enormous winter coat. But I was less concerned about Cambridge winters than I was about the prospect of being out of reach of a decent bagel. I went my entire first semester at college without attempting to fill the void. But positive experiences with Cambridge sushi and Cambridge pizza gave me a ray of hope. This week, Connie and I attempted to do the impossible: find a bagel worth eating within walking distance of Harvard Yard.

JP Licks: Let's get one thing straight—thank God JP Licks makes ice cream. After the first bite of our cinnamon raisin bagel, it was all we could do not to demand we be given back each of our 109 cents. Why? A near twin to the stiff, rounded bread they're serving up is available for free at Annenberg. Actually, it is an insult to d-hall bagels to claim that this attempt was d-hall quality. It wasn't. Sinking our teeth into the dryness of the bagel was an experience so devoid of poetry it doesn't deserve a simile. Happily, our suffering was short-lived: we shuffled out the door, careful to avoid making eye contact with the cashier who had eyed us suspiciously as we made faces at our food.

VERDICT: It goes without saying, we crowned no bagel baron at this establishment.

Gato Rojo: We asked the barista where they got their bagels (Danish Pastry Company). Maybe we should have asked where they bought their toaster. The plain bagel we were served was a little on the dry side, and very thin by bagel standards, but oh my, what a toast! For a moment we were almost fooled into believing we had uncovered a superior product.

VERDICT: Maybe one's best option is horizontal integration: buy your bagel at a worthier venue (to be revealed); migrate to Gato for the toast. Otherwise, save your dollar—or invest in a pot of Gato tea!

Annenberg: Early Wednesday morning, we went back to our roots and sampled an Annenberg bagel. We like to call it a stomach filler: the breakfast equivalent of the plain pasta that has taken up permanent residence on the "Love Your Heart" menu. And unlike at Gato Rojo, there is no magical toaster to redeem the sub-par product. But hey, if you jockey for a slot in the Annenberg toaster, you can at least say you had a hot breakfast. Not to mention a free one.

VERDICT: Just ok.

Panera/ABP: We took a stab at the age-old question: what actually differentiates Panera from ABP? Well, we're stumped. Other than the fact that one plays elevator music at a significantly louder volume (Panera, this is not a club, turn it down), the chain cafés appear to be one and the same, particularly when it comes to bagels.

VERDICT: That's right. The bagels we sampled at both establishments tasted exactly the same. The asiago cheese bagel we picked up at Panera ($2.25 with cream cheese) was just more expensive than the $1.27 investment we made in the ABP jalapeno and cheese bagel.

Crema Café: Crema Café, an eatery better known for its pastries, took the proverbial cake. At $2.80 a pop (cream cheese included), this is the priciest option. However, for those stricken with a case of the bagel blues, it is a worthy investment. This bagel is as close an approximation of the classic New York bagel you're going to get on this side of the Hudson. It boasts a fluffy texture, and just the right level of chewiness. The morning we stopped by, the bagel-of-the-day was of the "everything" persuasion. (You might say it meant "everything" to us). Fair play, maybe not, but the oniony accouterments lent this particular contender an aroma and an added flavor which ensured that, when we returned the remnants to our brown bagel bag, it was the most decrepit among the survivors.

VERDICT: The best in the Square.