DARTMOUTH AT CORNELL

These two schools share much in common: destitute locales, rowdy student bodies, and a commitment to playing one good weekend of basketball an Ivy League season. The journalism cognoscenti of the two schools have an interesting habit of eschewing midweek analysis of their school’s basketball team to comment on professional sports. From the depths of this week’s articles comes the hard-hitting analyses of Kevin Love (“I don’t like the guy”) and Buddy Hield (“the dude is absolutely sick”).

What’s the saying… “if it ain’t broke, it should be”?

Pick: Cornell

YALE AT PRINCETON

While the defining trait of these two teams is how much they hate Harvard, the schools have a special rivalry in their own right. Their annual football game, a sweater vest and Brooks Brothers affair if there ever was one, is the second-longest running rivalry in the country with its share of high points. The two schools have combined for 35 national titles, tops among any rivalry, and ruled the league before the rise of Harvard and Penn. Princeton’s 65-yard drop-kick to win the 1882 game remains an iconic moment in history, if not only to serve as evidence for the theory that before the forward pass came along, kickers pulled more than quarterbacks.

While it’s been icy—past Yale football players have called Princeton their biggest rival—the most profane airing of sparks happened in November, when Princeton freshman Sam Bellet, a self-proclaimed future student of “Men’s and Women’s Studies,” slammed air quotes around the world rivalry and echoed his inner Donald Trump in saying that “Princeton has had one of the most successful Halloweens in Halloween history whereas Yale can’t even decide what costume to put on.”

Howard, I do worry about these youth.

Pick: Princeton

BROWN AT PENN

This week’s journalism award goes to The Daily Pennsylvanian’s Round-Up column, a Wednesday reminder of teenage exceptionalism. From this week’s edition comes the tale of a frat brother who—absent a place to properly urinate—chugged a handle and relieved himself in trying to fill it to the brim. “Do what you gotta do” has rarely seemed like such bad advice.

Pick: Penn

BROWN AT PRINCETON

Oof.

Pick: Princeton