CORNELL AT COLUMBIA
Jay-Z vs. Nas. Pizza vs. Bagels. Dodgers vs. Yankees. Aaron Burr vs Alexander Hamilton. Spiderman: Turn off the Dark vs. critics.
Over the years, there have been hundreds of great New York rivalries. This is not one of them. Cornell is bad at football, and Columbia is worse.
But by the way, Columbia, I owe you an apology. Last week, I wrote about 1,000 words on how terrible you were, but to your credit, you proved me wrong. Looking back at last week’s column, I’m embarrassed to see how poorly I assessed your team. I picked a 42-0 Harvard victory, and that turned out to only be the score at halftime! Boy, what was I thinking? Somehow, as far as Lions go, you managed to hold up worse on Saturday than Mufasa did against Scar and the Cowardly Lion did against life.
So what went wrong? When writing, I heeded the famous advice of Kirk Lazarus in Tropic Thunder: “You never go full Koenig.” Simply put, I was too nice, and I ended up overrating you. But it won’t happen again. Next time, Columbia, I’ll go full Koenig. Because you’re right, you really are that bad.
Pick: Cornell 56, Columbia 17
BROWN AT DARTMOUTH
Someone call The Jeffersons, because the Big Green is moving on up! Yes, Dartmouth continued its recent-year ascent on the Ivy League ladder with a very impressive 31-14 win over the Big Red in Ithaca last week (by the way, how can colors be big?). Dominick Pierre, who has turned into a star, collected 154 yards on the ground while Dartmouth’s defense made Jeff Mathews seem more out of his element than Donnie in The Big Lebowski.
The Big Green now sits in third place in the Ancient Eight and its five wins in eight games this season has equaled the amount its basketball program won in 30 last year.
So kudos to you, Dartmouth. But I think Brown—whose only Ivy losses have come to Harvard, Princeton, and Good Penn—is a slightly better team.
Pick: Brown 24, Dartmouth 21
HARVARD AT PENN
Simply put, it’s Harvard’s year.
And just like in last year’s de-facto Ivy title game between the two teams, the Crimson will show it on the field.
So prepare yourself, Tim Murphy. The Gatorade shower is coming.
Pick: Harvard 35, Penn 13
—Staff writer Scott A. Sherman can be reached at ssherman13@college.harvard.edu.