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If there’s a hill I’m going to die on, one thing is certain: That hill will be composed of the sheer amount of minutes of my life I have spent listening to Radiohead’s crowning achievement, “Creep.” “Creep” isn’t just any old, alternative, self-pitying song. No — it is the poster child for self-indulging hatred, the source behind every box of black hair dye. However, the most beautiful thing about “Creep” is how it has transcended the genre of alternative rock. Somewhere along the way, people stopped hearing the lyrics of “Creep” and began to accept the beautiful, beautiful heart buried deep within. If you know me, you know I have long harbored a dedication to the song, but it is time to put this aspect of my character to rest. This will therefore be my final time writing publicly about “Creep” by Radiohead. In honor of this monumental life transition, I have compiled four historical moments that I think would’ve benefited from “Creep” playing in the background.

1) The Moon Landing

We all know about this event, when Neil Armstrong and company successfully commandeered the Apollo 11, making America the first country to land on the moon in history. We also all know about the — somewhat mocking — obsession some have over whether or not this historical moment was a conspiracy: take the 74th Hasty Pudding Theatricals show or the First Year Arts Program’s 28th pageant. However, what we don’t know is how the narrative would have been shifted if news outlets had dubbed “Creep” by Radiohead over Armstrong’s first steps. Who would’ve doubted the truth of the media if Thom Yorke, the band’s lead singer, had been serenading them about being a social outcast? “What the hell” was Thom Yorke doing at the party? “What the hell” was America doing so far from home? Unfortunately, because “Creep” did not accompany the footage, it is difficult to deny that the moon landing was probably just a Hollywood set. Good job, Hasty Pudding — you got this one right.

2) The Last Day of the Mayan Calendar

When faced with an apocalypse, there should be only one thing on the human consciousness: “Creep” by Radiohead. And we did face the apocalypse, for a moment, about a decade ago: the end date of the Mayan Calendar. The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, which is hypothesized to have been created on August 11, 3114 BCE, ended its 5,126-year-long cycle on Dec. 12, 2012. Unsurprisingly, this eerie end to a calendar thousands of years long caused apocalyptic panic among many global citizens. And what better song to accompany an intense dread of the end of the world than “Creep” by Radiohead? After all, nobody was going to belong here if the world ended suddenly on Dec. 12, 2012. Civilization “floating like a feather from this beautiful world.”

3) The Great Recession of 2008

When the economy tanked in the late 2000s, people were sad. Do you know what song people listen to when they’re sad? “Creep,” by Radiohead. Oh, the global economy has lost $2 trillion? United States home mortgage debt has increased from a 46% to 73% average? Banks have entered crisis mode? None of this compares to Thom Yorke’s heartfelt longing for “control,” “a perfect body,” and “a perfect soul.” “Creep” supplies an emotional pain to the economic pain of 2008. This masterpiece would have reminded the finance-minded citizens of the late 2000s that not only were they experiencing the worst economic decline since the Great Depression, but they were also sad. Had “Creep” been blasted from every speaker during the entirety of 2008, then maybe people would’ve remembered that we can feel not only financially but also emotionally insecure in our slow march towards death.

4) The Hundred Years’ War

In order to approach the sheer amount of hours I have spent listening to and reciting “Creep” by Radiohead, one would have to play the soundtrack on every battlefield in every armed conflict throughout the entirety of the Hundred Years’ War between England and France from 1337 through 1453. Is this an exaggeration? Yes. Does it also use embellishment to prove an important data point on my Spotify wrapped? Also yes. The Hundred Years’ war was made up of a series of conflicts between Late Middle Age England and France, as England made its futile attempt for succession to the French throne. “Creep” would have been the perfect century-long continuous battle mantra for England in these trying times, if only it weren’t for the lack of digitized music in the Middle Ages. After all, all England really wanted was France’s beautiful world. France was special, she ran out the door — and so maybe, just maybe, England is the biggest creep of all.

—For all inquiries on how to obtain a perfect body and a perfect soul, incoming TV Executive Dylan R. Ragas can be reached at dylan.ragas@thecrimson.com.