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At 5:59 pm EST in a brick building on the corner of Plympton Street, compers, staff writers, and the 151st executive Crimson Arts board flowed in and out of the Sanctum — ready to fight to the death for the chance to cover something in a meaningful way for a change. Clad in freshly delivered, Canva-designed CrimArts crewnecks, the writers put down their tote bags in search of a seat.
However, they were shocked at the sight that awaited them: The room, while filled with Trader Joe's boxed wine and ghost pepper chips, had no chairs.
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The ensuing investigation by The Crimson unearthed a multilayered controversy within the semi-secret Sorrento Square social organization better known by their moniker ‘CrimArts.’
In an interview with The Harvard Crimson, one film executive on scene, Brady M. Connolly ’25, spoke about the disappearance of said chairs. Donning a Patriots jersey in support of his fellow Brady — Tom — Brady was sitting on the ledge by the window when he screamed; “If I loaded a game on my computer right now, I would lose everything."
He seemed to be referring to the cold draft wafting around the room while his trusty MacBook Air wheezed in exhaustion on the ground, overwhelmed by the pressure of, yet again, editing Film’s slides last minute. When asked what could have led to the lack of seated arrangements, Connolly was uncertain: “Refresh! Refresh!” he begged, skillfully deflecting the matter at hand.
The Crimson next confronted an anonymous staff writer for her opinion on the debacle.
“Brady ran the marathon? That’s so unexpected,” she said.
It was at this point that the plot thickened.
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“Now I’m revoking your Crimson email address, you idiot. Have fun in prison!” responded Connolly, scurrying into the night to rewatch “80 for Brady” for the umpteenth time.
“The Crimson's gone soft. Literally," commented routinely-toe-losing music executive Jen A. Hughes ’24. Not one to hold her tongue, she quickly confirmed for any confused readers; “I still hate women!"
Her co-exec, Anna No Middle Initial Moiseieva ’25 seemed bothered but unsurprised by Hughes’s appraisal. When asked for comment she only said; “People have papers due. I am people.”
On the topic of people allegedly having things, recently returned from “being in Miami” Indesign EAL (the acronym’s derivation remains contested), Zachary J. Lech ’24, disagreed.
“Nothing is mine. I don't believe in property,” he replied. To which Moiseieva responded; "How very Marx of you."
Suddenly, a loud ruckus erupted in the back of the room. “Your straw is naked to the elements… how much can you really care about cleanliness?” remarked Millie Mae Healy ’24, a fellow unseated exec. Clutching an anatomically accurate crocheted birthing doll, Healy, albeit a bit odd, was not the culprit.
It was at this point that another suspect appeared on the scene. Thirty-minutes late due to “walking from the quad,” Charles W. McCormick ’24 came in with a suspiciously warm to-go container of buffalo mac-n-cheese. When questioned about his tardiness and culpability, McCormick wasn’t very forthcoming.
“I’m going to say something unhinged… [REDACTED]!” While The Crimson rarely keeps things off the record, our commitment to witness protection knows no limit. McCormick, despite his suspiciously entrancing blue eyes and penchant for being down for whatever, could not be found responsible.
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Unsure where to go from here, the chairs quickly remembered the most confrontational member of their board. With a penchant for getting into fights on X — the platform formerly known as Twitter — it would not be unreasonable for Samantha H. Chung’s (’25) anger to escape the virtual landscape. However, like the roads that came before, this presented another dead end.
Despite being nicknamed, “Killa,” Chung’s fanfiction-inspired ‘I can fix him’ tendencies remained her only discretion.
Fed up with the state of their investigation, the chairs were left with no choice but to investigate the rest of the building for clues. As always, News was talking.
Someone in the chairs’ direct line of command was left speechless by the recent events. All the advice they could offer was summed up in one sentence: “Do you guys have access to the style guide?”
As the designated proofers for the Arts board, the chairs were confused. Was this simply a case of oversight or a more nefarious deflection?
After noticing that their roommates, FM, were no longer proofing in the communal living space, the Chairs sought refuge in the Arts office. With the door ajar, Henry and Regassa were shocked to hear whispers from the newsroom.
“I’ll take care of Sellers.”
On this ominous note, Arts Chairs and soon to be Dinos Alisa S. Regassa ’24 and Anya L. Henry ’24 sat down — not literally — for an interview with The Harvard Crimson to discuss this peculiar case of missing chairs.
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ASR: It’s been a tough year. They always tell you to ‘do a cover if you want to do actual journalism.’ ‘No em-dashes allowed’ and all that. I mean I get it, admin is like a beast that must be tamed: Once you conquer it, it recognizes you as its master. But you have to remember that he was only seven when ‘Gangnam Style’ came out.
ALH: Psy?!
ASR: What I’m trying to say is that no one ever sits you down and tells you what you want to know. Like does arts ever publish things in a meaningful way? Who is Ryan S. Kim?
THC: Who stole the chairs from the chairs?
ALH: Exactly. It’s oddly on the nose, huh? We start the year off with no chairs, end with no chairs. When will we not have to drag bean bags and futons up these janky stairs for our meetings? I mean, I don’t mind the workout but I don’t know if our pitch meetings need to see my bicep pump. On that note —
ASR: We just want to thank our writers for writing as much as they did. Our compers for growing as much as they have. Our execs for fact-checking as hard as they do. They are the reason we do this in the first place. To see them smile, jest, and become better writers by the minute. And for the free concerts, of course.
ALH: It sounds cheesy, but Arts has always been and will always be about the people. Where else can I watch Alisa brag about using Firefox or get heated over Taylor Swift’s unjustifiable popularity? For the first time in three years, our Monday evenings will be free — and honestly, I’m kind of sad about it. Thanks for everything, everyone. Don’t miss us too much — we’ll probably be back soon.
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ASR: “You and me, rave when?”
ALH: "You and me, rave whenever."
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Artsluv,
Alisa S. Regassa and Anya L. Henry
—Outgoing Arts Chair Alisa S. Regassa can be reached at alisa.regassa@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter at @alisaregassa. Outgoing Arts Chair Anya L. Henry can be reached at anya.henry@thecrimson.com.
