Through this episode, it has come to light that JFK Jr. didn’t actually apply to Brown. He was actually in Africa while his mother wrote and submitted the application for him. Coincidentally, on Saturday, the Bears’ players will be wishing they were in Africa and their mothers on the field in place of them. In fact, if that were the case the team might actually post a better result.

In what has been a dumpster fire of a season, Brown has seen three bright spots: its two wins over non-conference teams and the fourth quarter performance against the Crimson. The problem with the wins against non-conference teams is that they mean less that the last recommendation from a Faculty Committee on Unrecognized Single Gender Social Organizations. And the problem with the fourth quarter dominance against Harvard is the Crimson was already up 36.

This game is the Ivy League equivalent of an undercard fight. Yeah, it happened. Yeah, no one really cares.

Penn, 45, Brown, 14

CORNELL AT PRINCETON

Cornell has a better home field advantage than most Ivy League teams. Ithaca, N.Y., is literally in the middle of nowhere. Basically what happens is you start driving. You hit some pleasant scenery and then you keep driving. The scenery continues. The driving continues, and continues, and continues, until look down and you’re out of gas and there’s not a station within 10 miles because you’re in the middle of nowhere. After rolling into the lone gas station, you return to driving.

Most opponents don’t actually make it to the field. They’re defeated by the drive up, mentally depleted by the incessant trees, hills, shabby highways, and just general nothingness. This week, however, the Big Red does not have this advantage.

But that’s not why Princeton is going to win. The Tigers will win because of sleep. No, seriously.

In the press conference following the Harvard win, Tigers coach Bob Surace stated that “We do a lot of scientific stuff with sleep.” Not having the chance to follow up, we can only speculate as to what this means. My guess is probably something to do with some sort of superhuman beta testing.

Watching Princeton play last week, that would be the only reasonable assumption. Its quarterback did not throw an incomplete pass in the entire first half. Its receivers matched his accuracy with the dexterity to break tackles. The Tigers looked just flat out dominant.

Cornell’s main advantage lies in stopping the run. Princeton doesn’t need to run.

Princeton, 54, Cornell, 21

COLUMBIA AT YALE

Columbia is the worst football program in the Ivy League. The Lions have never won an outright Ancient Eight title (the Crimson has eight) and have only ever earned a share of that crown once. That’s less than even Cornell, which is barely an Ivy.

The one shared title that the team did win came in 1961, and since then, Columbia has been almost invariably horrendous. Since 1956, it has either finished in last place or tied-for-last 30 times, which is probably hard to do.