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This is an awkward week to be a Harvard fan.

In order for the Crimson to have a shot at the top spot in the division, it needs two things: a perfect record from here on out, and for Columbia to lose two games. In addition to Harvard, Yale is the last remaining team on the Lions’ schedule that has a reasonable chance to topple the current number one team.

In effect, anyone who wants to see the Crimson with a share of the Ivy League crown should be cheering for the Bulldogs this week. Luckily for me, I am an unbiased reporter devoid of loyalty to any team. From that emptiness, my picks:

DARTMOUTH AT HARVARD

While Yale strips for one quarter of one game, once a year, Dartmouth takes nudity to the next level. Deep in the woods of Hanover, an entire underground organization is dedicated to the activity. The Thursday Night Streaking Club is, well, exactly what the name implies.

Speaking of streaks, the Crimson has won the last 12 games against its rural opponent. But if there was ever a year for that streak to be broken, this is it. The team already lost for the first time ever to Rhode Island and dropped its first matchup in 11 seasons to Cornell.

However, after last week’s loss to Princeton, Harvard has been harping on its fundamentals and will be looking for retribution in front of a friendly crowd this weekend.

Expect the Crimson to jump out early. Why? Because that’s just how Dartmouth likes to play. The team likes to keep things close. There has only been one game this season in which Dartmouth has won by more than three points. The game will probably go down to the wire.

That being said, Dartmouth starts with D, and so does defeat. Coincidence? I think not.

Harvard, 24, Dartmouth, 21.

PENN AT BROWN

Penn has been looking to the stars for its first win. Quite literally. Earlier this month, Quaker physicians helped to observe the collision of two dead stars. This weekend you can do the nearly same by taking a short trip to Providence, R.I., to watch this collision of these two dead, 0-3 teams.

Penn is better than its record would convey. It has lost only to three of the top teams in the conference and only by a combined 11 points. Now, the team is in the home stretch of the season and a quick win here will catalyze forward the resurgence of the Quaker football team.

The application of John F. Kennedy, Jr. to Brown is currently being auctioned online for $85,000. As the document was acquired by a cleaner on real estate of a Brown administrator, the university is currently suing the vendor—alleging stolen property—through a United States District Court in California to prevent the sale of the document.

Through this episode, it has come to light that JFK Jr. didn’t actually apply to Brown. He was actually in Africa while his mother wrote and submitted the application for him. Coincidentally, on Saturday, the Bears’ players will be wishing they were in Africa and their mothers on the field in place of them. In fact, if that were the case the team might actually post a better result.

In what has been a dumpster fire of a season, Brown has seen three bright spots: its two wins over non-conference teams and the fourth quarter performance against the Crimson. The problem with the wins against non-conference teams is that they mean less that the last recommendation from a Faculty Committee on Unrecognized Single Gender Social Organizations. And the problem with the fourth quarter dominance against Harvard is the Crimson was already up 36.

This game is the Ivy League equivalent of an undercard fight. Yeah, it happened. Yeah, no one really cares.

Penn, 45, Brown, 14

CORNELL AT PRINCETON

Cornell has a better home field advantage than most Ivy League teams. Ithaca, N.Y., is literally in the middle of nowhere. Basically what happens is you start driving. You hit some pleasant scenery and then you keep driving. The scenery continues. The driving continues, and continues, and continues, until look down and you’re out of gas and there’s not a station within 10 miles because you’re in the middle of nowhere. After rolling into the lone gas station, you return to driving.

Most opponents don’t actually make it to the field. They’re defeated by the drive up, mentally depleted by the incessant trees, hills, shabby highways, and just general nothingness. This week, however, the Big Red does not have this advantage.

But that’s not why Princeton is going to win. The Tigers will win because of sleep. No, seriously.

In the press conference following the Harvard win, Tigers coach Bob Surace stated that “We do a lot of scientific stuff with sleep.” Not having the chance to follow up, we can only speculate as to what this means. My guess is probably something to do with some sort of superhuman beta testing.

Watching Princeton play last week, that would be the only reasonable assumption. Its quarterback did not throw an incomplete pass in the entire first half. Its receivers matched his accuracy with the dexterity to break tackles. The Tigers looked just flat out dominant.

Cornell’s main advantage lies in stopping the run. Princeton doesn’t need to run.

Princeton, 54, Cornell, 21

COLUMBIA AT YALE

Columbia is the worst football program in the Ivy League. The Lions have never won an outright Ancient Eight title (the Crimson has eight) and have only ever earned a share of that crown once. That’s less than even Cornell, which is barely an Ivy.

The one shared title that the team did win came in 1961, and since then, Columbia has been almost invariably horrendous. Since 1956, it has either finished in last place or tied-for-last 30 times, which is probably hard to do.

But now the Lions are winning and no one is excited about it, especially not Columbia.

Quoted in a New York Times article, Jill Levey, a Columbia College graduate of 1988, said, “When my husband told me that Columbia had beaten Penn, I said, ‘That’s bad news.’ When I went to Columbia, we prided ourselves on being anti-football and pro-intellectual.”

Sahil Godiwala, class of 1999, added, “The pure joy of Columbia football is that we’re not supposed to be good.”

Luckily for the Lions, this week’s game is in New Haven, where they’ll probably find a more friendly crowd.

In spite of their own “fan base,” the Lions have done quite well, jumping out to an impressive 6-0 start and straight to the top of the Ancient Eight. That will all end this week. The undefeated, league-leader is weak. The team has won all three of its conference games by a total of 12 points.

Yale fans actually want the Bulldogs to win. Yale actually has students who have passion. Yale students get naked for their team in the freezing weather. I don’t condone it, but I respect the hustle.

The Bulldogs pull off the upset.

Yale, 28, Columbia, 24

—Staff writer Cade Palmer can be reached at cade.palmer@thecrimson.com.