Dear Nikki,

My boyfriend just dumped me, and I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s making me really upset. What should I do?

­—Distressed and Distracted

If I followed those now-ubiquitous advice books, I would ask you to consider what your “inner voice” is telling you. Or even tell you to practice ritual breathing exercises while making a list of your 10 most positive qualities.

But let’s skip over navigation through “The Break-Up Survival Kit” and fast forward to reality: you need to exorcise your ex. And the best way to do that is to focus on you.

This is a golden opportunity to seize your independence. You’re no longer tied down.

What does that mean? It’s time to blast (lots of) Tina Turner. Independence is about not needing something or someone else to make you feel “okay.” At least, that’s what Tommy Jefferson wrote in his Declaration.

Honestly, though, independence is about being a little selfish sometimes and indulging in the things you love. Enjoy time with your friends and family, focus on your school work and extracurriculars.

This is not to say that you should push down all your feelings in a sea of distraction; you are justified in being sad, but not to the point that it runs your life.

Remember that the opposite of love is not hate: it’s indifference. So even if you are able to move from “I miss him” to “I hate him,” you are still too tied up in the relationship. The more you obsess over this, the worse you will feel.

So, take pleasure in yourself. And—without having to make a list—learn to appreciate yourself.

Relationships are about two people—not one; except, of course, if you’re in a ménage-a-trois. Then it’s about three people. Anyway, the point is that if you focus on either what you did wrong or what he did wrong, you will be left with frustration. If he pulled the whole, “Let’s be friends. It’s not you… it’s me,” spiel, he was most likely not being completely honest.

It was both of you. And that compatibility factor (the chemistry) coupled with timing (I, for one, believe timing is everything) is what brought the relationship to an end. So don’t wrap yourself up in questions of how you could have changed. The worst attitude is to be consumed by the past.