Dear Nikki,

I really care about my girlfriend a lot and love spending time with her, but when she kisses me, she slobbers everywhere. How can I improve her kissing abilities? Is it rude to tell her how I feel? What can I say to her?

—Soaked in Seduction

Holy cow-tongue! Slobber is a sensitive subject, and while I do think that direct communication is important in relationships, the indirect approach also needs to be part of your repertoire. Kissing, like good wine, is something that can improve over time. I promise. Just follow this simple two-part procedure and you will achieve French kiss bliss.

Part One: When you “hang out” (read: hook up) with her, take extra care to emphasize especially small and delicate kisses separated by substantial pauses; less time = less saliva + more oxygen. Every time she tries to prolong the duration or increase the intensity of the tonguing, pull back immediately. This is crucial.

Part Two: Wait about 10 days. Your exaggerated “pecking” technique will (subtly) scream “STOP THE SUFFOCATING SLOBBERING!” And the kissing should improve.

If you’ve been faithfully following this technique but still aren’t seeing results after a full 10 days, it may be necessary to resort to Plan B: Direct Communication. That does not entail complete honesty: If you say, “Would you stop slathering my face with your gross tongue already?” there’s a 96 percent chance that she will slap you.

The key is respectful discourse. For example, maybe try saying “Let’s make this a little slower and smoother” followed (quickly) by a tickling session to defuse the inevitable awkwardness.

Hopefully, these two strategies will leave you—and your cheeks—in the clear. But remember that if she brushes her teeth and doesn’t bite, you’re already ahead of the game. And that may be the only advantage you’ll enjoy. Some people simply have trouble improving these higher motor skills.

Even Shakespeare’s Romeo did not master the art of kissing at first. His reviews from Juliet after their first encounter: “You kiss by th’ book” (I, v, 107). Though some may interpret this as a positive attribute for our young lover, my kiss-doctor interpretation is instead that he lacked creativity. Romeo had something to learn about smooching. Be patient. It takes time.

I distinctly remember the days when I would giggle at my aunt and uncle making “fishy lips” when they kissed. I was eight. Now we’re in college. And we no longer define kissing as a mode of transferring cooties. If you really like this girl, the rest will come. So, enjoy your fishy lips; maybe you’ll find a little slobber is the key to long-term happiness.

Mwah,

Nikki