Though they stopped playing videos ten years ago and run more commercials than any other station on TV, you can't blame MTV for not taking risks. After all, they basically started the boy band craze on their own--and now, well, they may just end it on their own. Next month, MTV releases the TV documentary "2gether," a boy band spoof that tracks an inept music manager's attempt to find the next bubblegum sensation after losing his job. His creation, 2gether, brings together the five crucial ingredients for "Larger Than Life" success: "the heartthrob," "the rebel," "the cutie," "the shy one" and the not so attractive "older brother." I just got my hands on a copy of the soundtrack to the documentary and I'm just starting to realize how earth-shattering this whole thing might be. Every song is a razor-sharp collection of patented boy-band fluff--down to the "Oh babys" and the "Oooh yeahs"; if girls watch this thing or even listen to the CD, they'll never be able to listen to their Backstreet Boys again without feeling cheated. Add in the bad lyrics and we might just have the end of the boy band craze a few years earlier than any of us could have possibly hoped for. Look out for "U+Me=Us (Calculus)," a hilarious send-up of sappy ballads with the scintillating chorus sung 10 different ways, "I know my calculus / It says U + Me = Us." But the real crowd-pleaser is "Rub One Out" (and the "Rub One Out" Dream Maker Club Mix) which tackles that most taboo of subjects while ejaculation noises gurgle in the background: "Rub one out baby, Don't be shy / Rub one out girl, Don't ask why / Rub one out and I grab my crotch / Rub one out, do you wanna watch?"

TREND-O-RAMA: VIRGIN TERRITORY

When did innocence become so trendy? With the rise of bubblegum pop and teenage purchasing power, reasserting one's virginity is all the rage. It's a tricky little marketing ploy--and as long as no one knows you're lying, it seems harmless, right? Unfortunately, the recent born-again virgins aren't particularly convincing. Case 1: Enrique Iglesias. Enrique is 24, a superstar in virtually every country, and he has women crawling all over him. And still, he claims that he's looking for the right woman to marry and with whom to have his "first" sexual experience. Pluhheeasssee. Not only did Enrique betray his self-description while attending my high school, but he confesses that his virginity lends itself to particularly effective pick-up lines. Case 2: Anna Kournikova. Kournikova is a tennis player--which may come as a shock to her zillions of teenage fans who download fake images of her off the Web and set up dedicated fan sites to the Russian Lolita. But Anna, after all, can be best characterized as the Brad Pitt of the sports world--after five years of playing, she still hasn't won a single thing, and still she's in the limelight. At the ripe age of 16, Anna was the puck to 30 year-old Sergei Federov's hockey stick and has recently been seen canoodling with no less than three 20-something male tennis players. Still, Anna claims, "No one has had a peep in my bed." Your bed, maybe. But who can blame her for being cautious--statutory's a bitch.

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