SOMAN'S SHORTS

www.somanintheknow.com. Now featuring online personal ads!...The Crimson shoot process to decide new editors tends to show people's true colors. And what hearts of darkness I have seen! In any case, I'll be out of a job this Friday...Ok, ok, so I'm from Florida and I couldn't vote because of this retarded absentee rule which demands that I show up in person to get my ballot. Helllo? That's why I'm an absentee. In any case, four other family members didn't vote so it looks like the vote's going to come down to all the absentee Indians...In terms of possible solutions to the recount problem, I like the one proposed on Conan the best: "Governor Bush is president in the red states and the Vice President takes the blue states." Hell yeah! Give the fascist Idaho and Utah. But what happens to Florida, you ask? Sell it to Cuba for a nice pack of cigars!...Lara Flynn Boyle had flings with Jack Nicholson, Bruce Willis, and Harrison Ford back to back. Can we say Father Fetish?...Britney Spears got her nipples pierced. Sigh. So predictable....As soon as I get my job, I'm going to chop my hair off and go platinum both in rebellion against corporate culture and in celebration of blonde nymphets. I don't think La Flamme will do the trick. E-mail me with your favorite stylists...Since I am supposed to be cutting-edge, I flouted a green sports vest and matching pants to lunch the other day and was immediately greeted with a chorus of jeers from my blocking group. "You look like the sixth member of 'NSync," said one. "Hooray!" I replied. But the boos and flying butternut squash drove me back to my room to change. Sigh. The pressures of being a pop culture icon.

Questions, Comments, Air Hockey Strategy Tips? E-mail schainan@fas

www.somanintheknow.com