Since last week's release of Windows Two Billion, many people have complained about the exploding computer problem, in which PCs with Windows Two Billion self-destruct upon shutdown.

I've been in the technology business for a long time, and I can tell you that there's nothing to worry about people.

It is standard in all new software releases that there are going to be some problems.

Microsoft is aware of the issue and will be selling body armor on its Web site.

Those who want to retain the use of their legs can upgrade to the Microsoft Windows Appendage Protection system for the low cost of one soul.

So you can either "panic" about the exploding computers and undermine our good American way of life, or you can stop whining and buy the damn body armor.

People are so dumb. I'm disgusted. Get this camera out of my face. You talk to these people Jim. I can't deal.

Sure thing Scott.

That was a fascinating story, wasn't it? Now let's move on to our government report, made possible by the campaign finance system.

Remember, if it changes campaign finance, it sucks.

What's up, Jim. You the man. Kim Paine here reporting from the pocket of the Bigger Business Bureau.

The government today issued a warning to all Americans about the dangers of voting and involvement in local affairs.

At the same time, officials announced plans to build the new solid gold Crest Coliseum in the Audubon Wetlands.

The project will be financed by sweatshop labor from orphanages. That'll teach those smelly kids to ask for more.

The government also issued a health report in conjunction with Crest finding that thinking about campaign finance reform can cause all your teeth to fall out.

That's all Jim, take it away.

Thanks, Kim.

Unfortunately, we must interrupt this program for a commercial break. But stay tuned for more news you can use. Baratunde R. Thurston '99 is a philosophy concentrator in Lowell House. His column will resume during reading period.